Do They Use Phrases Like 'if you love me you will...'?

“Don’t resort to blackmail or manipulation to get your way in your marriage. They both undermine love and trust.” Kemmy Nola

Everyone has times when they really want their way. We are all, at heart, just trying to fill our own needs...unless perhaps you are Mother Teresa. During infancy, all we know is what we want and will cry until we get it. As we age, we learn that we have to fit into the structure set up by our tribe. In childhood and beyond, we learn that we can’t get away with eating all the chocolate chip cookies or walking around outside naked. We learn there are rules as to what is acceptable in society and how we need to fit in with our family, friends, and co-workers.

If you have ever met an only child that has never been told no or had to deal with losing a game you have a prime candidate for someone who will struggle with school, work, and relationships. They may struggle with the concept of compromise, sharing, and being a graceful loser. To have a balanced and healthy relationship, we need to have a handle on these abilities. We should both have an equal say and be able sometimes to pick which movie we watch or where we go on vacation.

Sometimes people are so desperate to have power, hold onto something, or get their own way that they will try anything to keep it within their grasp. If someone were to physically torture another to get their way, we could clearly see this as wrong, but it is also possible to emotionally torture someone. Dr. Susan Forward defines this behaviour as, “When the people in your life use fear, obligation, and guilt to manipulate you.” She coined the term ‘Emotional Blackmail’. The phrase, ‘If you love me you will...’ is the perfect example. If you don’t do what they ask, your very love is called into doubt. In much the same way a toddler knows he can get candy at the store if he screams and creates a scene, blackmailers are charming toddlers using sophisticated methods to get their candy.

Emotional blackmail comes in more than one form. There is the tantalizer: You will really like it. The smooth talker that will wear you down with words and even make it seem like their demands are reasonable. The brow beater will demean you and make you feel selfish. The punisher can use both physical and/or emotional means. They may stop doing something nice like buying your favourite cereal or withhold love, sex, etc. The victim uses guilt as a weapon, “after all I did...”. Self-punishers put their own safety at risk. Let’s call these what they are: abuse.

No emotional blackmail is healthy, but it is especially unhealthy if the blackmailer puts themselves before good opportunities like a job or schooling. I have heard of people that turn down scholarships to a good school just because it that would take them away from a romantic partner. If a love is true, it will last through this time. You should want the best for each other.

When we love someone deeply, we might feel we would do anything for that love. That should not mean the other person always gets their way. No matter how deeply you love someone, there needs to be a balance in the relationship. It can be a guy you are dating that tells you you must perform a sexual act to prove your love or the woman that tells you you must marry her since you knocked her up. If they have to wheedle or spin a story or question your commitment to get the answer they want, it is not coming from a place of free will. A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.

What might an early sign of emotional blackmail be?

I bought dinner so you owe me...

It can be subtle, ‘you don’t really want to do that’.

If you don’t come over maybe someone else will.

A guy’s got needs.

Everyone agrees you’re wrong.

If you move away, I’ll date someone else.

You’re destroying this relationship.

I’m nothing without you.

If someone is using the threat of harm to you or themselves, you need to get help. This is too big and serious to handle on your own. This is very unhealthy and can lead to serious harm or death. You may think that if they threaten to harm themselves it is just bluster. It isn’t always, take it seriously. It’s not a sign of how deeply they love you that they would rather die then be with you. Look how Romeo and Juliet turned out. If the threat of harm happens while you are dating, consider this a deal breaker.

When you are young and the threat of harm comes up this is way too much to deal with on your own, immediately reach out to your support system. There are crisis hotlines you can call if you don’t feel you have someone to turn to. Take it seriously and act immediately.

Are There Dealbreakers?

This question really involves asking something of yourself first. What are your boundaries? How do you not just expect, but demand to be treated? Do you love yourself enough that you feel you deserve to be treated well? We should all have lines in the sand that indicate we feel we are worthy enough to be treated well. Boundaries are healthy and we need to have strong ones.

We are often clear about the things we want in a romantic partner: good looking, nice, sense of humor, strong, fun... We often also know what we don't want, but may not have strong boundaries about what is completely and utterly unacceptable. What do you consider a deal breaker in a relationship?

Jonason et al. (2015) in their study of relationship deal breakers, found that things such as slovenly appearance, lack of sense of humor, neediness, and low sex drive were typical of the type of traits that people listed as making a relationship a no go. For me, things of this nature would rate as undesirable, but not things that would make me walk away, especially if it was someone I loved.

As there exists no one that is perfect, relationships are a balancing act. You look at the other person and measure what you value, what you can live with, and what is unappealing to you. In order for the partnering to continue, there should be more things on the positive side or greater importance given to the items in the pro column. What I speak of here as deal breakers, though, is not attributes being off-putting, but rather unacceptable. Being unkempt may be disagreeable, but being punched is flat out wrong and criminal.

Deal breakers, as I define them here, are situations and behaviors that we will not or should not tolerate in our life and in our relationships. Dr. Phil speaks of the three As; abuse, adultery, and addiction. They can, however, be anything that you feel is significantly detrimental and do not want close to hearth and home: prison time, chronic unemployment, a history of STDs, domestic abuse charges, fire starting... These are different then the qualities we would like – rich, handy, intelligence... These are things that will send us running for the door the minute we are aware of them and lock and bar the door.

I think we can all agree that abuse is something that does not have a place, not just in marriage, but anywhere. From a young age, I was told I should not put up with being hit and I spelled that out in all my relationships. Lay a hand on me and we are over, forever. I meant it and never was I with anyone who did. While I was clear that being hit was abuse, I did not grow up with a sense of mental abuse – behaviors designed to control, isolate, manipulate, or frighten. It was not talked about then, but thankfully there is a greater dialogue these days about emotional mistreatment. Unfortunately, this type of abuse may be a little more difficult to quantify, both for yourself and your partner. Even so, it does not have a place in a marriage.

When most think of addiction we think of drugs or alcohol, whose use, once out of control, can put a strain on the functioning of day to day life. Some people successfully overcome these demons, but if there is no attempt to deal with these issues, a happy relationship may be impossible. Do not underestimate the impact of other addictions such as gambling, shopping, overeating, sex, gaming, internet, plastic surgery, or risky behavior. Often addictions are a sign of poor impulse control. Further, while someone may not have an addiction per se, one may have an addictive personality: where one becomes obsessed with an idea or activity to the detriment of other aspects of their life and this is also a quality to be concerned about.

There is something known as an open marriage, wherein it is agreed that the couple will not be monogamous. Though this was once proclaimed as revolutionizing marriage, studies suggest these end in divorce more then ninety percent of the time. This is the situation when both parties are in agreement, so when one person is doing it surreptitiously it is easy to imagine the harm it can cause. This is a betrayal plain and simple. Daphne Kingma states that, "sex is a very binding component of any relationship...it generally does have a divisive and corrosive effect when we dilute our commitment outside of our primary relationship.” Typical marriage vows contain the words 'forsaking all others' so most people equate marriage with monogamy. Kingma goes on to state that when someone goes outside their marriage repeatedly, this should indicate a basic incompatibility.

Have deal breakers been part of this person’s past? Sometimes we fall in love with a person who has had deal breakers in their past. They were once addicts, but have been clean and sober for years. People who have restraining orders against them for domestic violence, but have vowed they changed. I believe change is possible, but as Dr. Phil says, “The best predictor of future results, is past behavior.” Do you believe they have really changed or will you just keep your fingers crossed?

I think that an important talk a couple should have before they get really serious is what each of them considers a line the other should not cross. Make it clear if you are a person that does not give second chances. The media is full of stories of women who stay in abusive relationships due to men who vow to change and a sense of powerlessness these women have. So, too, the news is filled with stories of spouses that kill each other. You can love someone deeply, but if they do not show you respect and care enough to make the health of the relationship of utmost importance you need to put yourself in a situation where you will be safe and happy. Know where you stand, let the other person know, and stand your ground.

While all of this makes sense in a logical way, we may see something that we want or need more within our relationship. Perhaps a childhood spent in poverty may lead us to choose to be with someone who passes out drunk every night if it means we do not have to struggle to keep a roof over our heads. This has been called social exchange theory. While I would never counsel someone to enter a relationship where they see a deal breaker, knowing your boundaries means at the very least your eyes are open.