“When people appear to be something other than good and decent, it is only because they are reacting to stress, pain, or the deprivation of basic human needs such as security, love, and self-esteem.” Abraham Maslow
Our behaviour can be affected by our needs or, rather, a lack of fulfillment of a need. Maslow postulates five levels in his Hierarchy of Needs. They are; Physiological, Safety, Love, Esteem, and finally Self-actualization. The ones lower on the hierarchy need to be attended to before higher ones can be achieved and we can do great things with our lives.
Physiological are our very basest of needs; food, shelter, clothes. Safety and security can be anything from our physical safety to resources, job security, and stable health. Love and belonging can be a romantic relationship, as well as friends, family, and community connections. Esteem relates to status, recognition, and respect. Self-actualization is being the best version of ourselves.
We may have climbed the ladder of needs and be at the top of our game and still have a problem with one of the rungs. A person might be on top of the world, a star in his field, amassed a fortune, and yet neglected family and friends. They sit in their huge home alone. They may even die alone, not discovered for weeks as they had no one that missed them. As we are always moving and changing, we can ping pong through the levels over a lifetime.
To help you understand what I mean, let me go first. While I believe I have worked through the levels, safety remains a sticking point for me. When I was in grade two or three, I learned the meaning of murder/suicide. A girl from my elementary school was shot and killed. It was a small town, so I knew her. If this were to happen now, councillors would be brought in to help the children process this tragedy. Back then, no one seemed to consider the impact this would have. The person I am now expects the worst and prepares like the world will end tomorrow, no matter what is happening in my life.
If a person is stuck on the first stage – physiological needs – in the sense you are struggling for food and shelter, this is definitely going to signal a challenge for a relationship. Sometimes, however, we keep circling this stage because of insecurity in childhood. People stuck here may hoard food and possessions. My grandmother, in her old age, would pass by the grapes when she was grocery shopping, even though she could afford them because when her children were young, they were an unaffordable luxury.
Love and belonging is a need that my blog focuses on often. It’s a need that can lead to a lot of heartache if we lead with just our hearts. People will put the need for love above their well-being when they put up with bad behaviour or abuse, stating they stay because they love them so much. Within a relationship, there are some that, when they don’t feel loved, will look for it outside the relationship.
Self-esteem is a problem for many people. We see it in the young girl that worries about her weight and wearing the right clothes. We may not recognize it, though, in the young boy that’s running with the wrong crowd and trying to act tough. When we turn into adults, it doesn’t go way, but likely looks different. A man that won’t be caught dead at the ballet. A woman that is always on social media posting happy family moments even when the family is in chaos. When someone has struggled with esteem their whole life, this insecurity may rear its ugly head anytime they feel less than.
People that are stuck on the last stage or are stalled trying to reach this stage may find themselves trying to find the meaning of life or beating themselves up wondering what their purpose is. This is something often seen in midlife when people have an existential crisis. When they question what’s it all about. The stereotypical example of this is men in their fifties that hit the gym, buy a sports car, and leave their wife. Let me be clear: this is not just a male affliction, but men tend to define themselves more often by career and status.
When you know what area is problematic for your spouse, it can bring understanding to actions that may puzzle you and a clue as to what support your partner needs from you.