Do You Have 'Triple A'?

“Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.” C. S. Lewis

While it may be a good idea to have a membership for roadside assistance, it is just as important – if not more so – to have relationship triple A: Attention, Affection, and Appreciation.

Attention: You probably are with your partner because of the amount of attention they focused on you when you first met. I have been in relationships, perhaps just because of the amount of attention the fellow paid to me. I am not suggesting you be a stalker, but people like attention.

It is easy when you are so wildly in love to pay lots of attention to your partner. It is exactly what this infatuation stage and its requisite hormones are about, bonding you to each other. The trick is that real life sets in after the honeymoon phase and the attention starts to get used for other things: a big project at work, the freezer needs to be defrosted, etc... We start to take our partner for granted as someone who will always be there. No more date nights, no more sweet notes on the bathroom mirror, no more holding their hand everywhere we go.

Attention doesn’t have to take a lot of time. We certainly waste enough time checking our email, social media updates, and watching television. Attention requires really listening. We develop the bad habit of listening to respond or only half paying attention. We focus our attention on what is important to us, so if it isn’t on your partner, it is easy to see why they feel unloved.

Affection: Babies in orphanages that are never hugged, cuddled, or touched stop growing and in extreme cases die. Virginia Satir, a therapist said, “We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” Hugs and touch has been shown to reduce stress, protect against illness, and reduce pain. Hugs of at least twenty seconds cause oxytocin to be released which enhances our bond. It is easy to understand, then, why showing our partner affection is important to not only maintain, but deepen our connection.

Women in long-term relationships often complain that every touch leads to sex, so they will avoid so much as hand holding because they aren’t in the mood for where it will lead. They want the affection, the hand holding, a kiss, a back rub, without the expectation they think it will entail. Affection, or non-sexual touch, needs to be a part of every couples’ day to day repertoire.

Appreciation: We all want to know when we’ve done a good job. It not only lets us know that we have done it right, but also makes us more likely to do it again. Like the other two, showing appreciation likely happened a lot while we were first together, but dwindles with time.

A website, hartcoachingacademy.com, states that appreciation is a huge driving factor for men in particular. “Opportunities that yield appreciation are where he will head first.” While I have no really hard information that men have a higher need for appreciation, if anyone, man or woman, is taken for granted they are more likely to find other outlets to fulfill their needs.

The need in relation to the three A’s may play a different role depending on your Love Language. Quality time is certainly going to require more actual time than receiving gifts, but all of the five require you to give thought and time to your partner. Those whose language is Words of Affirmation will need more appreciation than others, but make no mistake, we all need it.

None of these things has to require a lot of time. Let me give you five ideas that require less than a minute: Kissing your partner goodbye in the morning. Texting to say you are thinking about them. Saying they look really good. Telling them you appreciate how hard they work. Really listening when they talk.

Our relationship with our primary partner is likely the most important connection we will have in our adult life and yet we sometimes take it for granted. These should be as much of a daily ritual as brushing your teeth if you want a healthy relationship. If you find yourself in the weeds however, all you need to get back headed in the right direction is a little AAA.

Could You Be With Someone Who Identifies as Asexual?

Guest Post: C.J. Fitzpatrick

Everyone enters into a relationship – whether it be romantic, platonic, or otherwise – seeking to fill a need. When you apply for a job, you’re filling a need. When you make a friend, you’re filling a different need. And, most pertinent to this blog, when you seek out a romantic partner, you’re looking to fill, likely, many needs.

Sometimes this need is companionship, someone with which you can spend time to ease the sense of loneliness in one’s life. Sometimes, the need relates to one’s ticking biological clock. And, oftentimes, this need is largely physical...namely, sex.

We’re taught that this is normal, a need we’re hardwired to try to satisfy. Especially in the beginning of the relationship when everything is new and hormone-fuelled.

But a growing number of people – especially millenials and subsequent generations – identify with the umbrella term: Asexual. Simply put, it means someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction. (This is juxtaposed with someone who is aromantic, meaning they don’t experience romantic attraction. And yes, it is possible to be both.)

There are different labels that fall under the Asexual category, including, but not limited to: demisexual (someone who only experiences sexual attraction after a deep emotional connection has been formed) and grey ace (someone who very rarely experiences sexual attraction). It’s important not to confuse the term with celibacy which is when someone makes a conscious choice to abstain from sex, but may still experience sexual desires.

Just to be clear, just because someone doesn’t feel sexual attraction, doesn’t mean that they can’t – or won’t – have sex. Sexual action is different than sexual attraction and one doesn’t necessarily require the other. There are any number of reasons someone who identifies as ace may choose to have sex, such as to satisfy their partner or procreation.

On the other hand, an asexual person may identify with the term ‘sex repulsed’, in which case they’re unlikely to ever have sex, though they may still masturbate, depending on their personal attitudes and needs.

A 2016 survey querying people aged eighteen to thirty found that sixty-three percent identified with the label of female, eleven percent with the label of male, and twenty-six percent with neither identity. According to the Canadian psychologist Anthony Bogaert, “...women will be more likely than men to be asexual because they are, on average, less likely to have had conditioning experiences relevant to sexual orientation development.”

Loosely interpreted, Bogaert is saying that during prepubescence and puberty, those people who identify as men often experience both positive and negative reinforcement pertaining to their sexual identity. They may be rewarded when they show affection – or even outright sexual attraction – to the opposite gender and punished for the opposite.

We can suppose, based on this information, that in a relationship between a man who experiences sexual attraction and a woman who identifies as asexual, the male partner would be more likely to have a difficult time adjusting to the potential lack of physical intimacy than a female partner would if the situation were reversed.

If your partner identifies as asexual, there are a number of questions you should ask yourself:

1. How important is regular sex to me?

2. If I could never have sex with my partner, would I feel in some way short-changed?

3. Could my sexual needs be satisfied by masturbation alone? Is non-sexual intimacy enough?

i. Non-sexual intimacy can take on many forms – for more information, see the following worksheet.

ii. Non-sexual physical intimacy can include: holding hands, cuddling, kissing, hugging, massages, and more.

4. Would I feel the need to cheat if sex were not an option with my primary partner?

5. If my partner were only participating in sex to satisfy my needs, would I feel in some way guilty or as if I were pressuring them into sex?

Obviously, these are just a few of the questions to be asked and discussed with your partner.

As a final note, here are a few questions you can ask yourself if you’re suddenly wondering if you might be asexual:

1. How do I define sexual attraction? What does the concept mean to me?

2. Do I experience sexual attraction?

3. How do I feel about the concept of sex?

4. Do I feel the need to be interested in sex because it’s what’s expected of me?

5. Is sex important to me?

6. Do I see attractive people and feel the desire to have sex with them?

7. How do I enjoy showing affection? Does sex factor in?

What Does Intimacy Mean to Me - Worksheet

 In the space below, define what intimacy means to you:

In the space below, define what you think intimacy means to your partner:

On a scale of one to ten, rate the following forms of intimacy based on their importance to you in a romantic relationship:

1. Experiential Intimacy (bonding through leisure activities):

2. Emotional Intimacy (bonding through sharing feelings):

3. Intellectual Intimacy (bonding through sharing ideas and opinions):

4. Physical Intimacy (bonding through physical contact, often sex):

5. Spiritual Intimacy (bonding through sharing common values and beliefs):

6. Creative Intimacy (bonding through creating together):

7. Crisis Intimacy (bonding through shared experiences of pain and/or difficulty):

Of the above forms of intimacy, choose the three that you believe are essential to your relationship working:

1.

2.

3.

Of the above forms of intimacy, choose the three you believe your partner would think essential to your relationship working:

1.

2.

3.

What is the one form of intimacy that would be a dealbreaker for you if you couldn’t have it?