Does Your Partner Have a Disposable Personality?

“Even when I know I should recycle, my subconscious still falls back on the cultural norm that whatever seems easiest at the time is good enough.” Unknown

There are people who value what they have. People who perform routine maintenance of their car and wash it weekly. People who mend a rip in a shirt. People who look at an aging coffee pot and decide even if it isn’t the most efficient they will keep it until it no longer works.

There are others who may upgrade now and again, but do so responsibly. The car that can’t pass inspection can be donated to charity. The microwave from twenty years ago may no longer be safe and is not very energy efficient. They may try to sell it online rather than trash it or they take it to a recycling centre. Items that can go in a blue bin are cleaned so as not to contaminate the whole load.

Honestly, recycling is confusing. A 2011 survey found that only fifty percent of adults admitted to recycling daily. What is recyclable and where does it go? Can I leave the label on a tin can? Are milk containers eligible for a refund? Do I have the time to wash jars? Are lids recyclable? It takes too much time to drive to the recycling centre. There are many barriers to doing it and doing it right. Yet, does your partner still try?

At one time replacing an object was not so easy and was more expensive than to do a repair. Parts were readily available to fix what broke. Now, companies don’t offer that service. If a small widget breaks, you need to buy the whole contraption. Companies know that people are becoming more accepting of throwing out the old and buying new.

What of those that don’t care about the green way of living? They replace needlessly and don’t care if the old goes in the trash. They feel their effort either will not make a difference or that global warming is unstoppable. They may place all the blame on big business and the government and don’t make any personal effort.

Does your partners ideation on the topic relate to how they view people and relationships? If they don’t value our planet, will they work hard at a relationship that becomes inconvenient or uncomfortable? Will they place all the blame on their partner? We are in a time where it is easier than ever to disconnect from people in our lives. We just ghost them or send a text that avoids the discomfort of the devastation this might cause.

The idea that our relationships are becoming disposable is so prevalent that a Google search has more than forty million suggestions. The ease of the internet and the seemly endless buffet of options offered on dating sites gives us the impression there is always someone better waiting. Are we really so hypnotized by all the sappy movies and fairy tales that we believe we will find the perfect partner that never farts or forgets our anniversary? Do we think that hot girl looks that way when she wakes up in the morning? Do we believe our next partner will have no flaws and will never challenge us? More and more people are saying that if things with their partner got difficult they would end the relationship.

I can find no research into whether a person that cares deeply for Mother Earth and tries to be a good steward for her will be a sturdy romantic partner but I believe they are likely to put in more effort than someone who doesn’t. In my eyes, it stands to reason that someone who cares about his planet and possessions, won’t throw in the towel when the going gets tough. I believe this is the sort that will work at issues and seek help when it is needed.

Do You Understand That Men and Women Use Conversation Differently?

“The key to conversation at work is flexibility and understanding how what you say might be perceived by others.” Deborah Tannen

It is easy to slip into the role of assuming that everyone sees the world as we do. This was brought home to me at dinner one night when the family debated the colour of a school bus. This seemed to me very cut and dried before this day. Half saw the bus as orange, the other yellow. We argued throughout the meal and at the end it was not solved and no one had changed their minds.

Deborah Tannen, a linguist, states “...men and women have different assumptions about the place of talk in relationships.” She further points out there are gender differences in conversational style – that the sexes see the world differently and this is reflected in our conversations. We should start any interaction from the standpoint of trying to reach a meeting of the minds. To do this within a romantic couple, we need to first understand this sex difference in what language means to each of us and how we use it.

It is a widely used joke that women never shut up. We need to have the understanding that they are trying to make a connection and if they don’t feel that is happening, they will talk more. Women try to “...protect themselves from other's attempts to push them away.” For women, “...conversations are negotiations for closeness...confirmation and support...a struggle to preserve intimacy and avoid isolation.” Women ‘rapport’ talk.

Men value themselves by how much power and control they have. For them, conversation is “...negotiations in which people try to achieve and maintain the upper hand...and protect themselves from others’ attempts to put them down and push them around...a contest, a struggle to preserve independence and avoid failure.” Men 'report’ talk.

In a relationship, when I reminded my male partner that a job needed to be done, it immediately provoked anger. Since males see conversation as a power struggle, he saw this reminder as me bossing him around. Were he to immediately do it, that would mean, in his mind, I was in charge. Somehow him leaving windows only partially installed for three years was no reason for me to remind him and I was a nag.

“That women have been labelled ‘nags’ may result from the interplay of men’s and women’s styles, whereby many women are inclined to do what is asked of them and many men are inclined to resist even the slightest hint that anyone, especially a woman, is telling them what to do. A woman will be inclined to repeat a request that doesn’t get a response because she is convinced that her husband would do what she asks, if he only understood that she really wants him to do it. But a man who wants to avoid feeling that he is following orders may instinctively wait before doing what she asked, in order to imagine that he is doing it of his own free will. Nagging is the result, because each time she repeats the request, he again puts off fulfilling it.”

Tannen's book, You Just Don't Understand, offers helpful insight into the baffling world of man-speak/woman-speak. Things like male to male conversation often takes place when something else is going on. Usually while not facing one another, like watching the game or fixing the car. It may be overwhelming to ask a man to share his feelings with you while face to face sitting alone at the kitchen table. Men often complain women's style is bossy, as in the use of 'let’s', which is used as a suggestion and a way of building community. Author Barbara De Angelis, states, “Men often misinterpret our suggestions, advice and feedback as attack and criticism.”

Conversations that were once baffling and hurtful begin to make sense. “...Understanding genderlects improves relationships.” Though we are unlikely to change, and maybe should not, the other’s conversational style, having insight into the way that the mind of the other and the intent behind their words will lead to less conflict.

What should be our take away here? Not that we should accept this, say ‘that’s how men/women are.’ Rather we need to understand where each is coming from and have an open discussion. The man needs to put aside his ego and take out the trash if this is a task he has taken responsibility for and if he has missed trash pick up day, he needs to own this. Next week he should not need reminding and his wife will not need to feel like a nag. Women need to understand that sometimes continuing to talk when they believe men are not listening (as they don’t always display listening cues: head nods, etc.) may have the opposite effect intended.

We need to talk so we are heard. I am not talking volume, but having the other person receive and understand the intended information.