Do They Have Difficulty Apologizing?

“An apology means nothing if they don't stop doing what they are apologizing for. Believe action, not words.” Mandy Hale

You are going to screw something up in your relationship at some point. That is a fact. If we are honest with ourselves and have a healthy sense of self, we should be able to acknowledge we are wrong sometimes and, being human, we make mistakes. How you and your partner handle this is an important measure of how well things turn out for your relationship.

Some people have a hard time saying sorry. They may have been shamed or punished as a child when a mistake was made and now can’t accept responsibility. Dr. Guy Winch says, “Admissions of wrongdoing are incredibly threatening for non-apologists because they have trouble separating their actions from their character. If they did something bad, they must be bad people; open the door to shame.”

An inability to apologize may, however, just be due to their gender. Studies have shown that women apologize more than men. Women apologize as an expression of sympathy, but also in order to build and maintain relationships. Dr. Deborah Tannen helps us understand why men do so less often: “An apology is a move that frames the apologizer as one-down.” So, to apologize is a sign of weakness, fault, or vulnerability.

From personal experience, I know this gender difference in frequency to be true. I would say sorry to restore peace in the relationship even when I didn’t think I was wrong. On the other hand, I only heard sorry once in my marriage. Is it because he never screwed up? Far from it. Some say this is because men need to protect their fragile ego. Studies at the University of Waterloo, however, concluded that men have a higher threshold as to what actually requires an apology.

My concern here is not so much in this difference in how and why genders differ in the way an apology is issued. It is more in the misuse of the word sorry. Some say it, but don’t mean it or use it as a manipulation. I see criminals apologizing before sentencing and wonder what they are saying sorry for...because they got caught?

A true apology has four parts: the words, ‘I am sorry’, an acknowledgement of blame, a vow to not do this action again, and amends. I have heard it is easier to ask forgiveness then permission. This is a pattern that doesn’t have a place in a well-functioning relationship. If your partner is always coming to you asking for forgiveness, even with a genuine apology, are they really sorry if they do not change? You need to have trust in a relationship.

I, for most of my life, didn’t realize that many apologies I was given didn’t qualify as a true apology. When you tell someone you are sorry they feel that way, that is not an apology, you are telling them that what they feel is wrong or that their perception of the situation is. It puts the other person in a position of seniority, such that they get to judge how you feel. It kind of feels like an apology to the listener though, especially if the words sorry have never passed the speaker’s lips before. This is merely misdirection, sleight of hand, if you will.

A true apology never has the word but in it. Dr Phil states, “‘But’ is a powerful word, it means forget everything I just said, I’m now going to tell you what I really mean.” In an apology, it says I have a good reason why I did what I did or someone else is to blame. This is a backhanded apology that can placate a person into feeling like they have been apologized to, while sometimes turning the blame back onto the person that has been wronged. “I’m sorry but you made me so mad.”

These are not genuine apologies and we need to learn not to accept them.

‘I’m sorry’ is a complete sentence. As Erin from The Office says, “Buts are for pooping”.

Do You Understand That Men and Women Use Conversation Differently?

“The key to conversation at work is flexibility and understanding how what you say might be perceived by others.” Deborah Tannen

It is easy to slip into the role of assuming that everyone sees the world as we do. This was brought home to me at dinner one night when the family debated the colour of a school bus. This seemed to me very cut and dried before this day. Half saw the bus as orange, the other yellow. We argued throughout the meal and at the end it was not solved and no one had changed their minds.

Deborah Tannen, a linguist, states “...men and women have different assumptions about the place of talk in relationships.” She further points out there are gender differences in conversational style – that the sexes see the world differently and this is reflected in our conversations. We should start any interaction from the standpoint of trying to reach a meeting of the minds. To do this within a romantic couple, we need to first understand this sex difference in what language means to each of us and how we use it.

It is a widely used joke that women never shut up. We need to have the understanding that they are trying to make a connection and if they don’t feel that is happening, they will talk more. Women try to “...protect themselves from other's attempts to push them away.” For women, “...conversations are negotiations for closeness...confirmation and support...a struggle to preserve intimacy and avoid isolation.” Women ‘rapport’ talk.

Men value themselves by how much power and control they have. For them, conversation is “...negotiations in which people try to achieve and maintain the upper hand...and protect themselves from others’ attempts to put them down and push them around...a contest, a struggle to preserve independence and avoid failure.” Men 'report’ talk.

In a relationship, when I reminded my male partner that a job needed to be done, it immediately provoked anger. Since males see conversation as a power struggle, he saw this reminder as me bossing him around. Were he to immediately do it, that would mean, in his mind, I was in charge. Somehow him leaving windows only partially installed for three years was no reason for me to remind him and I was a nag.

“That women have been labelled ‘nags’ may result from the interplay of men’s and women’s styles, whereby many women are inclined to do what is asked of them and many men are inclined to resist even the slightest hint that anyone, especially a woman, is telling them what to do. A woman will be inclined to repeat a request that doesn’t get a response because she is convinced that her husband would do what she asks, if he only understood that she really wants him to do it. But a man who wants to avoid feeling that he is following orders may instinctively wait before doing what she asked, in order to imagine that he is doing it of his own free will. Nagging is the result, because each time she repeats the request, he again puts off fulfilling it.”

Tannen's book, You Just Don't Understand, offers helpful insight into the baffling world of man-speak/woman-speak. Things like male to male conversation often takes place when something else is going on. Usually while not facing one another, like watching the game or fixing the car. It may be overwhelming to ask a man to share his feelings with you while face to face sitting alone at the kitchen table. Men often complain women's style is bossy, as in the use of 'let’s', which is used as a suggestion and a way of building community. Author Barbara De Angelis, states, “Men often misinterpret our suggestions, advice and feedback as attack and criticism.”

Conversations that were once baffling and hurtful begin to make sense. “...Understanding genderlects improves relationships.” Though we are unlikely to change, and maybe should not, the other’s conversational style, having insight into the way that the mind of the other and the intent behind their words will lead to less conflict.

What should be our take away here? Not that we should accept this, say ‘that’s how men/women are.’ Rather we need to understand where each is coming from and have an open discussion. The man needs to put aside his ego and take out the trash if this is a task he has taken responsibility for and if he has missed trash pick up day, he needs to own this. Next week he should not need reminding and his wife will not need to feel like a nag. Women need to understand that sometimes continuing to talk when they believe men are not listening (as they don’t always display listening cues: head nods, etc.) may have the opposite effect intended.

We need to talk so we are heard. I am not talking volume, but having the other person receive and understand the intended information.