Are You the Ant or the Grasshopper? The Hare or the Tortoise?

Are you the ant or the grasshopper? The hare or the tortoise? How will these archetypes mesh in your relationship?

Aesop’s fables were stories designed to teach morals to young children. The ant is portrayed as hard working and storing away supplies so he could get through a cold winter. The grasshopper who has spent the summer playing, comes to the ant wondering how he will survive now that winter has set in and he has done nothing to prepare. In its Grimm’s original version we can only assume the grasshopper comes to a poor end. In brighter, newer additions, the ant shows charity.

These are people who personify these fairy tale characters. The grasshopper is the person for whom money burns a hole in their pocket, who does not plan for tomorrow as they are just having too much fun living in the moment. These people, if they do not mend their ways, end up at retirement wondering why no one told them this day would come as they find themselves on the street.

The ant in contrast is careful with their money. People would describe them as hard workers, driven, prepared. They will save up money to buy a car rather then get a loan. They save for retirement and probably have a purse or car filled with items in case of an emergency. These characteristics exist on a continuum with some people falling somewhere in the middle, but more likely, people fall somewhat on one side or the other.

The characters displayed in this fable go beyond a discussion of finances. These characters could be seen in a couple where one works nine to five, getting a regular pay cheque and that makes them feel secure. The other may freelance as an artist, barely able to pay the bills, but loving what they do.

You may even see this in parenting style: one parent who makes sure the children have their homework done, a nutritious lunch, and get to bed at a regular hour. The other gets on the floor and wrestles with the kids, lets them stay up to watch a movie, and lets the children binge on chips and cookies.

Dating a grasshopper may be fun for an ant – a wild adventure. But you always need to ask: what will life look like down the road? It may not look so fun when the grasshopper spends his pay cheque on a new sound system for his car and the water bill goes unpaid. When the responsibility weighs heavily on your ant shoulders because the grasshopper has said she’ll get to it after she is done with her video game, but she never is. Will it feel like you are a single parent when your partner is always spending weekends playing sports? A grasshopper may be drawn to an ant as someone who has their life together, but down the road find them boring and uninspiring. The ant may not look so cool when she takes your pay cheque and puts you on an allowance.

I dated a grasshopper that I came to realize had only reentered the dating scene because he needed money. He could not afford his rent and was having to consider selling some of the toys he had purchased. Clearly, grasshoppers are not planners. My theory based on the grasshoppers I know is that grasshoppers look outside themselves for a solution, as did the grasshopper in the fable. The grasshopper I dated could have moved to a smaller place or taken a second job on the weekends. He did not want a second job because, in true grasshopper fashion, he liked to play on the weekends.

A relationship between an ant and a grasshopper could work as long as they were aware of their differing styles. It may mean having separate bank accounts and you would certainly not want to leave the grasshopper solely in charge of paying the bills. Letting the grasshopper, though, be in charge of the vacation would pull the ant out of their routine and probably be a lot of fun.

The hare and the tortoise is a very well known and often referenced fable with its ‘slow but steady wins the race’ moral. In life, there are those that move through it at high speed. In a rush to complete tasks and get to where they are going fast. Then there are those who set out a plan, make lists, and then take action methodically.

The hare may get things done quickly, sometimes without the careful checking that may mean errors are made. The e-transfer is in the wrong amount, leaving the baking powder out of the cake, the pile of speeding tickets they amass. Mistakes they may consider just the cost of getting things done, the ends justifying the means.

The turtle may check that the stove is off and all the lights are off (twice) and may be perpetually late as they are so cautious. Then, too, there are people that are turtles that just do things slowly and no prompts to speed things up will hasten their progress. Turtle behaviour can also mean that nothing ever happens as they are perpetually in planning mode, researching and measuring until they are afraid to decide, and nothing ends up happening.

It is clear that a couple with these traits will butt heads, each will feel uncomfortable at the other’s speed. Compromise will have to be the theme of a marriage between the hare and the turtle. The turtle will have two days to research printers, give their top three picks to the hare, and let them decide. The hare will not be in charge of baking the cake for a special event, but will shop for the food. Within any partnership we should play to out strengths and that can can ensure we cross the finishing line together.

What Are Your Long-Term Financial Goals?

“If you aim at nothing, you will hit it every time.” Zig Ziglar

It has been shown that talking about money is uncomfortable and because of this, couples will keep their financial picture under wraps longer than they should. Watch enough reality television and you will see couples shopping for engagement rings before they explore what financial goals they each have and how they plan to achieve them. It isn’t surprising that couples marry without knowing what their spending versus saving style is, how much debt they carry, let alone what they want for their financial future.

As a couple, you should explore what your long-term financial goals are and look at what you will need to do in order to bring them to fruition. Gail Vaz Oxlade – financial writer – advises couples, "Have conversations about what it is you're trying to achieve. Don't just assume you both want to buy a house, and even if you say you want to buy a house, do you want to buy the same kind of house? You have to have the conversations and you can't just assume that the other person is on track with you if you don't ask the question."

Take this example of buying a home... It’s a great financial goal to have, but are you really prepared? People buy a house and get underwater because they forgot about taxes, condo fees, or closing costs. The cost for heat is too high or the roof needs a repair. In addition to being prepared to meet such goals, it’s important to know whether your partner shares the same dream.

Do you want to own a house? Is it doable in the area you are currently living? Can you afford it on your own or will you need a co-signer? At your present salary, how long will it take to save for a down payment?

Do you want children? Do you know the cost to raise a child is more than two hundred thousand dollars? Will one of you stay home instead of working to cut on childcare costs? Does one or both of you want the best of everything for your children, including private school?

Do you want a vacation property? A boat? A yearly tropical vacation?

Don’t forget retirement. It may seem so very far away when you are young, but it’s never too soon to plan. Do you want to retire at fifty-five?

What about funeral expenses? Are you planning ahead for things like this? The average funeral in Canada costs between five and ten thousand dollars! Do you want to leave an inheritance for any children you may have?

In addition to the needs of life, what are your dreams? Have you always wanted a horse? Does your partner want to visit France? You might think not all goals are financial goals, but often they are. You want to get a pilot’s license? How are you going to pay for it? You want to spend the night in a European castle? How will you pay for your flight there? All the bucket list items we have likely have a price tag attached.

All this requires planning. It may even be wise to sit down with a financial planner and obtain a second opinion on whether your goals are achievable at your current income levels and get some advice as to how you can best work towards them.

Once you agree on what your goals are as a couple, set down a plan on how you will achieve them. Not all of us are great at handling finances. Both parties should know what is going on in this regard, but based on money managing skills, one may be the better choice to hold the reins. And even if you’re taking equal roles in money managing, it’s important to ensure you’re on the same page, so bills aren’t being paid twice – or not at all – because of miscommunication.

Have You Talked About Money?

"Money may not be the most important thing in your life, but it affects everything that is important." - The Rich Dad Company

If you see trouble coming down the road, would you not want to head it off before it gets to you? When a hurricane is headed your way, you board up the windows and stock up on food. This is only good sense. So, why then do most dating couples delay or avoid talking finances? Money issues are the number one cause of fights in a marriage and is commonly reported to be an important reason leading to divorce.

It was told to me growing up that you do not discuss politics, religion, or finances. Talking about money is uncomfortable, it seems to rank right up there with talking about our bodily functions. When you meet someone and they ask about your wealth at the first meeting they would be labelled rude or snoopy. Anthropologist Kimberly Chong states that, "...asking someone what they earn is considered taboo because you are indirectly questioning their personal worth.”

In first world countries, we tend to assign value to people based on attributes such as wealth, status, education, and looks. It is easy to see why people may not be forthcoming about their financial picture. They do not want to be judged to be unworthy. It is understandable why you would not let a friend see all the details of your net worth, yet it is asking for trouble to not do so before entering marriage.

Wells Fargo reported that close to fifty percent of Americans rate personal finances as more challenging to discuss with others then topics such as religion, politics, and death. Similarly Merrill Edge, a division of Merrill Lynch, found that people in significant relationships avoided sharing a clear picture of their financial viability. They postponed this topic until after hitting most major relationship milestones such as being intimate and meeting the parents. Time Magazine cites as many as forty percent of couples marry without discussing first how they will manage money.

Knowing how much debt a person has coming into the marriage is not only important because it is now a joint debt, but it can also make getting a mortgage harder. It seems, though, that debt is one of the hardest areas of finances for us to reveal – sixty percent of people say they did not talk about this with their partner, Merrill Edge found.

An ironic twist to this tendency, most people are more interested in the financial stability of a long term partner than in love. Yet, while most people were interested in the financial resources of their future partner, they held their own cards in this area close to their chest. Before you consider forever together you need to have the talk. The money talk and bare it all, you need to come clear on your relationship to money – that is revealed through salary, spending, savings, and investment and debt. The stupidest thing you’ve done with money and the smartest.

Money is a necessary evil in our world and is an indicator of the stability in our life and in our future. As many people found out during the COVID-19 pandemic, some of us are only a couple paychecks away from ruin. If you do not have to stress every month about what bill can go unpaid or save up just to buy a loaf of bread, life can be pretty sweet. The Rich Dad Company asserts that talking about money and our relationship to it should begin at the start of a relationship and that it is not necessary to find someone who has wealth, but someone who has the same 'financial alignment' as you. It is less about what you have than what you do with it.

Gail Vaz Oxlade host of the show Til Debt Do Us Part, helped couples in financial crisis come up with a plan on how to get out of the red. Some only a few years into marriage were already deeply entrenched in debt. Sadly, too many had not been taught money management and this spawned a spin-off show, Money Morons. She found that even within a relationship, people are not always honest on how money is spent, hiding purchases, bills, and credit cards.

Having a financial conversation before you marry, though very unromantic, will help down the road if you have a clear picture of the debits and credits and how they view money. Money means different things to people. It is important to understand the true value your beloved puts on it. A person’s relationship with money is a window into their personality. Whether you view money as a God or a means to an end, it is a fact of life and a tool to be used. Are your styles complimentary? Prepare a budget and make a plan for the future you want and how you will save to achieve your dreams. People don't plan to fail, they fail to plan.

Having the aforementioned conversations and preparing a budget can be done in conjunction with goal-setting and should be viewed as a means to make your dreams happen. Vaz Oxlade asserts that,"You can get everything you want. All you need is a plan. And how do you spell plan? B-U-D-G-E-T!....if you’re planning to mate and you haven’t sat down to talk about your money, you’re a fool, plain and simple.”