Are They Looking Outside Themselves for Happiness?

“Seeking happiness outside ourselves is like waiting for sunshine in a cave facing north.” Tibetan Proverb

From the time I was toddler, I’ve been made to believe that all it will take for me to be happy is to find a guy, get married, and it’s all gravy from there. It turns out that fairy tales and Disney movies may have been pulling a fast one on us all. I, and I’m sure a lot of other people, feel cheated. On the other side of marriage was washing dishes, dirty diapers, and paying bills, no marital wonderland in sight.

In talking to a counsellor, I expressed that something I did made me happy. He expressed that he thought it was wrong to see anything external as making me happy. He suggested I reframe my thinking as being that I like it or that it brings me enjoyment. Happiness, he said, needs to come from within.

Philip Brickman and Donald T. Campbell tell us we are all on a hedonistic treadmill. We have a baseline of happiness that is likely, in part, due to genetics. When something good happens to us, like getting our dream job, we will experience a period of intense happiness. This might feel like the pinnacle of our life and we might think from this day forward we will be living the dream. Truth be told, we will acclimate to this change and will return to our base level of happiness. We will then realize that this wasn’t really the thing that would make our life complete and we will seek out another dream to chase. We are always chasing happiness, never quite catching it for long.

This is how many of us live, always on the search for happiness somewhere outside ourselves. Truth be told, we have a better chance of finding a Sasquatch or the Loch Ness monster than we do true external happiness. You can never fill an internal void from the outside. Still, many people look to relationships as the answer to their unhappiness. If they just have a partner, if they just meet the right person... When we are in love we experience happiness, especially when a relationship is in its early stages and we are euphoric having this new person in our life. We’ve heard all the tag lines: they complete me, I’ve never been more in love, they are my soul mate... Love makes everything about life better.

Some people have a void inside. They try to fill it with food, money, power... Some look for someone else to fill it for them. I have said before that we do things for a reason, including entering relationships. If it’s for happiness, what happens if that person leaves or dies? Does all the sunshine go out of your life? Are you bereft of good feelings forever? Giving that power and responsibility to another leaves you in a vulnerable place. Making one person responsible for all your happiness can be smothering for them. This thinking sets us up for disappointment. No one person can provide everything you need to be happy and especially not at all times. Their job isn’t to try to make you happy.

If you are in a relationship with someone that is looking to you to make them happy, that is a heavy burden to carry. Once they return to their baseline level of happiness and life gets busy with work, paying the bills, and chores, they are going to look at you and may feel you are not fulfilling your end of the bargain as the thing that is supposed to make them happy. They are going to feel let down. At some point, they may blame you for the lack that is really internal. You should never need a person to fill your happiness quotient.

Just as a healthy relationship starts with two independent people, it also requires the coming together of two happy people. Not happy because you have found the one. Happy with who you are and where you are in life before you found them. The relationship brings enjoyment to a life that is already a birthday cake.

I guess it’s time we stop reading Cinderella to our children and instead pick up a copy of The Paper Bag Princess, where Elizabeth refuses to settle for the first ‘bum’ to come along.

Do They Have Critical Thinking Skills?

"Before you argue with someone, ask yourself, is that person even mentally mature enough to grasp the concept of a different perspective. Because if not, there's absolutely no point." Helen Mirren

COVID has divided us like few other topics have. It is clear that some people are lacking in their ability to look at all the data, analyze it, and come to a clear understanding of the unbiased reality. They can’t get beyond their own feelings and how it is affecting them personally to look at the bigger picture. They are lacking in the ability to think critically.

Critical thinking asks us to look at all available data, both for and against a topic of concern. It requires having an open mind and analyzing both the data and the source of the data. Having weighed it all, you reach an unbiased conclusion. We were all taught this in school, it’s called the scientific method. We were taught to come up with a hypothesis, then tests to measure this hypothesis. It seems, though, that some of us forget this and rely too strongly on our emotions or opinions as fact.

Young children lack critical thinking skills. They know only what they want in the moment. They want a certain toy and grabbing it away from a sibling or friend seems reasonable in filling a want that they have. It is through the guidance of parents, caregivers, and teachers that this child comes to grasp that there is a world beyond their own wants, needs, and opinions.

Some people don’t seem to realize that no matter what your belief, you are likely to find evidence that proves this point. Just look at any criminal trial, there are ‘experts’ on both sides to testify as to the truth of both sides of the same issue. How can the accused be both sane and insane?

How will this affect a relationship? We rely on our partner to make well-reasoned decisions. We don’t want a partner that can’t evaluate critically all these scamming emails and phone calls we receive and end up selling your home for magic beans. We don’t want a partner who puts us in danger. We don’t need a life filled with missed opportunities. We need a partner, especially if we want to have children, that has not just common sense, but an ability to look at a situation, assess it, and come up with a well thought out and reasoned reaction. If there is flood warning, perhaps a good approach is look at the news to see if it will affect your area, and if so, to pack up the valuables and necessities and call Grandma to see if you can come visit. Waiting until the flood waters are pouring in the basement windows may be too late.

What are some traits of people that lack critical thinking?

They are lacking in impulse control.

They repeat the same mistakes.

They make assumptions.

They lack self reflection.

They take their own opinion as fact.

They jump to conclusions.

There is an over reliance on emotions.

They go along with the crowd.

They are unaware of their biases.

They don’t look at the source of information or fact check.

They fail to look at the big picture of a situation.

They lack the ability to see things from another’s perspective.

They are lacking the ability to accept they may be wrong.

There is no ability to predict the consequences of an action.

There is a lack of problem solving skills.

They act based on wishful thinking.

There is objectivity when making a decision.

When we find ourselves in a relationship with someone that lacks the ability to move through life with a critical eye, we wind up in one of two outcomes. Either, we are blind to our partners lack of critical skills and, as a result, we are forever behind the eight ball. We are often short on money for our bills. We buy cars we can’t afford. We miss out on the daycare slot because we didn’t heed advice to get on the waiting list. The other way this can go is if we, eventually, see the lack and take charge. Life then becomes similar to a parent/child relationship. Rather than feeling we are an equal partnership, we become a babysitter. Making them turn over their pay cheque. Monitoring where they go and what sites they visit on the internet. Are either of these how you want to live out your days?