How Will You Deal With the 'Seven Year Itch'?

“The classic 'seven-year itch' may not be a case of familiarity breeding ennui and contempt, but the shock of having someone you thought you knew all too well suddenly seem a stranger.” Kathleen Norris

This phrase has been around since the early 1900’s, but didn’t gain popularity until the 1955 movie starring Marilyn Monroe. It is the idea that at seven years, a couple starts looking around to see what and who else is out there. It can also mean that one or both parties are dissatisfied with the relationship or circumstances they are in. Some experts don’t think it’s a real thing, but any long-term couple will tell you that there have been times they felt this way, though not necessarily at seven years. Some suggest it is more likely the four year itch, but it seems to depend on where you look. The US Census Bureau reported in 2001 that the average first marriage that ends in divorce lasts just eight years, seeming to give credence to the seven year itch.

The early years of a relationship are called the honeymoon phase. It is that time when you can’t get enough of each other, think everything about them is wonderful, and can’t wait for forever to begin. The excitement or happiness we feel over any situation fades as it becomes part of the fabric of our life. When you first buy a new car, you can barely contain your excitement. You tell everyone, you post pictures on social media, you can’t wait to drive it. After a month, you barely think about it. It becomes routine.

Relationships are the same way, though it is difficult when you are so in love at the beginning to wrap your mind around this. Real life sets in, you go to work, figure out who does what chores. You fight about money. Babies come along. You see each other sick. The phenomenon doesn’t happen because of any big relationship issues, but real life setting in. Part of your vows say: in good times and in bad. Several years in, you are clear on the bad. It makes sense that after seven years you have probably seen who your partner really is.

Part of the blame falls on the way our bodies work. Research has shown that the hormones and chemicals surging through us when love is new is similar to being high. After the honeymoon, our levels of these substances returns to normal. If you’ve ever done something stupid while drunk, you know what it is like the next morning when you sober up.

Research shows after the honeymoon phase you are going to experience some decline in relationship satisfaction. A German fifteen year long study concluded that the honeymoon phase ended and the partners returned to their baseline of happiness two years after their marriage. “...the findings from a 1999 study at Wright State University in Ohio, US, that involved hundreds of newlyweds completing annual psychological tests over the first 10 years of their marriage. The couples’ marital satisfaction tended to drop off sharply over the first four years, then to stabilise (sic) for a while, and finally to begin another descent after seven years – that last result apparently supporting the folk notion of a ‘seven-year itch’.” (Christian Jarrett in Science Focus)

Romantic movies and songs lead us to believe we will always feel this heady feeling we have when we fall in love. Even the fairy tales we were read as children led us to believe it was all rainbows and sunshine after 'I do'. They always ended with '...and they lived happily ever after', rather than with the prince clogging the toilet yet again and the princess spending too much on shoes. We look at our parents and think they must never have felt the way we do.

Studies on happiness suggest we have a set point of happiness. That is, we have a baseline level of happiness determined by our genes, personality, and early experiences. Our level of happiness will rise temporarily in response to circumstances - like falling in love - but will always return to our baseline.

What do you know about your partners happiness set point? Are they like Tigger from Winnie the Pooh or like Eeyore? This is hard to determine as you likely only knew them while you were in love. Ask their parents and friends. Check out pictures of them from childhood onwards. Interestingly, frowning in childhood pictures has been found to correlate to increased likelihood to divorce.

This return to Planet Earth after the heady time of new love doesn’t have to spell the end of a marriage. Many couples move forward. Does your relationship have what it takes? Did you ask the questions before making a commitment? Are you committed to doing the hard work of reconnecting even if it means seeking outside help? Experts tell us love is more than just a feeling, it is a choice. A choice to fight for your relationship. A choice to love them even when you don’t like them.

If at four or five or seven years, you experience this itch, it doesn’t signal that this was a mistake and your relationship is doomed. Studies show there are long-term benefits to marriage. You are going have times in a long term marriage when you hit rough patches. During these times, turn towards each other and not away.

Is this the Right Person and Are You Both Ready for Commitment?

If they do not have both right now, are you wasting time you could spend finding someone who is both? Never push someone into more than they are ready for, it won't end well in the long run.

Is this the right person? This is different from 'do you love them'. We often put no more thought into relationships than answering the love question. We, especially when young, believe if we love deeply enough, we can overcome anything. The divorce statistics are enough to convince us otherwise. We can love someone and not be able to live with them. If it were otherwise, love would be easy.

We need to put more thought and research into who we end up with. While it is impossible to find a perfect person who never emits noxious odors or disappoints us occasionally, we should not let our discretion fall so low that we end up with someone who wounds us often and leaves us mostly unhappy. Settling for someone who checks too few boxes on our wish list just so we have someone to wake up next to is a poor recipe for fulfillment.

Similarly, entering a marriage with the idea that we can change someone or smooth out the rough edges should be a huge red flag that this is not Ms. or Mr. Right. Society seems to rub our face into the fact that we need to be part of a couple, but we should not allow the pressure to set us up for misery and perhaps divorce. Sometimes it is better to be alone than with the wrong person.

An equally important question is: are they ready for a commitment? Not everyone desires a monogamous life, so if you want the Norman Rockwell picture with two children and a white picket fence, you need to know what your partner desires in this regard.

This person may be someone you could see growing old with, but if they need to sow their oats before they even consider putting a ring on it, maybe they are not sure you are the right one. If they are still playing the field, find someone who is not. The only thing more painful then spending three years waiting for someone to commit to you before it ends is putting in four years with the same result. What if there is someone just around the corner who possesses both the readiness and the appropriateness and you are tied to an anchor, waiting, and not looking around to catch sight of them?

It may be that the person you so desperately love has FOMO – fear of missing out. Maybe there is someone better out there, maybe marriage will curtail my job opportunities, maybe casual sex is better... Television and social media have opened up our world in ways our grandparents could not have imagined in their younger days and it seems there are so many possibilities.

The solution some people resort to when they feel they have paid their dues and now a payoff is owed is to issue an ultimatum. I imagine this works as often as it leads to a break up. There is a saying,'a man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still'. While you could see an ultimatum as setting a boundary, it could feel to those on the receiving end as a threat. No one likes to feel pressured or trapped and it is hard to feel loving and not resentful towards the person making them. Pressure may make diamonds, but if you have ever put an unopened can of food in a campfire, you have an explosion on your hands. If your partner suffers from FOMO, even if they put a ring on it, will they continue to look around? A life long commitment that will be happy and enduring should be the result of a genuine desire.

Another method is trapping someone by getting pregnant. It is more acceptable then it once was to remain unmarried after a pregnancy, but some still think this is the way to get someone to commit. This is a terrible excuse to bring life into the world. If you are a man whose partner has just found out they are pregnant, you need to ask yourself: 'if she was not pregnant would I still want to marry her?' Becoming divorced is hard enough, try it with another person for whom you are responsible.

You deserve both the right person and someone headed down the same path as you. Do not get fixated on a person and try to cram them into the picture you have of the future. Focus on the future and find someone who can not wait to take a selfie with you there. You’re worth it.