“Delayed gratification is a sweet lesson whose teacher knows the best is not right now, it is yet to be.” Maximillian Degenerez
Walter Mischel, in 1972, conducted a study at Stanford, advising a group of children that they would get a treat. They could either have one treat that was sitting in front of them right away or two if they waited until the researcher returned. The children who were able to wait to gain a greater reward were the ones able to delay gratification. This “...determines the patience and control of a child. These two characteristics are essential in a child upon growing up to develop core moral values like being honest, kind, trustworthy, and responsible.”
People who have mastered delayed gratification have traits like patience, self control, discernment, and long-term thinking. People with these qualities were shown to be more likely to have long-term satisfying marriages.
While Mischel labelled this as delayed gratification, I would state this ability was also a measure of impulse control. How able are you to manage the urge to tell your boss to screw himself after he has told you your work has to be redone or not eat that piece of cake when you know your cholesterol is too high?
Poor impulse control is an inability or struggle against the pull of a powerful urge to engage in an activity that is illegal, immoral, unhealthy, or otherwise detrimental to oneself or those we care about. We all act rashly sometimes, but this is problematic when there is a pattern of frequently acting suddenly without thought into the detrimental consequences that will result.
When one’s partner lacks the ability to think through how their actions will effect your life together, you may find yourself cleaning up after them. One couple, while trying to rent an apartment, had one partner show up unexpectedly with a puppy belonging to a large breed. It is difficult enough to find an apartment willing to take a small dog, let alone a large one. After struggling to find a place to take them, the partner then came home with a second dog. People with impulse control issues want what they want when they want it.
A person once told me what he was looking for in a relationship: someone who would help him make good decisions as the poor ones he was currently making were costing him a lot. At least he was aware...
Do you love this person enough that you will monitor all their actions or put them on an allowance and generally treat them like a child? It can be exhausting to be the only grown up in a relationship. It is hard to develop trust and feel safe in these relationships. You never know what terrible surprise waits around the corner. While having to be the responsible one can tiring, having an impulsive partner can have devastating effects on your future. If they jump from job to job or money burns a hole in their pocket, will you find yourself deep in debt or without retirement savings? Can you handle all the household bills on your income alone if this were your reality?
Being in a relationship with someone with impulse control issues is like waiting for a disaster to happen. Will they sell your car for some magic beans? Will they start an affair with a fresh faced co-worker and leave you with four kids to support? Will their impulsive behaviour cause them to end up in jail? While these examples are at the extreme end of the spectrum, we need to look for signs that are less subtle. Do they just have to have the latest version of the phone as soon as it comes out? Do they carry a lot of debt on credit cards?
Impulse control disorder can be treated with therapy and, some subsets, with medication. Still, is this something you would stay through?