Is There Pressure (Internal or External) to Marry?

“This drive for abstinence is putting a lot of pressure on girls to get married earlier.” Dr. Abeja Apunyo

One of the annoying questions we are faced with when we are young is ‘when are you going to get married?’ If a couple has been dating for a few years, the question ramps up. At family gatherings, a couple must run the gauntlet – sometimes even from the young. I once had a boyfriend’s young brother ask when he could start calling me auntie. It is difficult to be the last person in your family or friend group that is single. To attend all the weddings, see them as they welcome children. It almost feels like everyone questions what is wrong with us if we aren’t married. Sometimes, it feels like all the world conspires to make us feel miserable if we aren’t married.

The decision to make a lifelong commitment to another person is a difficult one. We are trying to get to know who our partner really is, but also to project into the future to who they will be through all the stages and ups and downs of life. Few of us have a crystal ball to make this easy. When one adds on top of this external or internal pressure to marry, it’s easy to be unclear on whether this is a knight in shining armour or an idiot in tinfoil. To know whether we are incompatible and better off apart.

Couples now seem to feel less pressure to make their relationship official with a ceremony, but the older generations still hold onto this as the ideal for their children and grandchildren. Whether there is an official designation on your relationship or not doesn't matter. Many younger couples are as committed as those that are actually married. They buy houses together, have children, and act as a unit. They too may feel pressured to pair up permanently and make choices out of wants and needs and not from a well thought out plan.

Families that are very traditional or those of certain religions put extreme pressure on their members to marry or to wait until marriage to have sex. In these cases, are you asking all the questions or are you just blindly moving towards marriage as an expectation? The news isn’t all bad here. Arranged marriages have a much lower divorce rate. These ideals aren’t necessarily bad and may lead to a very good outcome, but what if you are someone who doesn’t buy into your community’s beliefs? Choosing a partner is hard enough without being pressured into it.

The push to marry isn’t just an emotional issue. Unlike men, women have a window in which procreation is possible. Studies show that women are most fertile in their twenties, with a sharp decline after thirty-two. Advancements in technology have made it possible to have a child at forty, though there are greater risks at this age. In addition to the risks, who at this age has the energy to chase a high energy toddler around and who wants to be asked continually if you are the child’s grandmother? Perhaps because of this, most people I ask would prefer to have children when they are younger.

Certainly one is able to have a child as a single woman, but Norman Rockwell paintings, the media, and fairy tales we grew up on maintain that the ideal family is Mom, Dad, and children. Even girls raised by single parents want to do better by their children and give them that ideal life. Historically, the only acceptable situation in which to start a family was as a wedded couple. Girls who got pregnant out of wedlock were married quickly or quietly whisked away to have the child and then put it up for adoption. Ideas have evolved and we now have all manner of family structures. Still there are some that desperately want that ring.

At times, one person in a relationship sees forever after and the other just isn’t sure. In a survey undertaken by RelationshipsinAmerica.com (https://relationshipsinamerica.com/marriage-and-divorce/whos-more-interested-in-marrying-men-or-women) found that this occurred in one out of three

couples, all of whom were dating or living together. This is a painful dynamic. The one who isn’t sure can be placed under a great deal of stress to make up their mind by their partner, family, and friends. Some have even been known to be issued with an ultimatum. Ultimatums, experts agree, are not the way to achieve a healthy relationship. It is okay, though, to state ones wants and needs and have a conversation with your partner about their wants and needs.

Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D. writes, “When you make a decision to be with someone because of the pressure you feel (from yourself or others) rather than because the person seems right for you, you are giving your power away and ensuring an unhappy end to your love story.”