Are You the Flower or the Gardener in Your Relationship?

“People in relationships are either flowers or gardeners. Two flowers shouldn’t partner; they need someone to support them, to help them grow.... Flowers bloom; gardeners tend. Two flowers, no tending everything dies.” Rebecca Serle

This concept was made popular following the movie, I, Tonya. One person is the gardener - nurturing, supportive and works to make the right environment so the flower can grow and bloom. The flower on the other hand uses the support to be the best they can be. There is a saying that behind every great man is a great woman. This doesn’t have to be gender specific. Often behind any person of note, there is a team that helped them get to where they are: parents, coaches, mentors and, yes, spouses. My father achieved much in his life and those that know of him, probably don’t even know my mother’s name. He got to where he was because my mother believed in him and supported his efforts.

I believe I could ask this question to a heterosexual couple separately and have each claim to be the gardener. Likely, almost no man is going to claim to be the flower. The way this works may not be straightforward. A gardener may be the one that brings in all or most of the income, but not necessarily. There are sports superstars raking in the big bucks while their partners may only make a pittance in comparison. The partner is in the background, taking care of the kids, home and life, letting the flower bloom. Men, on average, continue to provide more of the household income in many marriages. They could make a case that they are the gardener. Women, even when they work full time do more of the housework and childcare. They could make a case that they are the gardener.

In the emotional sense, some people require a lot of attention, they are like exotic orchids that need exactly the right conditions to thrive. Some people need everything to be about them. If they are not getting enough good attention, they will seek negative attention. If you are with a high maintenance person or a drama queen, you are likely the gardener. One’s Love Language may come into play here; someone whose language is Acts of Service fits naturally into the Gardener role.

In real life it becomes less clear who assumes what role. I believe in all relationships there are times and ways in which each person is the gardener and ways in which each is the flower. Over the course of the relationship we play both roles, swapping back and forth in these roles. A woman that put her spouse through school and helped them get a great job, now has a high risk pregnancy and needs months of bed rest. It’s now her partner's turn to be the gardener. There are times in everyone’s adult life when they require some nurturing. No matter how tough one is, when we have lost a significant parent or are extremely ill we need someone to provide us with a little TLC. The question is, can or will they be the gardener when it’s needed?

I can foresee problems in continually being the gardener. Without a balance between the roles one could burn out. We help our partner to bloom, we work to put them through school. We do all the housework and child care so they can study. We help them with their resume. They finally make it. Now that they have bloomed will they may want someone that is more in line with their new version?

How will you take turns in each role as your needs change over time? If all one does is take, this can take a toll on the relationship from which you may not return. While I can’t find any studies on the matter, I would suspect couples where one is continuously the emotional and physical gardener the divorce rate is higher. I think we should look at the relationship as a garden and each of us as a gardener working to make it a fertile environment so that the yield is abundant.

Are You the Ant or the Grasshopper? The Hare or the Tortoise?

Are you the ant or the grasshopper? The hare or the tortoise? How will these archetypes mesh in your relationship?

Aesop’s fables were stories designed to teach morals to young children. The ant is portrayed as hard working and storing away supplies so he could get through a cold winter. The grasshopper who has spent the summer playing, comes to the ant wondering how he will survive now that winter has set in and he has done nothing to prepare. In its Grimm’s original version we can only assume the grasshopper comes to a poor end. In brighter, newer additions, the ant shows charity.

These are people who personify these fairy tale characters. The grasshopper is the person for whom money burns a hole in their pocket, who does not plan for tomorrow as they are just having too much fun living in the moment. These people, if they do not mend their ways, end up at retirement wondering why no one told them this day would come as they find themselves on the street.

The ant in contrast is careful with their money. People would describe them as hard workers, driven, prepared. They will save up money to buy a car rather then get a loan. They save for retirement and probably have a purse or car filled with items in case of an emergency. These characteristics exist on a continuum with some people falling somewhere in the middle, but more likely, people fall somewhat on one side or the other.

The characters displayed in this fable go beyond a discussion of finances. These characters could be seen in a couple where one works nine to five, getting a regular pay cheque and that makes them feel secure. The other may freelance as an artist, barely able to pay the bills, but loving what they do.

You may even see this in parenting style: one parent who makes sure the children have their homework done, a nutritious lunch, and get to bed at a regular hour. The other gets on the floor and wrestles with the kids, lets them stay up to watch a movie, and lets the children binge on chips and cookies.

Dating a grasshopper may be fun for an ant – a wild adventure. But you always need to ask: what will life look like down the road? It may not look so fun when the grasshopper spends his pay cheque on a new sound system for his car and the water bill goes unpaid. When the responsibility weighs heavily on your ant shoulders because the grasshopper has said she’ll get to it after she is done with her video game, but she never is. Will it feel like you are a single parent when your partner is always spending weekends playing sports? A grasshopper may be drawn to an ant as someone who has their life together, but down the road find them boring and uninspiring. The ant may not look so cool when she takes your pay cheque and puts you on an allowance.

I dated a grasshopper that I came to realize had only reentered the dating scene because he needed money. He could not afford his rent and was having to consider selling some of the toys he had purchased. Clearly, grasshoppers are not planners. My theory based on the grasshoppers I know is that grasshoppers look outside themselves for a solution, as did the grasshopper in the fable. The grasshopper I dated could have moved to a smaller place or taken a second job on the weekends. He did not want a second job because, in true grasshopper fashion, he liked to play on the weekends.

A relationship between an ant and a grasshopper could work as long as they were aware of their differing styles. It may mean having separate bank accounts and you would certainly not want to leave the grasshopper solely in charge of paying the bills. Letting the grasshopper, though, be in charge of the vacation would pull the ant out of their routine and probably be a lot of fun.

The hare and the tortoise is a very well known and often referenced fable with its ‘slow but steady wins the race’ moral. In life, there are those that move through it at high speed. In a rush to complete tasks and get to where they are going fast. Then there are those who set out a plan, make lists, and then take action methodically.

The hare may get things done quickly, sometimes without the careful checking that may mean errors are made. The e-transfer is in the wrong amount, leaving the baking powder out of the cake, the pile of speeding tickets they amass. Mistakes they may consider just the cost of getting things done, the ends justifying the means.

The turtle may check that the stove is off and all the lights are off (twice) and may be perpetually late as they are so cautious. Then, too, there are people that are turtles that just do things slowly and no prompts to speed things up will hasten their progress. Turtle behaviour can also mean that nothing ever happens as they are perpetually in planning mode, researching and measuring until they are afraid to decide, and nothing ends up happening.

It is clear that a couple with these traits will butt heads, each will feel uncomfortable at the other’s speed. Compromise will have to be the theme of a marriage between the hare and the turtle. The turtle will have two days to research printers, give their top three picks to the hare, and let them decide. The hare will not be in charge of baking the cake for a special event, but will shop for the food. Within any partnership we should play to out strengths and that can can ensure we cross the finishing line together.

What is their Elemental Type?

While it’s generally accepted that there four personality types, Traditional Chinese medicine has identified five types based on elemental forces. They are described as different aspects of energy. The types are Earth, Fire, Metal, Water, and Wood. This knowledge is used primarily in acupuncture, to determine what health problems a person is likely to have and what treatment will work best. They can also give you an idea of what organs and body systems might cause issues.

Further insight into these types saw the usefulness this would provide parents in regard to their children and help to understand how to work with them based on their elemental type. We all have some traits of all five types, but one is dominant. Each elemental type has both physical and emotional characteristics that make a certain temperament and way of being in the world likely. In understanding this, parents can customize their parenting style to assist their child to be the best they can be and avoid struggles.

One of the aspects of elemental types is their activity and energy levels. From highest to lowest activity level they are: Wood, Fire, Earth, Metal and Water. This was not news to me. One of my children is a Fire and when she was strapped into a car seat, the lack of ability to move freely caused her to talk gregariously the whole trip.

The types hold up for adults too and can explain what relationships may be challenging. Identifying your type and your partner’s is a window into what areas of your relationship will be challenging. A relationship between a Wood (very highly active) and a Water (lowest activity type) may see the couple struggling over types of activities they participate in. The Wood may want them to train for a marathon while the Water may want to go and see a movie. The Water may find the Wood is always buzzing around the house or constantly talking. The Wood wishing the Water would take up more active hobbies.

If you are a Water type, you value freedom and ease of movement. They are creative and outside the box thinkers. What a water type requires in a relationship is someone with emotional depth and is understanding of your need for silence.

If you are a Fire, you require stimulation and likely have many things on the go at the same time. The right person for a fire type is emotionally available and loves to listen to them talk.

If you’re an Earth, your relationships are a priority. You are a natural caregiver. You need a partner that is very committed and has strong family values.

If your type is Wood, you are action-oriented and a life-long learner with a need to grow. All this action requires a partner that has high energy and is independent.

If your element is Metal, you are a true humanitarian and very authentic in all you undertake and strive to do meaningful work. Metals need a partner that also has the same strong principles and morals. They also require someone that will give them space.

There are types that lend themselves naturally to a good and supportive relationship, called generating or nurturing. These are: Water nurtures wood, wood nurtures fire, fire nurtures earth, earth nurtures metal, metal nurtures water. Think of this: if you want to build a campfire you require wood.

There are also types that are less compatible and can easily become imbalanced. These are referred to as controlling. Water controls fire, fire controls metal, metal controls wood, wood controls earth, earth controls water. That same campfire you have been using to roast marshmallows, if it gets too large you’ll throw water on it.

Both of these cycles, as they are called, can represent a balance in a relationship, there are two other cycles; overacting and insulting. These reflect a situation where one type inhibits the nature of the other. Overacting is when you use so much water that it puts out the fire. Insulting would be so much water that the area can never sustain a fire ever again.

Much like knowing and understanding your partner’s personality type enables you to have a smoother relationship, knowing your partner’s elemental type before you tie the knot will enable you to make a wise choice of partner. Anything you do to gain understanding of who your partner is gives you a better chance to live happily ever after.

Which 'Big Five' Personality Trait Do You Most Embody?

“Kiss a frog with your eyes wide open. If he turns into a prince you won't miss the transformation, but if he doesn't, you won't be fooled by some wishful illusion in your head.” Richelle E. Goodrich

Trying to fill an opening in a company is tough. The person being interviewed wants the job and will show their best side to entice the employer to hire them. We put on nice clothes, show up early, and answer questions to reflect that we are trustworthy, hard working, and intelligent. The employer, of course, knows this and attempts to ferret out those who truly possess these qualities and those who do not possess the necessary skills or are undependable. Trying to find a partner that we can envision staying with for the long haul is just like this: we work hard when we meet someone to make a good impression. It is only when we know each other better that the cracks in the facade start to show through.

To aid in the process of choosing the right person for a job, tests have been developed to focus on the five basic traits that form a large part of human personality. These ‘big five’ traits are: Agreeableness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Neuroticism, and Openness. These traits exist on a continuum and the blend of these five traits in a person is a predictor of their behaviour. These traits are a window into ourselves and, while are helpful in finding an employee, they are also a predictor of marital outcomes.

Just like it sounds, a person who is high in agreeableness is cooperative, sympathetic, and friendly. Someone on the disagreeable end of this continuum is far more concerned with meeting their own needs than extending themselves for others.

Conscientiousness is a desire to do a thorough and competent job. People high in this attribute will be careful, efficient, organized, and take tasks seriously. It is also found they are safer drivers and live longer. On the other hand, people who are lacking in conscientiousness have poor follow-through, act impulsively, are unprepared, and have less concern for others. They are also more likely to engage in criminal or anti-social behaviour.

We are all familiar with the term extraversion – or as it is commonly spelled extroversion – and envision the life of the party. They are seen as talkative, gregarious, energetic, and highly social. Carl Jung coined the term, asserting that people high in this attribute gain gratification outside themselves. People low on this scale will be quiet, aloof, and find too much social interaction draining. These people have rich inner lives and seek gratification internally.

Neuroticism is a very loaded word and forms of this are bandied about as an insult. Neuroticism should not be confused with neurosis. Neurosis was once a diagnosis used by doctors to describe mental health issues, neuroticism is a personality trait that does not impair daily functioning. People high in this trait are more likely to have severe levels of fear, anxiety, worry, depressed moods, and be more sensitive to stressors. If you score on the low end, you are calm, balanced, emotionally stable, and less likely to be upset by external stress.

Openness should not be confused with extraversion. Openness in this sense relates to imagination, sense of adventure, and open-mindedness. Conversely, if you are low in this attribute, you will be cautious, rigid, and struggle with change, preferring routine.

In any partnership, though especially loving relationships, we desire someone that possesses the qualities that will ensure a happy and healthy long-term pairing. Taking this test can help with this. Before you show your score to your beloved, ask a close friend or relative to take the test about you. Results have shown that friends will be able to rate you more honestly than you rate yourself. Once you compare all the test results, you can gauge if you can work together in a fashion that will ensure a happier ever after.

Not surprisingly, individuals who have a high degree of agreeableness and conscientiousness tend to have greater relationship satisfaction. Low levels of these were possible predictors of infidelity. High levels of extraversion indicate we are with someone fun to be with, but as David Schmidt (2008) found, this personality type can be linked to short-term mating. Sadly, for someone high in neuroticism, relationship outcomes are less positive. Openness, however, factors very little in how well things work out for couples.

This data is helpful in knowing what will work and what would be a bad idea within the relationship. If someone fears change, you might not want to throw them a surprise party. If someone is high in extraversion, a week long silent retreat is unlikely to be on their vacation bucket list.

Be wary, though, of choosing someone very similar to you if you are in it for the long haul. Michelle Shiota & Robert Levenson (2007) found that while we are happy in our youth to be with someone similar to us in these attributes, in our later years we are not.

What is Your Chinese Zodiac Sign?

To many people, their Chinese Zodiac sign is meaningless, while others put a lot of stock in what they have to say. Whether it works or doesn’t, it’s fun to look at. In order, the twelve signs are: Rat, Ox, Tiger, Rabbit, Dragon, Snake, Horse, Goat, Monkey, Rooster, Dog, and Pig.

Each sign and the animal assigned, typifies the traits that someone born in this year are to possess and even their possible destiny. The calendar is based on a sixty year cycle based on twelve animals signs and five elements; metal, water, wood, fire, and earth.

The Zodiac is divided into parts based on the year you were born; however if you are born early in the year, before the Chinese New Year, you will take the sign of the year before. Because the Chinese Zodiac is based on a lunar calendar, the date of the New Year changes. It will however, always fall between January 21 and February 21.

The following traits are assigned to each animal (according to the following website www.infoplease.com/culture-entertainment/mythology-folklore/chinese-zodiac)

Rat: quick-witted, smart, charming, and persuasive
Ox: patient, kind, stubborn, and conservative
Tiger: authoritative, emotional, courageous, and intense
Rabbit: popular, compassionate, and sincere
Dragon: energetic, fearless, warm-hearted, and charismatic
Snake: charming, gregarious, introverted, generous, and smart
Horse: energetic, independent, impatient, and enjoy traveling
Sheep: mild-mannered, shy, kind, and peace-loving
Monkey: fun, energetic, and active
Rooster: independent, practical, hard-working, and observant
Dog: patient, diligent, generous, faithful, and kind
Pig: loving, tolerant, honest, and appreciative of luxury

How do these relate to relationships? The Chinese Zodiac is laid out in a circle and, based on the wisdom of this system, signs on the opposite side of the Zodiac chart are poor matches.

Based on this, these are poor pairings:

The rat and the horse
The ox and the sheep
The tiger and the monkey
The rabbit and the rooster
The dragon and the dog
The snake and the pig

How do you know what makes a good partner choice? The Chinese Zodiac is further broken down into four compatibility triangles that determines what two other animal signs you are most aligned with. The premise is that the characteristics within these groups are similar enough that enable them to get along, not just in a romantic relationship, but also in friendship and business.

These groupings are:

First Trine: Rat, dragon, and monkey. This grouping is said to have a never-ending supply of ideas and the determination and comfort with risk to make these dreams a reality. These three may be viewed by others as so intense that they are overwhelming. Negative attributes of this group are jealousy, selfishness, aggression, and a tendency to leap before they look. Couples from this trine are said to have the most satisfying relationships. The monkey and rat are said to be the best pairing of these three.

Second Trine: Ox, snake, and rooster. This group is not known for the speed with which they make decisions, but when they do, you can rest assured they have made a very solid choice. They are hardworking, productive, and reliable. While these sort may have great heads for business, they aren’t likely to overwhelm their loved one with romantic gestures or long talks about their feelings. They also have a tendency to be critical, rigid, and stubborn. While the ox and rooster is a good combination, an ox/ox couple is the best choice.

Third Trine: Tiger, horse, and dog. A strong sense of morals and decency is a hallmark of this group. They have the highest of ideals. A negative aspect is a strong need for affection and ego stroking and they can be argumentative and moody. Of these three, the best pairing is said to be the horse and the tiger and that they do very well as parents.

Fourth Trine: Rabbit, sheep, and pig. These three are givers, rather than takers. They value harmony, tranquility, and artistic pursuits. They can also be gullible, needy, and easily be subjected to abuse from an unwise pairing. Because of this, it is advised that this trine stick to it’s own kind in matters of the heart as they can be easily misled in love. The pig and the goat make a very complimentary couple.

This article is a simplistic look at the Chinese Zodiac. As I mentioned earlier, there is also the influence of the five elements to be taken into account, which is beyond the scope of this article.

Thank you to alignedsigns.com for the information contained in this article.

What are Your Individual Five Year Plans?

 If you do not know where you are headed, how will you know you have arrived?

We reach a place in our later years – the midlife crisis – when we look back at all we have achieved and measure it against what we have left to do before the clock runs out. If these are far apart, panic sets in. Who will we blame? Maybe ourselves, but it’s far easier to blame the partner that talked us into selling our sports car because it would not hold a car seat. The stereotypical image of someone going through a midlife crisis is someone ditching responsibility in favour of fun. If this is not how you want to end up, a good place to start is an open dialogue about the map you have for the future.

Just as you would not start a trip without a destination in mind, before you set off on a journey with a partner you need to be sure you are both travelling in the same direction. In general, we spend more time setting goals and checking off tasks at our work then we do in our personal life or even our most important relationships. It is easy to get complacent and lose sight of the finite nature of time.

It is not an unusual question to be asked at a job interview what your five year plan is. An employer does not want to spend time training someone if they are only going to be around for a year. While we are not, or should not, be in a relationship to train this person to meet your needs, we do want to be together for the long haul. If it is clear from the beginning your ideas are extremely conflicting, you either need to each adjust course somewhat so you both end up somewhere you want or break up. If one of you gives up your dreams and settles, will you resent the relationship down the road?

Sit down and write a couples’ bucket list or five year plan. Dr. Gail Matthews found you are forty-two percent more likely to achieve them as a result of cooperative planning. Make your list full of items that are concrete and measurable. ‘Have a happy marriage’ as a goal can look different depending on your background, temperament, and personality. It is better to state, 'date night every Friday' or 'save twenty dollars every week for a trip to Paris'. If you are both honest and paint a picture of the must achieve and the might be cool items, you are less likely to falter down the line.

Some of us are planners, long-term thinkers. We plan out our days, weeks, months, and years, making endless lists. Dierks Bentley wrote a song called Free and Easy that perfectly describes the short term thinker. These are people who like to be spontaneous, who find planning every detail claustrophobic. Those with an explorer personality type likely fall into this category. Two spontaneous partners will likely skip this exercise, finding it not in line with how they want to live life, not caring what is just around the corner, seeing even crisis as adventure. They may have a wonderful, exciting life together. People do not have to plan; the issue becomes problematic when one is a planner and the other isn’t or when our plans are extremely divergent and we have not had a conversation before the wedding about where we are headed.

If you have seen the other person's life map, compromise is possible. If both want to get a degree, but there is not money to cover both, one can work and the other attend school and then switch. If one wants kids right away, but the other to travel for two years, maybe you only travel together for one. As each goal is met, a life-long open dialogue can help you to build new goals to work towards.

This wild passion you feel for each other will not always be there. Life steps in in the form of mortgage, bills, and housework. You may have felt at the beginning that the fiery love you feel for each other will melt away all troubles. You can’t enter it blindly, just expecting it will not take work. Goals, in any area of our life, focus our attention. If you do not figure out what you want to be when you grow up, you will spend a lot of time wandering around aimlessly while you figure it out. Having goals also keeps you focused on your relationship and nurturing it. Nothing grows if it is not nurtured.

What is Your Personality Type?

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” Carl Jung

You may have, at one time, taken a personality test – either for a job or to pass the time while cruising the internet. The internet abounds with titles such as: ‘What candy bar are you?’ These are fun, but offer little real insight. Research again and again comes up with the idea that there are only four personality types.

We put on rose coloured glasses when first in love; we view all our partner’s attributes through the idea that love will conquer all and minimize that which we find less than appealing. Knowing each other’s personality type – applying research to romance – can give you an idea whether you will actually be compatible. These tests give you a window into their strengths, weaknesses, and temperament and can even help us to understand who we fall in love with.

What you are marrying is a lifestyle. These personality profiles show you what you can expect daily life to be: routine or spontaneous, leading or serving. They will help us to understand what motivates our partner and this will enable us to recognize what they need from us in order to feel loved by us. If they require recognition and we get so busy with work and children that we treat them as invisible, they may look elsewhere to fill this need, at work or even perhaps an affair.

If you are someone who is punctual and a planner, a person that rides a Harley and shows up when they show up may sweep you off your feet and you may tell your friends they make you feel alive. Were you to marry them, though, a few years down the road, you would be telling those same friends that if they are late picking the kids up from daycare one more time you would throttle them. Truth be told, they are less likely to want to marry you in the first place and, more importantly, anyone.

The True Colours test labels the personalities as gold, green, blue, and orange. I am more familiar with the version developed by Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist. Fisher found that our primary personality type is closely matched to a hormone/neurotransmitter. There is a saying that opposites attract and it turns out that is sometimes true. If your personality type relates to hormones – estrogen or testosterone – the old wives tale holds. Those high in neurotransmitters, though, will choose someone very similar to themself.

Here are the four types for both Helen Fisher's test and the True Colors and the biological agent they are associated with:

Explorer / Orange / Dopamine

Builder / Gold / Serotonin

Director / Green / Testosterone

Negotiator / Blue / Estrogen

The Explorer, as the name suggests likes adventure, fun, and is not adverse to taking risks. While you may want one of these people at all of your parties, if your dream is the house with the white picket fence, two children, and family game night every Friday, this is an unlikely choice. Explorers, in addition to being drawn to other Explorers, are easily bored, too self-involved, and require recognition. Words you may hear an Explorer use frequently are: adventure, spontaneous, fun, travel, outgoing, active.

The Builder is the person you want on any committee, as they are going to do the work to bring an idea into practice. While they are reliable and organized, they can be adverse to instability, change, and have impossible standards. This is another group that does best when paired with another of similar bent. If asked what is important, a builder will use family, honesty, morals, loyal, trust, and respect.

The Director is at home in the CEO office. They are leaders and, in addition to needing to be dominant, they are logical and have a bottom line approach. Some shortcomings found with these individuals are that they tend to be workaholics and stubborn. They are often motivated by money. Words used by a director to describe what is important are words such as intelligence, ambition, politics, and challenges. A good counterpart for this personality is the Negotiator.

In addition to being suited to the Director, a Negotiator is a caring and compassionate individual that tends to move at an easier pace. Because they are very concerned with others needs they are prone to feeling used and burning out by taking on too much. In trying to identify a Negotiator, look for words like kind, sensitive, reader, learning, empathy.

It would be naive to think that we can fit neatly into just four different boxes; we are a blend of several types in varied proportions. The tests may even give you both a primary and secondary type. While it is important to know the primary type, so too is the secondary one. If two builders marry, life may be mostly smooth, but there may be unexpected bumps. These may be caused by your secondary type clashing.

Take heart even if you choose someone whom the tests say is not your ideal or even incompatible, you will know what challenges and fights you are likely to have and can come up with strategies to deal head them off.

Which Hogwarts House are You?

With more than five hundred million copies sold worldwide, it’s safe to say that most, if not all people have at least heard of the Harry Potter Houses. In fact, some people even go so far as to list their Hogwarts House on their dating profile!

While it’s not necessarily the most scientific method of classifying one’s personality, it’s a quick, easy, and fun way to gain insight into someone’s psyche. And, since some people are adverse to personality tests, yet will easily identify what house they fit into, this can be a way to get a better look at even the most stubborn person’s personality. It can be especially enlightening if they identify themselves differently than the rest of the world might identify them...

With this in mind, let’s take a look at how J.K. Rowling has delineated people into one of four categories:

Ravenclaw people are typically very intellectually motivated. They take education and intelligence very seriously. They’re driven to accomplish their goals, though they may be the kind of person who gets so mired down in doing the research necessary to get there that they forget to actually start. They’re also perfectionists, sometimes to a fault.

Hufflepuffs are driven by kindness above all else. They’re the kind of person who cares for others when they’re sick. They’re likely very creative and want to make the world a better place and are willing to work hard to make it so.

Slytherin often gets a bad rap as ‘evil’, but they’re actually more concerned with meeting their own needs first, than screwing over other people. They’re extremely ambitious and expect great things of themselves and the people they choose to surround themselves with. They strive for greatness in everything they do and may feel cheated if they do not achieve it.

Gryffindor people tend to value bravery and perseverance. They see things as challenges to be overcome, problems to solve. They like to be admired by others, like to be the centre of attention. They’re chivalrous and like to save others from would-be distress. They’re likely to stick to time-honoured traditions and values.

As in J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series, studies throughout time have always come up with four basic personality types. The types identified in the books are more one-sided and do not strictly adhere to the personality types identified through scientific data, but can be roughly equated to the known personality types.

Based on other personality studies, here are the equivalences we see based on Helen Fisher’s work and the True Colours personality test:

Slytherin – Explorer – Orange

Hufflepuff – Negotiator – Blue

Ravenclaw – Director – Green

Gryffindor – Builder – Gold

As is always the case, for every strength, there is also an equivalent weakness... Let’s examine where you might find someone lacking for each of the Houses:

A Hufflepuff will likely be a ‘satisfizer’. A satisfizer is someone who seeks to make other people happy, even to their own detriment. This makes them especially prone to burn out, as their needs will remain the bottom priority until they have nothing left with which to take care of themselves.

A Slytherin may rub people the wrong way. They’re not a ‘warm and fuzzy’ person, which may make them difficult to get along with. A person in a relationship with a Slytherin may find that it’s Slytherin’s world and the rest of us just live in it – the Syltherin’s partner will likely find themselves doing all the jobs and chores their partner doesn’t like to do. They’re also likely the type least likely to want children.

A Ravenclaw is someone who lives in their head a lot. They’re the kind of person who can tell you the cubic capacity of your fridge, but fail to notice when you’re out of toilet paper. They’re likely to hold down a demanding and possibly high-powered job, so their partner may find they take on a lot of the odd household jobs that aren’t deemed important enough for their Ravenclaw partner. They may also put work ahead of family, which could leave their partner feeling neglected.

A Gryffindor is someone who always has a cause that’s near and dear to their hearts, global thinkers who want to be the people’s champion. Family is important to them and they’re going to take care of the people close to them, but they may also take on too much of other people’s burdens. They’re the kind of person who will see someone stranded at the side of the road by a flat tire and pull over to fix it, sidetracking the family’s road trip fun.

With this in mind, there are some Houses that are going to be more compatible than others.

Slytherins will likely find themselves drawn to other Slytherins. They’ll likely butt heads quite a lot with a Gryffindor. Slytherins will find a Ravenclaw partner to be very stuffy and possibly dull. A Hufflepuff partner might work for awhile, but will likely find a Slytherin lifestyle too ‘high octane’.

Gryffindors will pair best with other Gryffindors. Gryffindors will probably find a Ravenclaw partner to be too rigid and set in their ways, while a Hufflepuff partner might go along with their wishes, but eventually grow tired and burnt out.

Ravenclaws will likely find a good match with Hufflepuffs. Surprisingly, a match between two Ravenclaws is neither likely nor unlikely to succeed – they’re likely to be a good pairing, but may find that they’re like two ships in the night who never quite meet.

Finally, a pairing between two Hufflepuffs is probably going to result in endless circular conversations like this: “I don’t know, what do you want to do?”

So, the next time ABC airs its Harry Potter marathon (which, let’s be honest, is about once a month by now!), take a closer look at which House you think your partner fits into and whether it spells out a good future for the two of you...