Are You Aware of Your Partner’s Vulnerabilities and Sensitivities?

“People marry with a deep longing that their partner will tend to their wounds, not throw salt in them.” Harriet Lerner

We are pretty much fully cooked by the time we decide to make a lifelong commitment to someone. We have our strengths and most importantly for this discussion, our weaknesses. We come into relationships with baggage. No matter how strong one tries to appear, they have shortcomings. We are the total of our genetics, how we were raised, and everything that happened to us. No one is perfect, so it is best to have an idea of the flaws, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities of the person you have chosen to bond with. It is often unresolved issues from the family of origin that determine the issues we carry into our relationship. It is these same issues that might even explain why we marry who we do. We are sometimes looking to fill a void or complete some developmental task through the relationship we pick.

Fear of vulnerability is perhaps one of the most common and deeply rooted fears. Early humans needed to be on constant alert for danger, so vulnerabilities needed to be constantly on their mind. Nowadays, the attacks we are subjected to are often less physical and more emotional or spiritual. The idea of vulnerability today brings to mind weakness. Brene Brown, however, believes this to be far from the truth: “...vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our most accurate measure of courage.”

Are you aware of what baggage your partner carries? It is these vulnerabilities that will likely be the reason behind the persistent fights you will have as a couple, Harriet Lerner Ph.D. asserts. When we are new to a relationship, we often keep our shadow side under wraps until we are sure we are loved and valued. As a relationship progresses, we begin to unpack our baggage. We begin to feel safe and secure in the connection we have. Whether we do this knowingly or not, we begin to expose the ways in which we are flawed, our sensitivities, our scars, our tender spots.

It is a matter of deep trust that someone reveals vulnerability to us. We certainly wouldn’t want to reveal them to someone that is strictly a business acquaintance. We believe that our partner would never do anything to hurt us, so we feel safe sharing our broken places. In revealing our vulnerabilities, we are giving our partner the power to wound us deeply, but trusting that they won’t. There are few things more painful within a relationship then to reveal to your beloved a vulnerability and have them use it against you.

Are you aware what topics are triggers? Are you aware of lines you shouldn’t cross? Are you willing to accept them as they are with no expectation they will change in this regard? If you have no idea what your partner’s vulnerabilities and sensitivities are and you have been together a considerable amount of time, that brings up another issue: why not? Is there true intimacy or is this just a superficial pairing? Do you not really care about your partner? Don’t you truly trust this person?

To bump up against someone’s emotional wound that you are aware of is no different then to poke them on a still fresh surgical scar. But we try to get our partners to overcome these deficiencies out of love and wanting better for them. I can understand wanting a partner to ‘get over’ this tender spot, but true healing never occurs until they are ready to work on them for themselves, not to please you. We can’t want it for them. We would never tell someone we love that is suffering from cancer to just get over it, yet this is often what we do when it comes to the scars we have on the inside. We shouldn’t expect that picking at these wounds will entice our partner to just get over these long held scars.

Those that will have the most problems with revealing their vulnerabilities in a relationship are those who have been betrayed and had them used against them. They will have learned to build walls and keep people at a distance to avoid getting hurt again.

Sharing our vulnerabilities can foster trust and create a deep connection and intimacy in our relationship. Misusing this trust can spell the end of it. There is nothing like a close relationship to foster knowing what buttons to push. We know how to hurt each other and it is not unusual to do so once in a while. When it is done intentionally and repeatedly this is akin to abuse.

Is Abandonment Happening in Small Ways?

“The worst and saddest feelings one can go through is not being lonely, but abandoned and forgotten by the one you would have never abandoned or forgotten.” Unknown

“I’ll be there for you when the rain starts to pour...” This is a line from the theme song of the show Friends. Isn’t that what friends are for? Our relationships should provide mutual support, love, help us grow. Perhaps most importantly to keep us afloat when a crisis washes over us. We expect this to be especially true of our romantic partners.

“Abandonment is our first fear. It is a primal fear-a fear universal to the human experience. As infants we lay screaming in our cribs, terrified that when our mothers left the room they were never coming back” (Susan Anderson C.S.W.). Feeling safe and loved are at the roots of our ability to move forward in life and grow to be the best we can be. This is so powerful that children in orphanages who are not receiving enough love, touch and nurturing will stop growing and sometimes even die.

We are clear on what constitutes physical abandonment; she doesn’t show up to watch us play hockey, he works late and doesn’t make it to your sisters for supper. There is also emotional abandonment and that is a little murkier to define. It is when our needs are not being met. It is when a plan we worked out together is not being followed. It can also be when our wants are not being met, given they are not unreasonable and we have shared them with our partner.

Over the course of a relationship, you are going to face a myriad of small stressors, but you are also likely to encounter major illness, trauma, and/or grief. Even things we might not see as a bad thing, like a job promotion, can change the dynamics in a relationship and cause tension. You need to be reasonably certain that the ups and downs you go through over a lifetime are things that you will face side by side.

We usually don’t question that security and support are in place until we find ourselves all alone, facing a pack of hungry wolves...but by then it’s too late. Before committing to someone, we should look for signs they will be there when you really need them. Maybe more importantly, signs that they won’t... Will they be standing beside you fighting the good fight when all hell breaks loose or will they be taking a nap?

Going through a crisis or tragedy can be eye opening. They say a crisis is where people show their true colours. It is hard to know if someone will be there for you when all you have experienced together is calm waters and smooth sailing. We need to feel safe and secure in our relationships, but sometimes this feeling is just an illusion. Look for small ways that you are being abandoned. Does he forget your birthday or claim he has not been told things when, in fact, he was not listening?

Carol Bruess Ph.D states, “According to surveys, some forty percent of people know the pain of being lonely in relationship...every lonely marriage has one thing in common: at least one spouse feels abandoned emotionally.”

Are they emotionally unavailable? Is that why they are abandoning you? People who are emotionally unavailable may have the best of intentions to commit to someone they love yet put up walls so that there is never any true emotionally intimacy. They may say and do the right things, but there is always some distance so you can never get really close to them.

When you feel abandoned in your relationship, it can lead down many pathways that aren’t healthy. Some will become clingy, some will stray, but whatever the way it manifests, there is a loss of stability. Rejection results in a lack of trust and eventually a loss of connection. I have mentioned the clue of failure before, the red flag people saw in early on that foretold that the relationship was doomed. Being abandoned in small ways may very well be such a sign – that maybe they really aren’t that into you and will run at the first sign of trouble or conflict. Perhaps they aren’t able to get really close to anyone because they unconsciously have put up such thick walls that nothing can penetrate.

Look to the family of your beloved for clues as to whether they will abandon you in small ways. Do they support each other? Do they support you? Have they had healthy relationships modelled? Were they abandoned as an infant and perhaps don’t understand what real connection is like? Were they in a committed relationship and were cheated on or dumped and have yet to heal?

On television shows, I see people under threat of attack walking through a dark forest side by side. What happens then is someone comes up behind them and gets the upper hand. In marriage, we envision walking off into the sunset side by side and living happily ever after. We would be far better walking through our life together back to back so we can see perils coming. As my daughter says, “Teamwork makes the dream work”.

Abandonment Worksheet

Ask these questions to determine if abandonment is happening in small ways:

1. Do they refuse to pick you up or drive you places?

2. Are they on time to pick you up?

3. Do they feel your time is less important than theirs?

4. Do they ask you about your earlier life?

5. Do they remember facts about your life?

6. Do they do things for you they committed to?

7. Do you need to frequently remind them of these?

8. When you say you have had a rough day, do they ask about it?

9. When you are sick, do they take care of you?

10. Do they remember how you take your coffee?

11. When there has been a death, do they bring you food or provide other support?

12. Do they ask favours, but never return them?

13. Do they borrow things and not return them?

14. Do they forget plans you make?

15. Are they there only in the good times?

16. Do they have a hard time fitting you into their schedule?

17. Do they talk about you behind your back?

18. Do you do all the pursuing?

19. Do they remember your birthday and other special days?

20. Are they critical of your looks or lifestyle choices?

21. Are they there for their friends and family?

22. Are they there for your family and friends?

23. Do they think your hobbies and interests are stupid?

24. After a hard day, do they know what to say and do to make you feel better?

25. Do you feel neglected?

26. Do you always do what they want to do?

27. Do you feel you are not being told what is going on in their life?

28. Do you feel you are not really listened to?

29. Do they never stop talking about themself?

30. Do you feel lifted up when you are down?

31. Are they available to listen when you need to talk?

32. Do they avoid you or get silent when you are fighting?

33. Does your partner express their love to you, either in words or deeds?

34. Do they make your life easier?

35. When they see you are busy, do they sit and watch TV and not offer assistance?

36. Do they have a string of unfulfilled promises?

37. Do they leave projects half done?

38. Do they hop from job to job?

39. Do their family and friends receive information before you?

40. Do you feel alone even when you are together?