Have You Talked About Money?

"Money may not be the most important thing in your life, but it affects everything that is important." - The Rich Dad Company

If you see trouble coming down the road, would you not want to head it off before it gets to you? When a hurricane is headed your way, you board up the windows and stock up on food. This is only good sense. So, why then do most dating couples delay or avoid talking finances? Money issues are the number one cause of fights in a marriage and is commonly reported to be an important reason leading to divorce.

It was told to me growing up that you do not discuss politics, religion, or finances. Talking about money is uncomfortable, it seems to rank right up there with talking about our bodily functions. When you meet someone and they ask about your wealth at the first meeting they would be labelled rude or snoopy. Anthropologist Kimberly Chong states that, "...asking someone what they earn is considered taboo because you are indirectly questioning their personal worth.”

In first world countries, we tend to assign value to people based on attributes such as wealth, status, education, and looks. It is easy to see why people may not be forthcoming about their financial picture. They do not want to be judged to be unworthy. It is understandable why you would not let a friend see all the details of your net worth, yet it is asking for trouble to not do so before entering marriage.

Wells Fargo reported that close to fifty percent of Americans rate personal finances as more challenging to discuss with others then topics such as religion, politics, and death. Similarly Merrill Edge, a division of Merrill Lynch, found that people in significant relationships avoided sharing a clear picture of their financial viability. They postponed this topic until after hitting most major relationship milestones such as being intimate and meeting the parents. Time Magazine cites as many as forty percent of couples marry without discussing first how they will manage money.

Knowing how much debt a person has coming into the marriage is not only important because it is now a joint debt, but it can also make getting a mortgage harder. It seems, though, that debt is one of the hardest areas of finances for us to reveal – sixty percent of people say they did not talk about this with their partner, Merrill Edge found.

An ironic twist to this tendency, most people are more interested in the financial stability of a long term partner than in love. Yet, while most people were interested in the financial resources of their future partner, they held their own cards in this area close to their chest. Before you consider forever together you need to have the talk. The money talk and bare it all, you need to come clear on your relationship to money – that is revealed through salary, spending, savings, and investment and debt. The stupidest thing you’ve done with money and the smartest.

Money is a necessary evil in our world and is an indicator of the stability in our life and in our future. As many people found out during the COVID-19 pandemic, some of us are only a couple paychecks away from ruin. If you do not have to stress every month about what bill can go unpaid or save up just to buy a loaf of bread, life can be pretty sweet. The Rich Dad Company asserts that talking about money and our relationship to it should begin at the start of a relationship and that it is not necessary to find someone who has wealth, but someone who has the same 'financial alignment' as you. It is less about what you have than what you do with it.

Gail Vaz Oxlade host of the show Til Debt Do Us Part, helped couples in financial crisis come up with a plan on how to get out of the red. Some only a few years into marriage were already deeply entrenched in debt. Sadly, too many had not been taught money management and this spawned a spin-off show, Money Morons. She found that even within a relationship, people are not always honest on how money is spent, hiding purchases, bills, and credit cards.

Having a financial conversation before you marry, though very unromantic, will help down the road if you have a clear picture of the debits and credits and how they view money. Money means different things to people. It is important to understand the true value your beloved puts on it. A person’s relationship with money is a window into their personality. Whether you view money as a God or a means to an end, it is a fact of life and a tool to be used. Are your styles complimentary? Prepare a budget and make a plan for the future you want and how you will save to achieve your dreams. People don't plan to fail, they fail to plan.

Having the aforementioned conversations and preparing a budget can be done in conjunction with goal-setting and should be viewed as a means to make your dreams happen. Vaz Oxlade asserts that,"You can get everything you want. All you need is a plan. And how do you spell plan? B-U-D-G-E-T!....if you’re planning to mate and you haven’t sat down to talk about your money, you’re a fool, plain and simple.”

Can a Relationship Work if One Partner is Still in the Closet?

Guest Post: C.J. Fitzpatrick

If you’re a person whose identity falls somewhere under the LGBTQ+ umbrella, you’ve most definitely – at some point in your life – struggled with the quandary of if/when to come out of the ‘closet’... (If you’ve never heard this term before, it means making the choice to openly and publicly identify as queer.)

Coming out is a very vulnerable – and sometimes dangerous – experience for someone, as it may mean losing friends and/or family or even risking physical harm, in some cases. Even when someone’s new identity is fully embraced, it is often still met with a degree of sadness, as parents likely mourn the loss of their child’s imagined future or experience grief knowing that their child’s path will be more difficult.

Coming out is a life-long process. It’s not a one and done thing. In a quote I can no longer find, Sir Ian McKellen talks about how every interaction involves an internal debate about whether or not to address the fact that you aren’t straight, as is assumed to be the default.

A 2019 study by the Yale School of Public Health found that as much as eighty-three percent of the world’s LGBT+ community hides their identity from all or most of the people in their lives. John Pachankis, Ph.D., associate professor of the YSPH said, “Given rapidly increasing acceptance of the sexual minorities in some countries, it might be easy to assume that most sexual minorities are out in 2019, but actually, most sexual minority people in the world today are probably not out.”

Keep in mind, this number may be skewed by the populations of LGBT+ people in countries where same-sex attraction is criminalized and often brutally punished. As well, certain identities – such as gay and lesbian – are more universally accepted than identities such as being transgender.

It’s hard enough to make a relationship work when both of the participants are open about their sexual identity, which begs the question: is it possible for a relationship to work long-term if one partner is still closeted?

My personal feeling is that this answer is going to look different for every individual couple.

First, let’s divide people into two categories: those who place a high importance on queer visibility and those who would rather avoid the attention.

The former category tends to feel that, since a straight couple doesn’t have to hide their relationship, why should a queer couple? Since we’re supposedly all equal, we should be able to act and, therefore, be treated as such. They’re the kind of person who is likely to attend a Pride march or a protest for LGBT+ rights.

The latter is likely someone who prefers not to rock the boat, so to speak. This doesn’t mean they don’t wholly support the fight for LGBT+ rights and may even be involved in the fight, but it’s more likely in a behind-the-scenes manner. This may be because they’ve faced discrimination in the past or they may simply be a quiet, meek person.

Let’s also look at the closeted partner’s situation – namely, whether it’s safe or unsafe.

People have many reasons to stay in the closet, but oftentimes, it boils down to whether it’s safe for them to be out. I, personally, have the great privilege of living in a country where it’s illegal to discriminate against someone based on their sexual preferences; but I have the even greater privilege to have family who supports and celebrates my identity. Many people do not – even if they live in a country where they won’t be jailed or stoned for being publicly out, they may face being kicked out of their house, disowned by their family, or even outright physical violence.

It’s easy to understand why someone might choose to stay in the closet when the alternative may be living on the streets or being beaten or subjected to conversion therapy (which, by the way, is still legal in Canada!).

So, with all that in mind, let’s address the central question here...the answer being: how important is it to you that you can attend a Pride march with your partner? How important is it to you that you that you can walk down the street holding hands? Would you feel badly if your relationship caused strife between your partner’s friends and family?

Once you’ve answered those questions – and evaluated how important your partner is to you – then can decide whether this relationship is going to work out.

Coming Out of the Closet - Worksheet

 In the space below, define what SAFETY means to you:

On a scale of one to ten, how SAFE do you feel your situation is, in regards to your sexual identity?

On a scale of one to ten, how SAFE does your partner feel their situation is, in regards to their sexual identity?

On a scale of one to ten, rate how important the following activities are to you:

1. Attending Pride events, including marches:

2. Attending protests for LGBT+ rights:

3. Holding hands in public:

4. Kissing in public:

5. Introducing your partner to your friends and family:

6. Being introduced to your partner’s friends and family:

7. Introducing your partner to people as your significant other:

8. Living together:

9. Getting married:

10. Having and/or adopting children:

11. Being your partner’s legal next of kin/power of attorney/etc.:

Are any of the above activities dealbreakers to you, if you were unable to have/do them?

Does your partner have a timeline for when they anticipate being able to come out? Is the timeline acceptable to you, based on your current goals and desires for the future?

What is Your Personality Type?

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” Carl Jung

You may have, at one time, taken a personality test – either for a job or to pass the time while cruising the internet. The internet abounds with titles such as: ‘What candy bar are you?’ These are fun, but offer little real insight. Research again and again comes up with the idea that there are only four personality types.

We put on rose coloured glasses when first in love; we view all our partner’s attributes through the idea that love will conquer all and minimize that which we find less than appealing. Knowing each other’s personality type – applying research to romance – can give you an idea whether you will actually be compatible. These tests give you a window into their strengths, weaknesses, and temperament and can even help us to understand who we fall in love with.

What you are marrying is a lifestyle. These personality profiles show you what you can expect daily life to be: routine or spontaneous, leading or serving. They will help us to understand what motivates our partner and this will enable us to recognize what they need from us in order to feel loved by us. If they require recognition and we get so busy with work and children that we treat them as invisible, they may look elsewhere to fill this need, at work or even perhaps an affair.

If you are someone who is punctual and a planner, a person that rides a Harley and shows up when they show up may sweep you off your feet and you may tell your friends they make you feel alive. Were you to marry them, though, a few years down the road, you would be telling those same friends that if they are late picking the kids up from daycare one more time you would throttle them. Truth be told, they are less likely to want to marry you in the first place and, more importantly, anyone.

The True Colours test labels the personalities as gold, green, blue, and orange. I am more familiar with the version developed by Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist. Fisher found that our primary personality type is closely matched to a hormone/neurotransmitter. There is a saying that opposites attract and it turns out that is sometimes true. If your personality type relates to hormones – estrogen or testosterone – the old wives tale holds. Those high in neurotransmitters, though, will choose someone very similar to themself.

Here are the four types for both Helen Fisher's test and the True Colors and the biological agent they are associated with:

Explorer / Orange / Dopamine

Builder / Gold / Serotonin

Director / Green / Testosterone

Negotiator / Blue / Estrogen

The Explorer, as the name suggests likes adventure, fun, and is not adverse to taking risks. While you may want one of these people at all of your parties, if your dream is the house with the white picket fence, two children, and family game night every Friday, this is an unlikely choice. Explorers, in addition to being drawn to other Explorers, are easily bored, too self-involved, and require recognition. Words you may hear an Explorer use frequently are: adventure, spontaneous, fun, travel, outgoing, active.

The Builder is the person you want on any committee, as they are going to do the work to bring an idea into practice. While they are reliable and organized, they can be adverse to instability, change, and have impossible standards. This is another group that does best when paired with another of similar bent. If asked what is important, a builder will use family, honesty, morals, loyal, trust, and respect.

The Director is at home in the CEO office. They are leaders and, in addition to needing to be dominant, they are logical and have a bottom line approach. Some shortcomings found with these individuals are that they tend to be workaholics and stubborn. They are often motivated by money. Words used by a director to describe what is important are words such as intelligence, ambition, politics, and challenges. A good counterpart for this personality is the Negotiator.

In addition to being suited to the Director, a Negotiator is a caring and compassionate individual that tends to move at an easier pace. Because they are very concerned with others needs they are prone to feeling used and burning out by taking on too much. In trying to identify a Negotiator, look for words like kind, sensitive, reader, learning, empathy.

It would be naive to think that we can fit neatly into just four different boxes; we are a blend of several types in varied proportions. The tests may even give you both a primary and secondary type. While it is important to know the primary type, so too is the secondary one. If two builders marry, life may be mostly smooth, but there may be unexpected bumps. These may be caused by your secondary type clashing.

Take heart even if you choose someone whom the tests say is not your ideal or even incompatible, you will know what challenges and fights you are likely to have and can come up with strategies to deal head them off.