Do You Place More Importance on Time or Money?

“The biggest difference between money and time is that you always know how much money you have, but you never know how much time you have.” Unknown

My high school teacher, Mr. Thompson, asked this question of every graduating class he taught. All the kids in my class he queried before me answered money, giving a variety of reasons. I answered time. I reasoned that this was the end of our childhood. The last time I would see a lot of these classmates. We were expected to go off to university or get a job and begin to wear the cloak of adulthood. The teacher stated that I was a rarity. People always answered money.

It turns out this has been proven. Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania and UCLA found that a majority of people studied, sixty-four percent, in fact, rated money as more valuable than time. Money is a funny thing: we all want it, we all need it, and we spend most of our good years chasing it. For some, it is a god that they would step over their own mother to get. For others, it is just a necessary evil.

Perhaps it is the way television and the media glamorize wealth and fill our heads full of wants. Maybe it is that money is tangible and time isn’t. At times it flies and others drags on. When you are young, it feels like you have all the time in the world. You do until you don’t. Watch a person going through a midlife crisis and you see the panic... ‘Why didn’t I do these things when I had the chance?’

In your relationship, there are going to be many big and small ways in which you choose time versus money. Job opportunities that mean travel. Spending money on things you don’t need, but want. As a couple, you are going to have to find a balance between obtaining money to survive and carving out time to keep your love for each other alive.

If you are both on the same page in what you value most, you may very well have harmony in this regard. If you are someone who values time, living with someone who values money and status, you may find yourself alone as they work long hours to get ahead.

It is easy to get caught up in the hamster wheel of going to work, coming home tired, grumbling through making supper, and then doing it all again the next day. We get behind at work and put in overtime. Meanwhile, we are not nurturing the bonds with those we love. If you make the choice of money over time, it will impact all your relationships.

Sometimes it is when a crisis rocks our world that we reevaluate this question. Ask the parent who has lost a young child and they will tell you they would give up every last cent to spend one more day with them. We often do not know the value of what we have until we have lost it.

Men define themselves by their career, so it is not necessarily that they value money more, but it seems to boil down to the same thing. They focus on climbing the corporate ladder, even if that means relationships come secondary.

I know a man that spent his life working hard, focused on career over family. He even stated he knew he was not much of a father and a grandfather but didn’t care. Guess what? He’s old now and laments that these same children and grandchildren do not visit him. In the moment his work was his world, but remember at some point, we retire...

“Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them – work, family, health, friends and spirit – and you're keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls – family, health, friends and spirit – are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life." Bryan Dyson

We seem to forget that time is finite. We only have so many years in this life. Once spent you can never get them back. On your deathbed will you regret that you did not spend more time at the office? Probably not. The above mentioned researchers found those that valued time led happier lives.

Make each minute count.

Does Your Relationship Have the Nine Traits of Fellowship?

“Unfortunately, many people grow up in families with unhealthy relationships, so they lack the relational skills needed for real fellowship.” Rick Warren

At a difficult time in my life, I read The Purpose Driven Life, seeking solace. One part of the book struck me as being not just how we should approach our fellow man, but traits needed in any healthy, happy, and supportive marriage. Warren states the nine traits are: Authenticity, Mutuality, Sympathy, Mercy, Honesty, Humility, Courtesy, Confidentiality, and Frequency. I have taken much of the information in this post from his book The Purpose Driven Life.

• Authenticity: “We share our true feelings.”

  • When we marry, we should know who our partner is – the good, the bad, and the ugly. We should have looked at them without rose-coloured glasses to get an idea if they are a good match for us. So too, we should have been completely open with our partner about who we are. Too often, partners run into trouble when they stop being honest about what they think and feel, so they have no chance of working to resolve issues.

• Mutuality: “We encourage each other.”

  • The wants, needs, and dreams of our partner should be something we are aware of and support them in achieving. We should want the best for each other and our partnership. Cooperation and collaboration are necessary skills we should bring into our relationships.

• Sympathy: “We support each other.”

  • Our home and family should be a soft and safe place for us to land. When we are hurt, scared, or weary, we need our tribe to help us, heal us, and protect us. More than any other person, we expect this from our spouse. To truly have a deep connection, we need to have empathy to understand what the other feels and needs.

• Mercy: “We forgive each other.”

  • We are going to mess up. This should be included in the saying, ‘there are only two things certain in life: death and taxes’. When we do and we have apologized and made meaningful amends, we should be forgiven. In relationships, when we have to pay over and over for a mistake for which we have sincerely taken steps to overcome, it creates distance.

• Honesty: “We speak the truth in love.”

  • It is hard to have trust in a situation where we don’t have a clear picture of what is occurring. In order to feel safe in our relationship, we need to know our partner is sharing all vital information with us and is not lying, cheating, or blurring the truth. “Most people have no one in their lives who loves them enough to tell them the truth (even when it’s painful), so they continue in self-destructive ways.”

• Humility: “Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.”

  • A team functions not by each player thinking of themselves, but in working together as a unit. They have a common goal and make a plan on achieving that for the betterment of all. A good relationship is the same: we have a common purpose and dreams and will give and take to get there. In a relationship, it may mean we don’t always get our way, but do often enough.

• Courtesy: “We respect our differences.”

  • We are often more polite to strangers than our partners. We show more grace and understanding of people we aren’t close to. Treating our partner with not just civility, but the same good manners as our boss or a respected member of the community can go a long way to ensuring a friendship within our marriage.

• Confidentiality: “We do not gossip.”

  • What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. A marriage should be the same way. (This doesn’t include abuse!) There is nothing worse than trying to solve a relationship issue when you have family members and friends taking sides. We need to be honest and open in our relationship. That can leave you feeling vulnerable, but you should have the knowledge that anything we say or do will stay between you and your partner.

• Frequency: “Relationships take time.”

  • People drift apart when they don’t make time for each other and for their marriage. Anything that isn’t nurtured eventually dies.

Is There Pressure (Internal or External) to Marry?

“This drive for abstinence is putting a lot of pressure on girls to get married earlier.” Dr. Abeja Apunyo

One of the annoying questions we are faced with when we are young is ‘when are you going to get married?’ If a couple has been dating for a few years, the question ramps up. At family gatherings, a couple must run the gauntlet – sometimes even from the young. I once had a boyfriend’s young brother ask when he could start calling me auntie. It is difficult to be the last person in your family or friend group that is single. To attend all the weddings, see them as they welcome children. It almost feels like everyone questions what is wrong with us if we aren’t married. Sometimes, it feels like all the world conspires to make us feel miserable if we aren’t married.

The decision to make a lifelong commitment to another person is a difficult one. We are trying to get to know who our partner really is, but also to project into the future to who they will be through all the stages and ups and downs of life. Few of us have a crystal ball to make this easy. When one adds on top of this external or internal pressure to marry, it’s easy to be unclear on whether this is a knight in shining armour or an idiot in tinfoil. To know whether we are incompatible and better off apart.

Couples now seem to feel less pressure to make their relationship official with a ceremony, but the older generations still hold onto this as the ideal for their children and grandchildren. Whether there is an official designation on your relationship or not doesn't matter. Many younger couples are as committed as those that are actually married. They buy houses together, have children, and act as a unit. They too may feel pressured to pair up permanently and make choices out of wants and needs and not from a well thought out plan.

Families that are very traditional or those of certain religions put extreme pressure on their members to marry or to wait until marriage to have sex. In these cases, are you asking all the questions or are you just blindly moving towards marriage as an expectation? The news isn’t all bad here. Arranged marriages have a much lower divorce rate. These ideals aren’t necessarily bad and may lead to a very good outcome, but what if you are someone who doesn’t buy into your community’s beliefs? Choosing a partner is hard enough without being pressured into it.

The push to marry isn’t just an emotional issue. Unlike men, women have a window in which procreation is possible. Studies show that women are most fertile in their twenties, with a sharp decline after thirty-two. Advancements in technology have made it possible to have a child at forty, though there are greater risks at this age. In addition to the risks, who at this age has the energy to chase a high energy toddler around and who wants to be asked continually if you are the child’s grandmother? Perhaps because of this, most people I ask would prefer to have children when they are younger.

Certainly one is able to have a child as a single woman, but Norman Rockwell paintings, the media, and fairy tales we grew up on maintain that the ideal family is Mom, Dad, and children. Even girls raised by single parents want to do better by their children and give them that ideal life. Historically, the only acceptable situation in which to start a family was as a wedded couple. Girls who got pregnant out of wedlock were married quickly or quietly whisked away to have the child and then put it up for adoption. Ideas have evolved and we now have all manner of family structures. Still there are some that desperately want that ring.

At times, one person in a relationship sees forever after and the other just isn’t sure. In a survey undertaken by RelationshipsinAmerica.com (https://relationshipsinamerica.com/marriage-and-divorce/whos-more-interested-in-marrying-men-or-women) found that this occurred in one out of three

couples, all of whom were dating or living together. This is a painful dynamic. The one who isn’t sure can be placed under a great deal of stress to make up their mind by their partner, family, and friends. Some have even been known to be issued with an ultimatum. Ultimatums, experts agree, are not the way to achieve a healthy relationship. It is okay, though, to state ones wants and needs and have a conversation with your partner about their wants and needs.

Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D. writes, “When you make a decision to be with someone because of the pressure you feel (from yourself or others) rather than because the person seems right for you, you are giving your power away and ensuring an unhappy end to your love story.”