Are You the Flower or the Gardener in Your Relationship?

“People in relationships are either flowers or gardeners. Two flowers shouldn’t partner; they need someone to support them, to help them grow.... Flowers bloom; gardeners tend. Two flowers, no tending everything dies.” Rebecca Serle

This concept was made popular following the movie, I, Tonya. One person is the gardener - nurturing, supportive and works to make the right environment so the flower can grow and bloom. The flower on the other hand uses the support to be the best they can be. There is a saying that behind every great man is a great woman. This doesn’t have to be gender specific. Often behind any person of note, there is a team that helped them get to where they are: parents, coaches, mentors and, yes, spouses. My father achieved much in his life and those that know of him, probably don’t even know my mother’s name. He got to where he was because my mother believed in him and supported his efforts.

I believe I could ask this question to a heterosexual couple separately and have each claim to be the gardener. Likely, almost no man is going to claim to be the flower. The way this works may not be straightforward. A gardener may be the one that brings in all or most of the income, but not necessarily. There are sports superstars raking in the big bucks while their partners may only make a pittance in comparison. The partner is in the background, taking care of the kids, home and life, letting the flower bloom. Men, on average, continue to provide more of the household income in many marriages. They could make a case that they are the gardener. Women, even when they work full time do more of the housework and childcare. They could make a case that they are the gardener.

In the emotional sense, some people require a lot of attention, they are like exotic orchids that need exactly the right conditions to thrive. Some people need everything to be about them. If they are not getting enough good attention, they will seek negative attention. If you are with a high maintenance person or a drama queen, you are likely the gardener. One’s Love Language may come into play here; someone whose language is Acts of Service fits naturally into the Gardener role.

In real life it becomes less clear who assumes what role. I believe in all relationships there are times and ways in which each person is the gardener and ways in which each is the flower. Over the course of the relationship we play both roles, swapping back and forth in these roles. A woman that put her spouse through school and helped them get a great job, now has a high risk pregnancy and needs months of bed rest. It’s now her partner's turn to be the gardener. There are times in everyone’s adult life when they require some nurturing. No matter how tough one is, when we have lost a significant parent or are extremely ill we need someone to provide us with a little TLC. The question is, can or will they be the gardener when it’s needed?

I can foresee problems in continually being the gardener. Without a balance between the roles one could burn out. We help our partner to bloom, we work to put them through school. We do all the housework and child care so they can study. We help them with their resume. They finally make it. Now that they have bloomed will they may want someone that is more in line with their new version?

How will you take turns in each role as your needs change over time? If all one does is take, this can take a toll on the relationship from which you may not return. While I can’t find any studies on the matter, I would suspect couples where one is continuously the emotional and physical gardener the divorce rate is higher. I think we should look at the relationship as a garden and each of us as a gardener working to make it a fertile environment so that the yield is abundant.

How Will Household Labour Be Divided?

“No one likes doing chores. In happiness surveys, housework is ranked down there with commuting as activities that people enjoy the least. Maybe that's why figuring out who does which chores usually prompts, at best, tense discussion in a household and, at worst, outright fighting.” Emily Oster

Most fights in marriage are over money, but I hazard division of labour has to be second. Back in the fifties, what roles we played in a marriage was easy. The woman took care of the house and children and the man worked and took care of the messy jobs like changing the oil. With the equal rights of women, we were to enjoy the freedoms of men, and women joined the work force. Now, many families are dual income and the equal rights fight has given way to the battle of household responsibility.

A good discussion to have is about how each set of parents handled household responsibility and what worked and what did not. My father never changed a diaper. My mom never mowed the lawn. When we come from traditional homes, we may have an unintentional mindset of tasks as being gender specific.

Studies show that working women do more housework and childcare then men and this trend does not appear to be abating. Even in households that report a high degree of male participation, the woman is still doing more. Few enjoy housework – it is like being on a hamster wheel... You do the dishes and the next day, you eat breakfast and there are more dishes. You spend the day doing laundry and at the end of the day undress, making more laundry!

While the trend is that women are doing more, is there a reason for this? I have observed women ‘correcting’ the way their husband undertakes household or childcare tasks. Women then question why their husband is not helping. Would you help if you had dressed your child for daycare, then your wife complained the outfit did not match and redressed them? Would you pitch in to cook if your wife would not eat what you made because it was spiced wrong?

Men ask, ‘Why does she care anyway?’ Men see dust on the coffee table and still put their feet on it and watch the game. It still holds their beer, so what does dust matter? Women see their home as a reflection of themselves. A house that is dirty shows they are a failure. Part of nurturing is making sure those they hold near and dear are secure and safe.

Kin Hubbard makes this point in defence of his brethren, “The fellow who owns his own home is always coming out of a hardware store.” Men, it is touted, are not getting a fair representation in these studies. The research is biased in that these studies minimize or completely fail to look at jobs traditionally done by men: changing the oil, mowing the lawn, home repairs. It is also pointed out that, on average, males that are employed full-time work more hours than women employed full-time. If you factor in the male’s longer work hours and the time spent doing ‘man’s work’, there is actually very little difference.

Women counter that the chores traditionally done by men are of a less then everyday nature, changing the oil happens a few times a year, yet food preparation happens several times a day.

Some men report they would help with housework more if their wife helped with outside chores. Fair enough. Though women are becoming more independent, many women do not know about the workings of cars or furnaces. There is no science, though, to raking leaves or cleaning the gutters. Men need to remember, in the same way women should not critique a man’s cleaning efforts, a man should not tell his spouse that it looks like a gorilla mowed the lawn.

Is there a meeting of the minds over what clean looks like? What is an appropriate supper? If someone has done the job, even if it is not up to your standards, do not redo it. When a spouse undertakes a task, we need to understand that it may not be done as you would...there may be crumbs on the counter or every dish in the house is dirty after cooking. People’s comfort level with clutter or dirt is different. It only matters that they tried. We also should not need to be reminded over and over. No one likes to be nagged, but if the garbage is something you agreed to do and the can is overflowing, what do you expect?

Use the chore list to figure out who will do what job. We all have tasks we hate, like cleaning the bathroom. It is important to know what your partner hates doing, so perhaps you can take on this job. And, if you both hate it, rotate. Maybe a fair way to view this is hours spent. If someone really is working more hours outside the home, this should be relevant.

One last note that may make all of this seem more important: John Gottman, PhD, states, “Women find a man’s willingness to do housework extremely erotic.” As one woman told me, “If he wants to turn me on, clean a bathroom.”

Division of Household Labour - Worksheet

1.  Who will make a menu?

2. Who will do the cooking?

3. Who will do the baking?

4. Who will set and clear the table?

5. Who will shop for groceries?

6. Who does the dishes?

7. Who will clean the fridge?

8. Who will clean the kitchen?

9. Who will clean the bathroom?

10. Who will vacuum and sweep?

11. Who will mop floors?

12. Who will dust?

13. Who will do tidying?

14. Who will take care of the plants?

15. Who will make the beds?

16. Who will change bedding?

17. Who will do the laundry?

18. Who will take and pick up dry cleaning?

19. Who will do mending?

20. Who will shop for clothes and furnishings?

21. Who takes out the trash and recycling?

22. Who will do deep cleaning (oven, defrost freezer, clean carpets)?

23. Who will wash the windows?

24. Who will clean blinds and curtains?

25. Who will paint when needed?

26. Who will do spring cleaning of the interior?

27. Who will do spring cleaning of the exterior?

28. Who will get the chimney cleaned?

29. Who will deal with bugs and vermin?

30. Who will maintain smoke detectors, fire extinguishers and carbon monoxide detectors?

31. Who will inspect the exterior for maintenance issues?

32. Who will clean the gutters?

33. Who will do yard care (mowing, raking, aerating)?

34. Who will shovel snow?

35. Who will maintain flower beds?

36. Who will do the watering?

37. Who will clean the garage?

38. Who will do routine home maintenance?

39. Who will see to the upkeep of the heating, cooling, electrical and plumbing systems?

40. Who will maintain lawn mowers, power tools etc.?

41. Who will do major home repairs?

42. Who will handle household emergencies?

43. Who will take care of home improvements and renovations?

44. Who will take care of appliance maintenance?

45. Who will wash the car?

46. Who will do car maintenance?

47. Who will winterize the house and vehicles?

48. Who will handle major purchases?

49. Who will run errands?

50. Who picks up and deals with the mail?

51. Who does the budget?

52. Who will pay the bills?

53. Who will do the banking?

54. Who will do the taxes?

55. Who will manage the family’s schedule?

56. Who will handle legal matters?

57. Who will do financial planning?

58. Who answers letters, emails and returns phone calls?

59. Who makes medical appointments?

60. Who will take care of extended family matters?

61. Who will buy gifts for family & friends?

62. Who will plan special events?

63. Who will plan vacations?

64. Who will plan outings and recreational activities?

65. Who takes care of the pets?

66. Who will take care of the children?

67. Who will bath the children?

68. Who is in charge of the bedtime routine?

69. Who will drop off and pick up children?

70. Who will fill in children’s forms?

71. Who will volunteer at school?

72. Who will pack children’s snacks and meals?

73. Who will take care of sick children?

74. Who will over see homework?

75. Who will attend teacher conferences?

76. Who will drive to after school activities?

77. Who will take care of discipline?