“People in relationships are either flowers or gardeners. Two flowers shouldn’t partner; they need someone to support them, to help them grow.... Flowers bloom; gardeners tend. Two flowers, no tending everything dies.” Rebecca Serle
This concept was made popular following the movie, I, Tonya. One person is the gardener - nurturing, supportive and works to make the right environment so the flower can grow and bloom. The flower on the other hand uses the support to be the best they can be. There is a saying that behind every great man is a great woman. This doesn’t have to be gender specific. Often behind any person of note, there is a team that helped them get to where they are: parents, coaches, mentors and, yes, spouses. My father achieved much in his life and those that know of him, probably don’t even know my mother’s name. He got to where he was because my mother believed in him and supported his efforts.
I believe I could ask this question to a heterosexual couple separately and have each claim to be the gardener. Likely, almost no man is going to claim to be the flower. The way this works may not be straightforward. A gardener may be the one that brings in all or most of the income, but not necessarily. There are sports superstars raking in the big bucks while their partners may only make a pittance in comparison. The partner is in the background, taking care of the kids, home and life, letting the flower bloom. Men, on average, continue to provide more of the household income in many marriages. They could make a case that they are the gardener. Women, even when they work full time do more of the housework and childcare. They could make a case that they are the gardener.
In the emotional sense, some people require a lot of attention, they are like exotic orchids that need exactly the right conditions to thrive. Some people need everything to be about them. If they are not getting enough good attention, they will seek negative attention. If you are with a high maintenance person or a drama queen, you are likely the gardener. One’s Love Language may come into play here; someone whose language is Acts of Service fits naturally into the Gardener role.
In real life it becomes less clear who assumes what role. I believe in all relationships there are times and ways in which each person is the gardener and ways in which each is the flower. Over the course of the relationship we play both roles, swapping back and forth in these roles. A woman that put her spouse through school and helped them get a great job, now has a high risk pregnancy and needs months of bed rest. It’s now her partner's turn to be the gardener. There are times in everyone’s adult life when they require some nurturing. No matter how tough one is, when we have lost a significant parent or are extremely ill we need someone to provide us with a little TLC. The question is, can or will they be the gardener when it’s needed?
I can foresee problems in continually being the gardener. Without a balance between the roles one could burn out. We help our partner to bloom, we work to put them through school. We do all the housework and child care so they can study. We help them with their resume. They finally make it. Now that they have bloomed will they may want someone that is more in line with their new version?
How will you take turns in each role as your needs change over time? If all one does is take, this can take a toll on the relationship from which you may not return. While I can’t find any studies on the matter, I would suspect couples where one is continuously the emotional and physical gardener the divorce rate is higher. I think we should look at the relationship as a garden and each of us as a gardener working to make it a fertile environment so that the yield is abundant.
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