What Matters to Your Partner?

What is their currency?

“Tell me what you pay attention to and I will tell you who you are.” José Ortega y Gasset

Early in a relationship, we can’t get enough time together. Spending time apart feels like torture and there are frequent texts, phone calls, notes left on each other's cars, and the like. It is easy to slip into the mindset that you are their top priority and always will be. Ask anyone who is in a long-term relationship and they will tell you real life sets in and this obsession cools. After the fierce desire for togetherness during a new relationship, it is easy to feel unloved when day to day responsibilities interfere. It is better to know from the beginning what matters to this person so you have an idea what life will look like after the honeymoon phase.

Rick Warren in his book The Purpose Driven Life states that "...the best expression of love is time... If you want to know a person's priorities, just look at how they spend their time." The importance of someone or something can be measured by how much time we are willing to invest. This is their currency. It may be status, career, or even money. Dr. Phil says we need to “...pay attention to how he treats what he values.” Also, observe if he shares what he values with you. If he values family, but doesn’t introduce you to them, are you really important?

In a marriage, we want to believe we should be our beloved’s first priority. Were life a romance movie, we would set off on a moonlit walk and the credits would say, “And they lived happily ever after.” Real life comes with financial pressure, chores, obligations, and strife. The fairy tales of old did not address these. Cinderella did not have a car accident and Prince Charming did not have to put in overtime to get a promotion. It is a juggling act to meet our daily obligations with our need to let our loved one know we continue to value them. It is easy to feel lonely and undervalued when we are no longer the focus of what limited free time we have once the 'must haves’ of mortgage and groceries have been met.

What is their passion? What was their dream job as a child? What is on their bucket list? This will give you an idea of their passions. The book The Passion Test provides a window into this question, but barring that, ask questions that will assist you in ascertaining what is valued. What do they talk about a lot? What do they get excited about? What activity do they devote a lot of time to? Can you not call them on Saturday night when hockey is on? Does she book spa days when you would like her to join you for family activities? How will this play out over a lifetime?

It is a great idea to understand how your individual styles will blend in order to understand if your journey as a couple will be smooth sailing or choppy waters. If one is devoted to career and another family this will lead to conflict. If he is passionate about cars and rebuilding them every spare moment, how will you handle that? If she insists she talk every night for several hours to her best friend, but you want together time will you feel shortchanged? While we do not need to do everything together, trying to understand and appreciate what they love and maybe sometimes share in these interests shows a loving spirit.

When one has an outside passion that seems to take too much time away from (at least in the other's eyes) couple time, we need to find a way to navigate this. Can we find a way to include them, can we cut back on this activity, can the other find some way to spend their free time? How will you handle this?

Warren contends a person's decision to spend time with you is important, as time is finite in quantity. He calls it ‘your most precious gift’. "When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you will never get back." Similar to this, a friend gave me flowers and stated that flowers show how much someone cares as they are something that has a finite benefit, you are worth something that will die shortly and serve no benefit like food might.

Men don't understand this, Warren suggests. Women seem to naturally take care of everyone's needs, to make sure everyone is happy and have what they need. He hears men express exasperation that they work hard to provide money and luxuries, but it never seems enough. What matters is how much we give of ourself. People want to know they matter enough that you will stop and listen, lend a hand, not merely something else that needs to be squeezed into their schedule.

We need to, over the course of our relationship, ensure that we carve out time for nurturing our bond. Warren asks us to question our self, “Honestly, are relationships my first priority?"

Are You the Ant or the Grasshopper? The Hare or the Tortoise?

Are you the ant or the grasshopper? The hare or the tortoise? How will these archetypes mesh in your relationship?

Aesop’s fables were stories designed to teach morals to young children. The ant is portrayed as hard working and storing away supplies so he could get through a cold winter. The grasshopper who has spent the summer playing, comes to the ant wondering how he will survive now that winter has set in and he has done nothing to prepare. In its Grimm’s original version we can only assume the grasshopper comes to a poor end. In brighter, newer additions, the ant shows charity.

These are people who personify these fairy tale characters. The grasshopper is the person for whom money burns a hole in their pocket, who does not plan for tomorrow as they are just having too much fun living in the moment. These people, if they do not mend their ways, end up at retirement wondering why no one told them this day would come as they find themselves on the street.

The ant in contrast is careful with their money. People would describe them as hard workers, driven, prepared. They will save up money to buy a car rather then get a loan. They save for retirement and probably have a purse or car filled with items in case of an emergency. These characteristics exist on a continuum with some people falling somewhere in the middle, but more likely, people fall somewhat on one side or the other.

The characters displayed in this fable go beyond a discussion of finances. These characters could be seen in a couple where one works nine to five, getting a regular pay cheque and that makes them feel secure. The other may freelance as an artist, barely able to pay the bills, but loving what they do.

You may even see this in parenting style: one parent who makes sure the children have their homework done, a nutritious lunch, and get to bed at a regular hour. The other gets on the floor and wrestles with the kids, lets them stay up to watch a movie, and lets the children binge on chips and cookies.

Dating a grasshopper may be fun for an ant – a wild adventure. But you always need to ask: what will life look like down the road? It may not look so fun when the grasshopper spends his pay cheque on a new sound system for his car and the water bill goes unpaid. When the responsibility weighs heavily on your ant shoulders because the grasshopper has said she’ll get to it after she is done with her video game, but she never is. Will it feel like you are a single parent when your partner is always spending weekends playing sports? A grasshopper may be drawn to an ant as someone who has their life together, but down the road find them boring and uninspiring. The ant may not look so cool when she takes your pay cheque and puts you on an allowance.

I dated a grasshopper that I came to realize had only reentered the dating scene because he needed money. He could not afford his rent and was having to consider selling some of the toys he had purchased. Clearly, grasshoppers are not planners. My theory based on the grasshoppers I know is that grasshoppers look outside themselves for a solution, as did the grasshopper in the fable. The grasshopper I dated could have moved to a smaller place or taken a second job on the weekends. He did not want a second job because, in true grasshopper fashion, he liked to play on the weekends.

A relationship between an ant and a grasshopper could work as long as they were aware of their differing styles. It may mean having separate bank accounts and you would certainly not want to leave the grasshopper solely in charge of paying the bills. Letting the grasshopper, though, be in charge of the vacation would pull the ant out of their routine and probably be a lot of fun.

The hare and the tortoise is a very well known and often referenced fable with its ‘slow but steady wins the race’ moral. In life, there are those that move through it at high speed. In a rush to complete tasks and get to where they are going fast. Then there are those who set out a plan, make lists, and then take action methodically.

The hare may get things done quickly, sometimes without the careful checking that may mean errors are made. The e-transfer is in the wrong amount, leaving the baking powder out of the cake, the pile of speeding tickets they amass. Mistakes they may consider just the cost of getting things done, the ends justifying the means.

The turtle may check that the stove is off and all the lights are off (twice) and may be perpetually late as they are so cautious. Then, too, there are people that are turtles that just do things slowly and no prompts to speed things up will hasten their progress. Turtle behaviour can also mean that nothing ever happens as they are perpetually in planning mode, researching and measuring until they are afraid to decide, and nothing ends up happening.

It is clear that a couple with these traits will butt heads, each will feel uncomfortable at the other’s speed. Compromise will have to be the theme of a marriage between the hare and the turtle. The turtle will have two days to research printers, give their top three picks to the hare, and let them decide. The hare will not be in charge of baking the cake for a special event, but will shop for the food. Within any partnership we should play to out strengths and that can can ensure we cross the finishing line together.