Which of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is Most Problematic for Your Partner?

“When people appear to be something other than good and decent, it is only because they are reacting to stress, pain, or the deprivation of basic human needs such as security, love, and self-esteem.” Abraham Maslow

Our behaviour can be affected by our needs or, rather, a lack of fulfillment of a need. Maslow postulates five levels in his Hierarchy of Needs. They are; Physiological, Safety, Love, Esteem, and finally Self-actualization. The ones lower on the hierarchy need to be attended to before higher ones can be achieved and we can do great things with our lives.

Physiological are our very basest of needs; food, shelter, clothes. Safety and security can be anything from our physical safety to resources, job security, and stable health. Love and belonging can be a romantic relationship, as well as friends, family, and community connections. Esteem relates to status, recognition, and respect. Self-actualization is being the best version of ourselves.

We may have climbed the ladder of needs and be at the top of our game and still have a problem with one of the rungs. A person might be on top of the world, a star in his field, amassed a fortune, and yet neglected family and friends. They sit in their huge home alone. They may even die alone, not discovered for weeks as they had no one that missed them. As we are always moving and changing, we can ping pong through the levels over a lifetime.

To help you understand what I mean, let me go first. While I believe I have worked through the levels, safety remains a sticking point for me. When I was in grade two or three, I learned the meaning of murder/suicide. A girl from my elementary school was shot and killed. It was a small town, so I knew her. If this were to happen now, councillors would be brought in to help the children process this tragedy. Back then, no one seemed to consider the impact this would have. The person I am now expects the worst and prepares like the world will end tomorrow, no matter what is happening in my life.

If a person is stuck on the first stage – physiological needs – in the sense you are struggling for food and shelter, this is definitely going to signal a challenge for a relationship. Sometimes, however, we keep circling this stage because of insecurity in childhood. People stuck here may hoard food and possessions. My grandmother, in her old age, would pass by the grapes when she was grocery shopping, even though she could afford them because when her children were young, they were an unaffordable luxury.

Love and belonging is a need that my blog focuses on often. It’s a need that can lead to a lot of heartache if we lead with just our hearts. People will put the need for love above their well-being when they put up with bad behaviour or abuse, stating they stay because they love them so much. Within a relationship, there are some that, when they don’t feel loved, will look for it outside the relationship.

Self-esteem is a problem for many people. We see it in the young girl that worries about her weight and wearing the right clothes. We may not recognize it, though, in the young boy that’s running with the wrong crowd and trying to act tough. When we turn into adults, it doesn’t go way, but likely looks different. A man that won’t be caught dead at the ballet. A woman that is always on social media posting happy family moments even when the family is in chaos. When someone has struggled with esteem their whole life, this insecurity may rear its ugly head anytime they feel less than.

People that are stuck on the last stage or are stalled trying to reach this stage may find themselves trying to find the meaning of life or beating themselves up wondering what their purpose is. This is something often seen in midlife when people have an existential crisis. When they question what’s it all about. The stereotypical example of this is men in their fifties that hit the gym, buy a sports car, and leave their wife. Let me be clear: this is not just a male affliction, but men tend to define themselves more often by career and status.

When you know what area is problematic for your spouse, it can bring understanding to actions that may puzzle you and a clue as to what support your partner needs from you.

Do They Use Phrases Like 'if you love me you will...'?

“Don’t resort to blackmail or manipulation to get your way in your marriage. They both undermine love and trust.” Kemmy Nola

Everyone has times when they really want their way. We are all, at heart, just trying to fill our own needs...unless perhaps you are Mother Teresa. During infancy, all we know is what we want and will cry until we get it. As we age, we learn that we have to fit into the structure set up by our tribe. In childhood and beyond, we learn that we can’t get away with eating all the chocolate chip cookies or walking around outside naked. We learn there are rules as to what is acceptable in society and how we need to fit in with our family, friends, and co-workers.

If you have ever met an only child that has never been told no or had to deal with losing a game you have a prime candidate for someone who will struggle with school, work, and relationships. They may struggle with the concept of compromise, sharing, and being a graceful loser. To have a balanced and healthy relationship, we need to have a handle on these abilities. We should both have an equal say and be able sometimes to pick which movie we watch or where we go on vacation.

Sometimes people are so desperate to have power, hold onto something, or get their own way that they will try anything to keep it within their grasp. If someone were to physically torture another to get their way, we could clearly see this as wrong, but it is also possible to emotionally torture someone. Dr. Susan Forward defines this behaviour as, “When the people in your life use fear, obligation, and guilt to manipulate you.” She coined the term ‘Emotional Blackmail’. The phrase, ‘If you love me you will...’ is the perfect example. If you don’t do what they ask, your very love is called into doubt. In much the same way a toddler knows he can get candy at the store if he screams and creates a scene, blackmailers are charming toddlers using sophisticated methods to get their candy.

Emotional blackmail comes in more than one form. There is the tantalizer: You will really like it. The smooth talker that will wear you down with words and even make it seem like their demands are reasonable. The brow beater will demean you and make you feel selfish. The punisher can use both physical and/or emotional means. They may stop doing something nice like buying your favourite cereal or withhold love, sex, etc. The victim uses guilt as a weapon, “after all I did...”. Self-punishers put their own safety at risk. Let’s call these what they are: abuse.

No emotional blackmail is healthy, but it is especially unhealthy if the blackmailer puts themselves before good opportunities like a job or schooling. I have heard of people that turn down scholarships to a good school just because it that would take them away from a romantic partner. If a love is true, it will last through this time. You should want the best for each other.

When we love someone deeply, we might feel we would do anything for that love. That should not mean the other person always gets their way. No matter how deeply you love someone, there needs to be a balance in the relationship. It can be a guy you are dating that tells you you must perform a sexual act to prove your love or the woman that tells you you must marry her since you knocked her up. If they have to wheedle or spin a story or question your commitment to get the answer they want, it is not coming from a place of free will. A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.

What might an early sign of emotional blackmail be?

I bought dinner so you owe me...

It can be subtle, ‘you don’t really want to do that’.

If you don’t come over maybe someone else will.

A guy’s got needs.

Everyone agrees you’re wrong.

If you move away, I’ll date someone else.

You’re destroying this relationship.

I’m nothing without you.

If someone is using the threat of harm to you or themselves, you need to get help. This is too big and serious to handle on your own. This is very unhealthy and can lead to serious harm or death. You may think that if they threaten to harm themselves it is just bluster. It isn’t always, take it seriously. It’s not a sign of how deeply they love you that they would rather die then be with you. Look how Romeo and Juliet turned out. If the threat of harm happens while you are dating, consider this a deal breaker.

When you are young and the threat of harm comes up this is way too much to deal with on your own, immediately reach out to your support system. There are crisis hotlines you can call if you don’t feel you have someone to turn to. Take it seriously and act immediately.

Does Your Partner Make Questionable Decisions?

“Life presents many choices, the choices we make determine our future.” Catherine Pulsifer

I knew a young man that wanted to go on a ski trip with friends, a trip he couldn’t afford. He wasn’t about to miss out on the opportunity and managed to come up with the money. By robbing a bank. They say the best stories come from bad decisions. This is probably true. Living with the consequences of them sure makes great material for cautionary tales for parents to tell their preteens.

We have all done stupid things and made bad decisions and that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. If we learn from them. Poor choices are often our best teachers. If they don’t cause catastrophic outcomes that leave other people damaged, leave us financially crippled, or result in a life sentence... I am not talking small things like buying a dog without discussing it with your partner. I’m talking about buying two large dogs when your rental doesn’t allow them and available rentals in your area is zero.

Your partner is going to make decisions you feel are wrong. You are going to make decisions they disagree with. Part of being a couple is working through these. Like buying that used car, just because it looks flashy. Turns out it’s a lemon and costs a lot in repairs to keep it on the road. These things happen and can be worked through. A partner that continually makes bad decisions and doesn’t seem to learn from them, though, could be extremely problematic.

If there exists a pattern of making poor choices, you may feel more like a babysitter than a partner. No one wants to have to dole out a weekly allowance to their partner or follow them around to check up on them. As well, certain choices may put your health and well-being at risk, as well as that of any children. If your partner ends up in jail, can you take care of all the bills and chores? If they lose your life savings gambling, are you able to move back in with your parents? If they drive drunk with your kids in the car and have a fatal accident, will you ever heal from the pain?

You may already be aware that your partner tends to make questionable choices, but often we see potential. We believe that our love and having children will be enough to set them on the right path. The phrase I saw their potential just might be the words that are spoken most often in a therapist’s or divorce lawyer’s offices. Love, though, is blind...so it may be that you have no idea your partner is reckless. It might seem that they are just adventurous or like to party. It’s all fun until they spend their whole paycheque on magic beans.

Ask your self these questions:

Is there a criminal or juvenile record?

Are they impulsive or don’t see the big picture and how their decisions will play out in the future?

Have they filed for bankruptcy or have a record of financial irresponsibility?

Is there a history of fighting?

Do they abuse alcohol or drugs?

Are they a nasty and unpredictable drunk?

Do they drive after drinking?

Are there other addictive behaviours i.e. compulsive shopping, gambling?

Does money burn a hole in their pocket?

Do they have an inordinate amount of debt?

Has there been a lot of job turnover?

Have there been a lot of serious relationships or marriages?

Do they take unnecessary risks?

A man I spoke with had decided to retire at fifty-five. He blew through his money in just a few years, in silly ways. He didn’t buy a house or make investments, just used the money for fun. He ended up having to go back to work. I’m no financial whiz, but as he struggled to pay his rent, I wasn’t sure he would be able to retire again, ever. He told me he was looking for a romantic partner that would help him make good decisions.

Who wants to spend their life having to babysit someone who is supposed to be an equal partner?

Do You Place More Importance on Time or Money?

“The biggest difference between money and time is that you always know how much money you have, but you never know how much time you have.” Unknown

My high school teacher, Mr. Thompson, asked this question of every graduating class he taught. All the kids in my class he queried before me answered money, giving a variety of reasons. I answered time. I reasoned that this was the end of our childhood. The last time I would see a lot of these classmates. We were expected to go off to university or get a job and begin to wear the cloak of adulthood. The teacher stated that I was a rarity. People always answered money.

It turns out this has been proven. Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania and UCLA found that a majority of people studied, sixty-four percent, in fact, rated money as more valuable than time. Money is a funny thing: we all want it, we all need it, and we spend most of our good years chasing it. For some, it is a god that they would step over their own mother to get. For others, it is just a necessary evil.

Perhaps it is the way television and the media glamorize wealth and fill our heads full of wants. Maybe it is that money is tangible and time isn’t. At times it flies and others drags on. When you are young, it feels like you have all the time in the world. You do until you don’t. Watch a person going through a midlife crisis and you see the panic... ‘Why didn’t I do these things when I had the chance?’

In your relationship, there are going to be many big and small ways in which you choose time versus money. Job opportunities that mean travel. Spending money on things you don’t need, but want. As a couple, you are going to have to find a balance between obtaining money to survive and carving out time to keep your love for each other alive.

If you are both on the same page in what you value most, you may very well have harmony in this regard. If you are someone who values time, living with someone who values money and status, you may find yourself alone as they work long hours to get ahead.

It is easy to get caught up in the hamster wheel of going to work, coming home tired, grumbling through making supper, and then doing it all again the next day. We get behind at work and put in overtime. Meanwhile, we are not nurturing the bonds with those we love. If you make the choice of money over time, it will impact all your relationships.

Sometimes it is when a crisis rocks our world that we reevaluate this question. Ask the parent who has lost a young child and they will tell you they would give up every last cent to spend one more day with them. We often do not know the value of what we have until we have lost it.

Men define themselves by their career, so it is not necessarily that they value money more, but it seems to boil down to the same thing. They focus on climbing the corporate ladder, even if that means relationships come secondary.

I know a man that spent his life working hard, focused on career over family. He even stated he knew he was not much of a father and a grandfather but didn’t care. Guess what? He’s old now and laments that these same children and grandchildren do not visit him. In the moment his work was his world, but remember at some point, we retire...

“Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them – work, family, health, friends and spirit – and you're keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls – family, health, friends and spirit – are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life." Bryan Dyson

We seem to forget that time is finite. We only have so many years in this life. Once spent you can never get them back. On your deathbed will you regret that you did not spend more time at the office? Probably not. The above mentioned researchers found those that valued time led happier lives.

Make each minute count.

Does Your Relationship Have the Nine Traits of Fellowship?

“Unfortunately, many people grow up in families with unhealthy relationships, so they lack the relational skills needed for real fellowship.” Rick Warren

At a difficult time in my life, I read The Purpose Driven Life, seeking solace. One part of the book struck me as being not just how we should approach our fellow man, but traits needed in any healthy, happy, and supportive marriage. Warren states the nine traits are: Authenticity, Mutuality, Sympathy, Mercy, Honesty, Humility, Courtesy, Confidentiality, and Frequency. I have taken much of the information in this post from his book The Purpose Driven Life.

• Authenticity: “We share our true feelings.”

  • When we marry, we should know who our partner is – the good, the bad, and the ugly. We should have looked at them without rose-coloured glasses to get an idea if they are a good match for us. So too, we should have been completely open with our partner about who we are. Too often, partners run into trouble when they stop being honest about what they think and feel, so they have no chance of working to resolve issues.

• Mutuality: “We encourage each other.”

  • The wants, needs, and dreams of our partner should be something we are aware of and support them in achieving. We should want the best for each other and our partnership. Cooperation and collaboration are necessary skills we should bring into our relationships.

• Sympathy: “We support each other.”

  • Our home and family should be a soft and safe place for us to land. When we are hurt, scared, or weary, we need our tribe to help us, heal us, and protect us. More than any other person, we expect this from our spouse. To truly have a deep connection, we need to have empathy to understand what the other feels and needs.

• Mercy: “We forgive each other.”

  • We are going to mess up. This should be included in the saying, ‘there are only two things certain in life: death and taxes’. When we do and we have apologized and made meaningful amends, we should be forgiven. In relationships, when we have to pay over and over for a mistake for which we have sincerely taken steps to overcome, it creates distance.

• Honesty: “We speak the truth in love.”

  • It is hard to have trust in a situation where we don’t have a clear picture of what is occurring. In order to feel safe in our relationship, we need to know our partner is sharing all vital information with us and is not lying, cheating, or blurring the truth. “Most people have no one in their lives who loves them enough to tell them the truth (even when it’s painful), so they continue in self-destructive ways.”

• Humility: “Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.”

  • A team functions not by each player thinking of themselves, but in working together as a unit. They have a common goal and make a plan on achieving that for the betterment of all. A good relationship is the same: we have a common purpose and dreams and will give and take to get there. In a relationship, it may mean we don’t always get our way, but do often enough.

• Courtesy: “We respect our differences.”

  • We are often more polite to strangers than our partners. We show more grace and understanding of people we aren’t close to. Treating our partner with not just civility, but the same good manners as our boss or a respected member of the community can go a long way to ensuring a friendship within our marriage.

• Confidentiality: “We do not gossip.”

  • What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. A marriage should be the same way. (This doesn’t include abuse!) There is nothing worse than trying to solve a relationship issue when you have family members and friends taking sides. We need to be honest and open in our relationship. That can leave you feeling vulnerable, but you should have the knowledge that anything we say or do will stay between you and your partner.

• Frequency: “Relationships take time.”

  • People drift apart when they don’t make time for each other and for their marriage. Anything that isn’t nurtured eventually dies.

Is There Pressure (Internal or External) to Marry?

“This drive for abstinence is putting a lot of pressure on girls to get married earlier.” Dr. Abeja Apunyo

One of the annoying questions we are faced with when we are young is ‘when are you going to get married?’ If a couple has been dating for a few years, the question ramps up. At family gatherings, a couple must run the gauntlet – sometimes even from the young. I once had a boyfriend’s young brother ask when he could start calling me auntie. It is difficult to be the last person in your family or friend group that is single. To attend all the weddings, see them as they welcome children. It almost feels like everyone questions what is wrong with us if we aren’t married. Sometimes, it feels like all the world conspires to make us feel miserable if we aren’t married.

The decision to make a lifelong commitment to another person is a difficult one. We are trying to get to know who our partner really is, but also to project into the future to who they will be through all the stages and ups and downs of life. Few of us have a crystal ball to make this easy. When one adds on top of this external or internal pressure to marry, it’s easy to be unclear on whether this is a knight in shining armour or an idiot in tinfoil. To know whether we are incompatible and better off apart.

Couples now seem to feel less pressure to make their relationship official with a ceremony, but the older generations still hold onto this as the ideal for their children and grandchildren. Whether there is an official designation on your relationship or not doesn't matter. Many younger couples are as committed as those that are actually married. They buy houses together, have children, and act as a unit. They too may feel pressured to pair up permanently and make choices out of wants and needs and not from a well thought out plan.

Families that are very traditional or those of certain religions put extreme pressure on their members to marry or to wait until marriage to have sex. In these cases, are you asking all the questions or are you just blindly moving towards marriage as an expectation? The news isn’t all bad here. Arranged marriages have a much lower divorce rate. These ideals aren’t necessarily bad and may lead to a very good outcome, but what if you are someone who doesn’t buy into your community’s beliefs? Choosing a partner is hard enough without being pressured into it.

The push to marry isn’t just an emotional issue. Unlike men, women have a window in which procreation is possible. Studies show that women are most fertile in their twenties, with a sharp decline after thirty-two. Advancements in technology have made it possible to have a child at forty, though there are greater risks at this age. In addition to the risks, who at this age has the energy to chase a high energy toddler around and who wants to be asked continually if you are the child’s grandmother? Perhaps because of this, most people I ask would prefer to have children when they are younger.

Certainly one is able to have a child as a single woman, but Norman Rockwell paintings, the media, and fairy tales we grew up on maintain that the ideal family is Mom, Dad, and children. Even girls raised by single parents want to do better by their children and give them that ideal life. Historically, the only acceptable situation in which to start a family was as a wedded couple. Girls who got pregnant out of wedlock were married quickly or quietly whisked away to have the child and then put it up for adoption. Ideas have evolved and we now have all manner of family structures. Still there are some that desperately want that ring.

At times, one person in a relationship sees forever after and the other just isn’t sure. In a survey undertaken by RelationshipsinAmerica.com (https://relationshipsinamerica.com/marriage-and-divorce/whos-more-interested-in-marrying-men-or-women) found that this occurred in one out of three

couples, all of whom were dating or living together. This is a painful dynamic. The one who isn’t sure can be placed under a great deal of stress to make up their mind by their partner, family, and friends. Some have even been known to be issued with an ultimatum. Ultimatums, experts agree, are not the way to achieve a healthy relationship. It is okay, though, to state ones wants and needs and have a conversation with your partner about their wants and needs.

Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D. writes, “When you make a decision to be with someone because of the pressure you feel (from yourself or others) rather than because the person seems right for you, you are giving your power away and ensuring an unhappy end to your love story.”

What Matters to Your Partner?

What is their currency?

“Tell me what you pay attention to and I will tell you who you are.” José Ortega y Gasset

Early in a relationship, we can’t get enough time together. Spending time apart feels like torture and there are frequent texts, phone calls, notes left on each other's cars, and the like. It is easy to slip into the mindset that you are their top priority and always will be. Ask anyone who is in a long-term relationship and they will tell you real life sets in and this obsession cools. After the fierce desire for togetherness during a new relationship, it is easy to feel unloved when day to day responsibilities interfere. It is better to know from the beginning what matters to this person so you have an idea what life will look like after the honeymoon phase.

Rick Warren in his book The Purpose Driven Life states that "...the best expression of love is time... If you want to know a person's priorities, just look at how they spend their time." The importance of someone or something can be measured by how much time we are willing to invest. This is their currency. It may be status, career, or even money. Dr. Phil says we need to “...pay attention to how he treats what he values.” Also, observe if he shares what he values with you. If he values family, but doesn’t introduce you to them, are you really important?

In a marriage, we want to believe we should be our beloved’s first priority. Were life a romance movie, we would set off on a moonlit walk and the credits would say, “And they lived happily ever after.” Real life comes with financial pressure, chores, obligations, and strife. The fairy tales of old did not address these. Cinderella did not have a car accident and Prince Charming did not have to put in overtime to get a promotion. It is a juggling act to meet our daily obligations with our need to let our loved one know we continue to value them. It is easy to feel lonely and undervalued when we are no longer the focus of what limited free time we have once the 'must haves’ of mortgage and groceries have been met.

What is their passion? What was their dream job as a child? What is on their bucket list? This will give you an idea of their passions. The book The Passion Test provides a window into this question, but barring that, ask questions that will assist you in ascertaining what is valued. What do they talk about a lot? What do they get excited about? What activity do they devote a lot of time to? Can you not call them on Saturday night when hockey is on? Does she book spa days when you would like her to join you for family activities? How will this play out over a lifetime?

It is a great idea to understand how your individual styles will blend in order to understand if your journey as a couple will be smooth sailing or choppy waters. If one is devoted to career and another family this will lead to conflict. If he is passionate about cars and rebuilding them every spare moment, how will you handle that? If she insists she talk every night for several hours to her best friend, but you want together time will you feel shortchanged? While we do not need to do everything together, trying to understand and appreciate what they love and maybe sometimes share in these interests shows a loving spirit.

When one has an outside passion that seems to take too much time away from (at least in the other's eyes) couple time, we need to find a way to navigate this. Can we find a way to include them, can we cut back on this activity, can the other find some way to spend their free time? How will you handle this?

Warren contends a person's decision to spend time with you is important, as time is finite in quantity. He calls it ‘your most precious gift’. "When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you will never get back." Similar to this, a friend gave me flowers and stated that flowers show how much someone cares as they are something that has a finite benefit, you are worth something that will die shortly and serve no benefit like food might.

Men don't understand this, Warren suggests. Women seem to naturally take care of everyone's needs, to make sure everyone is happy and have what they need. He hears men express exasperation that they work hard to provide money and luxuries, but it never seems enough. What matters is how much we give of ourself. People want to know they matter enough that you will stop and listen, lend a hand, not merely something else that needs to be squeezed into their schedule.

We need to, over the course of our relationship, ensure that we carve out time for nurturing our bond. Warren asks us to question our self, “Honestly, are relationships my first priority?"