“Don’t resort to blackmail or manipulation to get your way in your marriage. They both undermine love and trust.” Kemmy Nola
Everyone has times when they really want their way. We are all, at heart, just trying to fill our own needs...unless perhaps you are Mother Teresa. During infancy, all we know is what we want and will cry until we get it. As we age, we learn that we have to fit into the structure set up by our tribe. In childhood and beyond, we learn that we can’t get away with eating all the chocolate chip cookies or walking around outside naked. We learn there are rules as to what is acceptable in society and how we need to fit in with our family, friends, and co-workers.
If you have ever met an only child that has never been told no or had to deal with losing a game you have a prime candidate for someone who will struggle with school, work, and relationships. They may struggle with the concept of compromise, sharing, and being a graceful loser. To have a balanced and healthy relationship, we need to have a handle on these abilities. We should both have an equal say and be able sometimes to pick which movie we watch or where we go on vacation.
Sometimes people are so desperate to have power, hold onto something, or get their own way that they will try anything to keep it within their grasp. If someone were to physically torture another to get their way, we could clearly see this as wrong, but it is also possible to emotionally torture someone. Dr. Susan Forward defines this behaviour as, “When the people in your life use fear, obligation, and guilt to manipulate you.” She coined the term ‘Emotional Blackmail’. The phrase, ‘If you love me you will...’ is the perfect example. If you don’t do what they ask, your very love is called into doubt. In much the same way a toddler knows he can get candy at the store if he screams and creates a scene, blackmailers are charming toddlers using sophisticated methods to get their candy.
Emotional blackmail comes in more than one form. There is the tantalizer: You will really like it. The smooth talker that will wear you down with words and even make it seem like their demands are reasonable. The brow beater will demean you and make you feel selfish. The punisher can use both physical and/or emotional means. They may stop doing something nice like buying your favourite cereal or withhold love, sex, etc. The victim uses guilt as a weapon, “after all I did...”. Self-punishers put their own safety at risk. Let’s call these what they are: abuse.
No emotional blackmail is healthy, but it is especially unhealthy if the blackmailer puts themselves before good opportunities like a job or schooling. I have heard of people that turn down scholarships to a good school just because it that would take them away from a romantic partner. If a love is true, it will last through this time. You should want the best for each other.
When we love someone deeply, we might feel we would do anything for that love. That should not mean the other person always gets their way. No matter how deeply you love someone, there needs to be a balance in the relationship. It can be a guy you are dating that tells you you must perform a sexual act to prove your love or the woman that tells you you must marry her since you knocked her up. If they have to wheedle or spin a story or question your commitment to get the answer they want, it is not coming from a place of free will. A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.
What might an early sign of emotional blackmail be?
I bought dinner so you owe me...
It can be subtle, ‘you don’t really want to do that’.
If you don’t come over maybe someone else will.
A guy’s got needs.
Everyone agrees you’re wrong.
If you move away, I’ll date someone else.
You’re destroying this relationship.
I’m nothing without you.
If someone is using the threat of harm to you or themselves, you need to get help. This is too big and serious to handle on your own. This is very unhealthy and can lead to serious harm or death. You may think that if they threaten to harm themselves it is just bluster. It isn’t always, take it seriously. It’s not a sign of how deeply they love you that they would rather die then be with you. Look how Romeo and Juliet turned out. If the threat of harm happens while you are dating, consider this a deal breaker.
When you are young and the threat of harm comes up this is way too much to deal with on your own, immediately reach out to your support system. There are crisis hotlines you can call if you don’t feel you have someone to turn to. Take it seriously and act immediately.
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