Are You Looking to Fix Your Partner?

“Who someone could be still doesn’t change who they are. Never fall in love with someone’s potential because you could be falling in love with a person they’ll never be. Don’t let your hope make you blind to reality.” @trentshelton

If I had a nickel for every time I heard someone say if only my partner would... everything would be perfect, I’d be a rich woman. Far too often we enter marriage thinking it will fix the other person or make any issues we have disappear. It feels, when we are under the spell of love hormones, that love is all we need. It can be easy to believe that ours is a love deeper than any ever experienced by anyone else, so no problem will ever be too big to overcome. Down the road, every problem, every annoyance is still there and now we are living together and joined in a legal contract. Is it any surprise the average marriage lasts roughly eight years?

One of the biggest relationship red flags is when someone says of their partner, ‘they have so much potential’. That says, I don’t love and accept them for who they are, but who I can mould them into. The Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program states, “One sign of relationship problems, now or in the future, is when you focus on your partner as the source of the problems”. We want other people to do the changing, to meet us where we are. It is far easier and less painful to have others change than to examine ourselves, discover our flaws, and do what needs to be done to change ourselves. It is far easier to see where someone else is wrong.

A bigger question is: does your partner see they need to be fixed or do they even want to be fixed. Likely, if they wanted to be fixed, they would have done so already. Real change comes from within. A permanent fix is less likely if it comes from an external source. I saw a news article about a young man that had died from an overdose after having been in rehab, not once but twice. If we don’t have the motivation internally, when we find ourselves under pressure or facing things that are triggers, we slip back into old patterns if our motivations are less than a genuine sense of wanting to be better.

Do you feel your partner needs a whole lot of work? If this is who you have chosen, is it actually that you are settling? The desire for love is powerful and in the search for it, we sometimes lower our standards to find it. It makes it easier to see past the red flags, including the fact our partner is a complete tear down. This plays into the question of why you want to be in a relationship. If it’s for reasons of need rather than want, we are like a starving man, subject to taking whomever we can get our hands on. Is this really what you want for yourself?

One thing you may not want to explore is whether the issue you want fixed even rests with your partner. It might actually be you. Dr George Simon had a couple come to see him because the husband saw the need for professional help to fix his wife who was ‘difficult’. Simon, during the counselling sessions, determined the person that needed the most change was in fact the husband. The husband couldn't see it, not until after a divorce and several failed relationships.

We have blind spots when it comes to ourselves. Our partner’s flaws are as visible as Christmas lights on a dark night to us. When it comes to our own: What flaws? Do I have flaws??? You have them as well and likely your partner is very aware of them. They too may be hoping you’ll change. The thing to remember is that the only person we have control over is ourselves. We should focus not on hoping and nagging our partner to get them to be who we want, but on why these things bother us. What can we do to make this area of our partnership better? Are these issues deal breakers? We should not hope to make someone over, we need to take them as they are, warts and all, or be ready to move on.

Do Either of You Lack Impulse Control?

“Delayed gratification is a sweet lesson whose teacher knows the best is not right now, it is yet to be.” Maximillian Degenerez

Walter Mischel, in 1972, conducted a study at Stanford, advising a group of children that they would get a treat. They could either have one treat that was sitting in front of them right away or two if they waited until the researcher returned. The children who were able to wait to gain a greater reward were the ones able to delay gratification. This “...determines the patience and control of a child. These two characteristics are essential in a child upon growing up to develop core moral values like being honest, kind, trustworthy, and responsible.”

People who have mastered delayed gratification have traits like patience, self control, discernment, and long-term thinking. People with these qualities were shown to be more likely to have long-term satisfying marriages.

While Mischel labelled this as delayed gratification, I would state this ability was also a measure of impulse control. How able are you to manage the urge to tell your boss to screw himself after he has told you your work has to be redone or not eat that piece of cake when you know your cholesterol is too high?

Poor impulse control is an inability or struggle against the pull of a powerful urge to engage in an activity that is illegal, immoral, unhealthy, or otherwise detrimental to oneself or those we care about. We all act rashly sometimes, but this is problematic when there is a pattern of frequently acting suddenly without thought into the detrimental consequences that will result.

When one’s partner lacks the ability to think through how their actions will effect your life together, you may find yourself cleaning up after them. One couple, while trying to rent an apartment, had one partner show up unexpectedly with a puppy belonging to a large breed. It is difficult enough to find an apartment willing to take a small dog, let alone a large one. After struggling to find a place to take them, the partner then came home with a second dog. People with impulse control issues want what they want when they want it.

A person once told me what he was looking for in a relationship: someone who would help him make good decisions as the poor ones he was currently making were costing him a lot. At least he was aware...

Do you love this person enough that you will monitor all their actions or put them on an allowance and generally treat them like a child? It can be exhausting to be the only grown up in a relationship. It is hard to develop trust and feel safe in these relationships. You never know what terrible surprise waits around the corner. While having to be the responsible one can tiring, having an impulsive partner can have devastating effects on your future. If they jump from job to job or money burns a hole in their pocket, will you find yourself deep in debt or without retirement savings? Can you handle all the household bills on your income alone if this were your reality?

Being in a relationship with someone with impulse control issues is like waiting for a disaster to happen. Will they sell your car for some magic beans? Will they start an affair with a fresh faced co-worker and leave you with four kids to support? Will their impulsive behaviour cause them to end up in jail? While these examples are at the extreme end of the spectrum, we need to look for signs that are less subtle. Do they just have to have the latest version of the phone as soon as it comes out? Do they carry a lot of debt on credit cards?

Impulse control disorder can be treated with therapy and, some subsets, with medication. Still, is this something you would stay through?

Impulse Control Worksheet

 Look for these signs that someone has poor impulse control or an inability to delay gratification:

1. Do they carry a lot of debt?

2. Do they have drunk driving charges?

3. Do they have financial problems while making a decent living?

4. Have you seen compulsive lying?

5. Is there a history of fire starting?

6. Are there displays of explosive anger?

7. Is there a history of pulling one’s own hair?

8. Do they have a criminal record?

9. Is there a history of destroying others’ property?

10. In school, were they considered disruptive?

11. Do they have a history of theft?

12. Are they frequently drunk?

13. Is there a history of hurting people or animals?

14. Is there a history of risky sex?

15. Do they frequently say inappropriate things?

16. Do they want to move in together with you after only a brief courtship?

17. Do they have to have the latest and greatest of everything as soon as it comes out?

18. Are they indebted to a lot of people in money and in other ways?

19. Do they have a lot of ‘toys’, yet can't pay their rent?

20. Do they gamble frequently?

21. Is there a history of frequent risk-taking activities?

22. Have they often quit or been fired from jobs?

23. Do they say they like to be spontaneous or act on the spur of the moment?

24. Do they abhor lists and planning?

25. Do they often use the excuse: ‘you only live once’?

26. Do they get in fights?

27. Have you seen a lot of outbursts?

28. Is there a history of affairs or flirting with others?

29. Do they overeat or have trouble sticking to a diet?

30. Are there people that are afraid of them?

31. Have they been referred to as a hothead?

32. Do they have an addiction?

33. Do they have any savings?

34. Have they ever punched a hole in the wall?

35. Do they jump right in the minute they have an idea?

36. Has it ever been suggested they need anger management?

37. Do they buy things they don’t need?

38. When things are challenging, do they quit?

39. Do they have a lot of unfinished projects?

40. Do they often oversleep or are late for other reasons?

41. Do they plunge ahead with ideas even when everyone urges caution?

42. Do they fly by the seat of their pants?

43. Do they make purchases, then hide them?

How Does Your Partner Handle Frustration?

“All frustrations are self-induced. The outside world can invite us to become upset, but we ultimately accept the invitation.” Unknown

I once had to change a light bulb that had burnt out on my porch. Easy, right? Except the glass part of the bulb came off in my hand leaving the base in the socket. The weather had caused a bit of corrosion that left the bulb slightly rusted to the socket. There are different ways to handle this pressure, some more acceptable than others. A reasonable response would be to call a handyman or research on the internet how to deal with this. For some people, though, this would send them over the edge. Some might cry, scream, punch the wall, or just live without a functioning light. How would your partner react?

Some people are unflappable in the face of life’s troubles. No matter how many obstacles get thrown in their path, they find a way to navigate them. There is another group that falls to pieces at the first sign of trouble, like a toddler denied candy at the grocery store. Thankfully, the ability to handle frustration, like many other attributes, is on a spectrum with most people falling somewhere in the middle.

People who suffer from low frustration tolerance (LFT) are likely to give up as soon as they encounter resistance. They likely possess a pile of unfinished projects. They often miss deadlines. They are also likely to always be pawning their work off onto others. When they find themselves in a situation where they must perform, such as when their boss is watching, they are likely to get angry, stressed, or exhibit other signs that they are uncomfortable like sweating profusely, swearing, or blaming others for why things aren’t working.

It has also been suggested that a low ability to handle frustration is the cause in most cases for procrastination. These individuals, when things don’t go smoothly, will give up. Or, if they even believe a task will be difficult, will suddenly realize they need to alphabetize the spice rack so they have to delay the task indefinitely. Maybe even forever.

What does this mean for a relationship? A partner who doesn’t handle obstacles well is going to struggle with the ups and downs that are part of any relationship. Being part of a healthy relationship is going to mean that sometimes we don’t get our way. Sometimes we are going to disagree and argue. A person who can tolerate a moderate or high amount of frustration will deal with this pretty well. What about someone with LFT? A young woman on television said it best, “...when he doesn’t get his way he freaks out.” Do you want a partner that is always having temper tantrums? Do you want to always be blamed for any difficulties? Do you always want to give in to avoid these childish reactions? Is it easier to give in than be pestered until you do?

We need a partner that is reliable, that can keep their wits about them in a crisis. We want someone that can handle a home repair without losing their cool. We want a partner that will be able to keep a job. If children or pets are part of the package, we want a person that can deal with the mess and the demands that are part of this. We need a partner with patience and coping skills.

Handling frustration is also an ability needed in handling the rough parts of a relationship. Arguing with a partner will cause an emotional and perhaps physical response in even the most well-adjusted individual. They might say things they shouldn’t or not resolve the issue properly. Someone that struggles with LFT is even more likely to lash out, run away at the first sign of trouble, or make things worse. You may, in the entirety of the relationship, fail to resolve even one issue satisfactorily. Being in love with a partner with LFT will find that when something goes wrong, such as the babysitter cancelling, you always have to handle it. You may feel, at times, like you are the only adult in the relationship.

Do They Have Difficulty Apologizing?

“An apology means nothing if they don't stop doing what they are apologizing for. Believe action, not words.” Mandy Hale

You are going to screw something up in your relationship at some point. That is a fact. If we are honest with ourselves and have a healthy sense of self, we should be able to acknowledge we are wrong sometimes and, being human, we make mistakes. How you and your partner handle this is an important measure of how well things turn out for your relationship.

Some people have a hard time saying sorry. They may have been shamed or punished as a child when a mistake was made and now can’t accept responsibility. Dr. Guy Winch says, “Admissions of wrongdoing are incredibly threatening for non-apologists because they have trouble separating their actions from their character. If they did something bad, they must be bad people; open the door to shame.”

An inability to apologize may, however, just be due to their gender. Studies have shown that women apologize more than men. Women apologize as an expression of sympathy, but also in order to build and maintain relationships. Dr. Deborah Tannen helps us understand why men do so less often: “An apology is a move that frames the apologizer as one-down.” So, to apologize is a sign of weakness, fault, or vulnerability.

From personal experience, I know this gender difference in frequency to be true. I would say sorry to restore peace in the relationship even when I didn’t think I was wrong. On the other hand, I only heard sorry once in my marriage. Is it because he never screwed up? Far from it. Some say this is because men need to protect their fragile ego. Studies at the University of Waterloo, however, concluded that men have a higher threshold as to what actually requires an apology.

My concern here is not so much in this difference in how and why genders differ in the way an apology is issued. It is more in the misuse of the word sorry. Some say it, but don’t mean it or use it as a manipulation. I see criminals apologizing before sentencing and wonder what they are saying sorry for...because they got caught?

A true apology has four parts: the words, ‘I am sorry’, an acknowledgement of blame, a vow to not do this action again, and amends. I have heard it is easier to ask forgiveness then permission. This is a pattern that doesn’t have a place in a well-functioning relationship. If your partner is always coming to you asking for forgiveness, even with a genuine apology, are they really sorry if they do not change? You need to have trust in a relationship.

I, for most of my life, didn’t realize that many apologies I was given didn’t qualify as a true apology. When you tell someone you are sorry they feel that way, that is not an apology, you are telling them that what they feel is wrong or that their perception of the situation is. It puts the other person in a position of seniority, such that they get to judge how you feel. It kind of feels like an apology to the listener though, especially if the words sorry have never passed the speaker’s lips before. This is merely misdirection, sleight of hand, if you will.

A true apology never has the word but in it. Dr Phil states, “‘But’ is a powerful word, it means forget everything I just said, I’m now going to tell you what I really mean.” In an apology, it says I have a good reason why I did what I did or someone else is to blame. This is a backhanded apology that can placate a person into feeling like they have been apologized to, while sometimes turning the blame back onto the person that has been wronged. “I’m sorry but you made me so mad.”

These are not genuine apologies and we need to learn not to accept them.

‘I’m sorry’ is a complete sentence. As Erin from The Office says, “Buts are for pooping”.

Have You Accepted Each Other's Flaws?

 “Find someone who knows all your flaws and mistakes, but doesn’t judge you and accepts you as you are.” Unknown

We come into a relationship with flaws and baggage, we pile it next to our partner’s trunks and suitcases of baggage and hope that it doesn’t take up too much space in your life. When romance is new, we may admire the other for traits different than ours. Things that may seem exciting or stabilizing. Down the road, they may become infuriating or boring.

I once dated someone who stated he was looking for someone that would help him make good choices.

That was what he was looking for in the moment: security and financial assistance. I knew instinctively he would not like the decisions I would help him make, like take a second job, cancel cable, and sell his toys. In the moment, my pragmatic approach to money management was attractive, but as I doled out an allowance – if we stayed together – it wouldn’t be.

Too often, we get caught up in the romance of the moment, the hormone high, and don’t look down the road. We downplay how traits will work out over a lifetime. I see people who marry knowing the profession their beloved is in, only to complain down the road at the effect it has on their relationship. If you marry a soldier, don’t be surprised when they are deployed and you are left alone with the babies.

If you marry thinking love will change a person or smooth out the edges, you shouldn’t be walking down that aisle. Commitment over a lifetime takes a lot of hard work and if you are going into it handicapped by traits you hope will disappear, it will be even harder.

Interestingly, I hear people speak of wanting their partner to change for the sake of the relationship, but rarely hear anyone say they themselves need to change. You can be sure if you are hoping for change, so is the other person. It would be nice if we could place an online order for the perfect mate, but since we can’t, we need to accept flaws and find the best match we can.

Things get better only if a person acknowledges them and wants to change. You can love someone to the moon and back and still they persist in staying where they are. Families of addicts will send them to rehab several times, yet they continue down that path until they make the change because that is something they want for themselves or they die.

If you haven’t had a discussion with your partner exposing your flaws and mistakes, you aren’t ready to make a commitment. Being this exposed is, without a doubt, a very vulnerable place to be, but a necessary step. You need to peek into each others baggage, so years from now, you don’t open a closet and see a skeleton.

Television court shows are filled with people who buy a used car, then want to return it and get their money back when it has problems. People, like used cars, are ‘as is’. You need to do your research on both. With a car, look under the hood, take a test drive, consult a mechanic, don’t just fall in love with its shiny exterior. With a person, it is not as easy...that is why it is important to question, question, question.

Divorced people can tell you about the red flags they saw early on. The behaviours they thought were cute when they were dating, but were annoying later on. Red flags are supposed to signal danger for us. Why is it we pay attention to them when driving but not when we sign a life-long contract?

If they walk away because of a flaw you possess, they were not the right person for you and you have saved yourself years of fights before it ended anyway.