What Are Your Long-Term Financial Goals?

“If you aim at nothing, you will hit it every time.” Zig Ziglar

It has been shown that talking about money is uncomfortable and because of this, couples will keep their financial picture under wraps longer than they should. Watch enough reality television and you will see couples shopping for engagement rings before they explore what financial goals they each have and how they plan to achieve them. It isn’t surprising that couples marry without knowing what their spending versus saving style is, how much debt they carry, let alone what they want for their financial future.

As a couple, you should explore what your long-term financial goals are and look at what you will need to do in order to bring them to fruition. Gail Vaz Oxlade – financial writer – advises couples, "Have conversations about what it is you're trying to achieve. Don't just assume you both want to buy a house, and even if you say you want to buy a house, do you want to buy the same kind of house? You have to have the conversations and you can't just assume that the other person is on track with you if you don't ask the question."

Take this example of buying a home... It’s a great financial goal to have, but are you really prepared? People buy a house and get underwater because they forgot about taxes, condo fees, or closing costs. The cost for heat is too high or the roof needs a repair. In addition to being prepared to meet such goals, it’s important to know whether your partner shares the same dream.

Do you want to own a house? Is it doable in the area you are currently living? Can you afford it on your own or will you need a co-signer? At your present salary, how long will it take to save for a down payment?

Do you want children? Do you know the cost to raise a child is more than two hundred thousand dollars? Will one of you stay home instead of working to cut on childcare costs? Does one or both of you want the best of everything for your children, including private school?

Do you want a vacation property? A boat? A yearly tropical vacation?

Don’t forget retirement. It may seem so very far away when you are young, but it’s never too soon to plan. Do you want to retire at fifty-five?

What about funeral expenses? Are you planning ahead for things like this? The average funeral in Canada costs between five and ten thousand dollars! Do you want to leave an inheritance for any children you may have?

In addition to the needs of life, what are your dreams? Have you always wanted a horse? Does your partner want to visit France? You might think not all goals are financial goals, but often they are. You want to get a pilot’s license? How are you going to pay for it? You want to spend the night in a European castle? How will you pay for your flight there? All the bucket list items we have likely have a price tag attached.

All this requires planning. It may even be wise to sit down with a financial planner and obtain a second opinion on whether your goals are achievable at your current income levels and get some advice as to how you can best work towards them.

Once you agree on what your goals are as a couple, set down a plan on how you will achieve them. Not all of us are great at handling finances. Both parties should know what is going on in this regard, but based on money managing skills, one may be the better choice to hold the reins. And even if you’re taking equal roles in money managing, it’s important to ensure you’re on the same page, so bills aren’t being paid twice – or not at all – because of miscommunication.

What Are You Willing to Do to Maintain a Strong Bond?

“I think people spend too much time staring into screens and not enough time drinking wine, tongue kissing, and dancing under the moon.” Rachel Wolchin

It is hard to maintain a connection to someone you rarely connect with. Like that best friend from elementary school that moved away in grade four. You think of them fondly and from time to time have long phone calls. You swap gifts and cards, but honestly, if they stopped communicating it wouldn’t leave that big a hole in your life.

Our intimate partnerships shouldn’t be like this. The reason we committed to each other in the first place is as a result of the amount of time we spent together initially. All the time we spent talking and getting to know each other. It can be easy to slip into a routine and believe that the hard work is over and now you can just exist in proximity to each other.

Meryn G. Callander, in a report titled Why Dads Leave, states, “A couple’s developing empathy and respect for each others’ feelings and needs, and communicating with the intent to love and to learn, rather than protect and defend, is key. Make spacious time to talk—ideally daily—at least weekly.” Partnerships need to be nurtured if we wish to maintain a healthy, long-lasting bond.

Empathy and concern for the other’s feelings is easier for women than men. Women define themselves by relationships, men by careers. A woman is going to fight for her relationship and that is why you may feel they nag or pursue you when you want to walk away from an argument. They may be in fear of the distance they feel happening in a relationship and desperately want to bring you closer together again. I am in no way suggesting that men don’t feel empathy or care about their partners feelings. I am just reporting what studies have shown. No matter your gender, we should strive to make sure our bond remains strong.

I see online and in bookstores, thirty day challenges for everything from weight loss to making the world a better place. It would be nice if whenever we felt distant or a lack of health in our relationship, we undertook a marriage thirty day challenge (though it takes sixty-six days for a new habit to become automatic – so maybe do it twice).

  1. Tell your partner five things you like about them.

  2. Ask your partner to share something you may not know about them.

  3. Hold hands as often as possible today.

  4. Pray for your partner and your relationship.

  5. Do something nice for your partner.

  6. Give each other a massage (alternate nights if time requires it).

  7. Tell your partner a dream you haven’t shared before and ask them to help you fulfill it.

  8. Surprise your partner with notes, phone calls, or texts reflecting your love.

  9. Make sure to hug and/or kiss each other at least twice each day, every day.

  10. Check in with how your partner is doing and really listen.

  11. Try to glean something your partner would really like to have or for you to do and do it (e.g. put away the patio furniture, buy flowers, bake them cookies). It’s okay to ask their friend for hints.

  12. Buy or make your partner a card.

  13. Do something in line with your partners Love Language (if you don’t know what it is, go directly to jail, do not pass go).

  14. Tell your partner something you appreciate that they have done.

  15. Do something without being asked (e.g. if they usually empty the dishwasher do it before they get to it).

  16. Talk up your partner in front of others.

  17. Bring up a fun, special, or memorable moment you had together. Better yet, find a physical reminder (picture, sticker, souvenir) and leave it, with a note, where your partner will see it.

  18. Cook their favourite meal or dessert.

  19. Put on some music and cook dinner together. Use your best dishes and light candles.

  20. You may not be old enough to remember mix tapes, but putting together a playlist of your partner’s favourite music is still a nice gesture.

  21. Write a pro’s list of why you are glad your partner is in your life. Leave it where they’ll find it.

  22. Write or plagiarize a poem of love for your partner.

  23. Don’t forget your manners. Please and thank you always go a long way.

  24. Make them breakfast in bed.

  25. Buy their favourite snacks and let them pick the movie. Cuddle up while you watch it.

  26. Find an unusual reason to celebrate your partner (e.g. Kiss a Ginger day).

  27. Participate in one of their activities you normally don’t.

  28. Write them a love letter.

  29. Recreate your first date or how you met.

  30. Do a relationship challenge or read and discuss a book on marriage.

  31. Meet up at a bar or coffee shop and pretend you are strangers meeting for the first time.

  32. Do a new activity together, such as a cooking class or a kick boxing class.

  33. Spice up your intimacy.

  34. Make sure hugs last at least twenty seconds.

  35. Dance together – it has been shown to strengthen and repair relationships.

  36. Spend four minutes gazing into each others eyes with no talking.

  37. Ask how you can make their day better.

It is hard not to feel loved when someone is focusing their energy and attention on you. The reverse is also true: when you focus your energy and attention on someone, you’re often reminded why you fell in love with them in the first place.

Are You the Flower or the Gardener in Your Relationship?

“People in relationships are either flowers or gardeners. Two flowers shouldn’t partner; they need someone to support them, to help them gro...