What is their Elemental Type?

While it’s generally accepted that there four personality types, Traditional Chinese medicine has identified five types based on elemental forces. They are described as different aspects of energy. The types are Earth, Fire, Metal, Water, and Wood. This knowledge is used primarily in acupuncture, to determine what health problems a person is likely to have and what treatment will work best. They can also give you an idea of what organs and body systems might cause issues.

Further insight into these types saw the usefulness this would provide parents in regard to their children and help to understand how to work with them based on their elemental type. We all have some traits of all five types, but one is dominant. Each elemental type has both physical and emotional characteristics that make a certain temperament and way of being in the world likely. In understanding this, parents can customize their parenting style to assist their child to be the best they can be and avoid struggles.

One of the aspects of elemental types is their activity and energy levels. From highest to lowest activity level they are: Wood, Fire, Earth, Metal and Water. This was not news to me. One of my children is a Fire and when she was strapped into a car seat, the lack of ability to move freely caused her to talk gregariously the whole trip.

The types hold up for adults too and can explain what relationships may be challenging. Identifying your type and your partner’s is a window into what areas of your relationship will be challenging. A relationship between a Wood (very highly active) and a Water (lowest activity type) may see the couple struggling over types of activities they participate in. The Wood may want them to train for a marathon while the Water may want to go and see a movie. The Water may find the Wood is always buzzing around the house or constantly talking. The Wood wishing the Water would take up more active hobbies.

If you are a Water type, you value freedom and ease of movement. They are creative and outside the box thinkers. What a water type requires in a relationship is someone with emotional depth and is understanding of your need for silence.

If you are a Fire, you require stimulation and likely have many things on the go at the same time. The right person for a fire type is emotionally available and loves to listen to them talk.

If you’re an Earth, your relationships are a priority. You are a natural caregiver. You need a partner that is very committed and has strong family values.

If your type is Wood, you are action-oriented and a life-long learner with a need to grow. All this action requires a partner that has high energy and is independent.

If your element is Metal, you are a true humanitarian and very authentic in all you undertake and strive to do meaningful work. Metals need a partner that also has the same strong principles and morals. They also require someone that will give them space.

There are types that lend themselves naturally to a good and supportive relationship, called generating or nurturing. These are: Water nurtures wood, wood nurtures fire, fire nurtures earth, earth nurtures metal, metal nurtures water. Think of this: if you want to build a campfire you require wood.

There are also types that are less compatible and can easily become imbalanced. These are referred to as controlling. Water controls fire, fire controls metal, metal controls wood, wood controls earth, earth controls water. That same campfire you have been using to roast marshmallows, if it gets too large you’ll throw water on it.

Both of these cycles, as they are called, can represent a balance in a relationship, there are two other cycles; overacting and insulting. These reflect a situation where one type inhibits the nature of the other. Overacting is when you use so much water that it puts out the fire. Insulting would be so much water that the area can never sustain a fire ever again.

Much like knowing and understanding your partner’s personality type enables you to have a smoother relationship, knowing your partner’s elemental type before you tie the knot will enable you to make a wise choice of partner. Anything you do to gain understanding of who your partner is gives you a better chance to live happily ever after.

Do You Have 'Triple A'?

“Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.” C. S. Lewis

While it may be a good idea to have a membership for roadside assistance, it is just as important – if not more so – to have relationship triple A: Attention, Affection, and Appreciation.

Attention: You probably are with your partner because of the amount of attention they focused on you when you first met. I have been in relationships, perhaps just because of the amount of attention the fellow paid to me. I am not suggesting you be a stalker, but people like attention.

It is easy when you are so wildly in love to pay lots of attention to your partner. It is exactly what this infatuation stage and its requisite hormones are about, bonding you to each other. The trick is that real life sets in after the honeymoon phase and the attention starts to get used for other things: a big project at work, the freezer needs to be defrosted, etc... We start to take our partner for granted as someone who will always be there. No more date nights, no more sweet notes on the bathroom mirror, no more holding their hand everywhere we go.

Attention doesn’t have to take a lot of time. We certainly waste enough time checking our email, social media updates, and watching television. Attention requires really listening. We develop the bad habit of listening to respond or only half paying attention. We focus our attention on what is important to us, so if it isn’t on your partner, it is easy to see why they feel unloved.

Affection: Babies in orphanages that are never hugged, cuddled, or touched stop growing and in extreme cases die. Virginia Satir, a therapist said, “We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” Hugs and touch has been shown to reduce stress, protect against illness, and reduce pain. Hugs of at least twenty seconds cause oxytocin to be released which enhances our bond. It is easy to understand, then, why showing our partner affection is important to not only maintain, but deepen our connection.

Women in long-term relationships often complain that every touch leads to sex, so they will avoid so much as hand holding because they aren’t in the mood for where it will lead. They want the affection, the hand holding, a kiss, a back rub, without the expectation they think it will entail. Affection, or non-sexual touch, needs to be a part of every couples’ day to day repertoire.

Appreciation: We all want to know when we’ve done a good job. It not only lets us know that we have done it right, but also makes us more likely to do it again. Like the other two, showing appreciation likely happened a lot while we were first together, but dwindles with time.

A website, hartcoachingacademy.com, states that appreciation is a huge driving factor for men in particular. “Opportunities that yield appreciation are where he will head first.” While I have no really hard information that men have a higher need for appreciation, if anyone, man or woman, is taken for granted they are more likely to find other outlets to fulfill their needs.

The need in relation to the three A’s may play a different role depending on your Love Language. Quality time is certainly going to require more actual time than receiving gifts, but all of the five require you to give thought and time to your partner. Those whose language is Words of Affirmation will need more appreciation than others, but make no mistake, we all need it.

None of these things has to require a lot of time. Let me give you five ideas that require less than a minute: Kissing your partner goodbye in the morning. Texting to say you are thinking about them. Saying they look really good. Telling them you appreciate how hard they work. Really listening when they talk.

Our relationship with our primary partner is likely the most important connection we will have in our adult life and yet we sometimes take it for granted. These should be as much of a daily ritual as brushing your teeth if you want a healthy relationship. If you find yourself in the weeds however, all you need to get back headed in the right direction is a little AAA.