What Do Your Actions Tell Your Partner About Your Feelings Toward the Relationship?

“If your actions don’t live up to your words, you have nothing to say.” DaShanne Stokes

A man claimed to be madly in love with his girlfriend and wanted to marry her... All while buying a house far from where her job opportunities were, talking about it being his house, and turning down her ideas about how to decorate it. From my point of view, he was acting like he was trying to scare her off.

It's easy to pay lip service to almost anything, but where we put our time and energy is a better measure of how we really feel. If we're being honest, our actions will match our words. Do your actions, like the example above, indicate you’re just not that into them? We need to be honest, not just with ourselves, but our partner as well, especially when we have mixed or indecisive feels about the sustainability of our relationship. It's selfish to waste either of your time. Do the work or move on.

Are you there for them? It is easy to say you will always be there for someone and then be mysteriously absent when they need a ride to the emergency room. You don’t need to be at your partner's beck and call at all times, but you should have their back when it really matters. When they are sick, facing a death in the family, or in a crisis.

Are you reliable? This is similar to the above, but leans more to being on time, in contact, at home when you say you'll be and if not phone ahead. If you say you’ll pick up milk on your way home from work, do you say you forgot because you’re too tired? Things of this sort, though they may seem small, are telling as to how important the relationship is.

Do you take your partner's needs and wants into account? A healthy relationship is going to mean you can’t always get your way. You will see movies you don’t like, eat food you find gross, spend time with people you’d rather not. A relationship is about compromise and finding solutions that you both can live with.

Do you keep secrets your partner should know? Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Our partners don’t need to know everything that ever happened to us or every thought we have. They should, however, be clued into the big things. If we were abused as a child. If we spent time in jail. If we have children we don’t see. It is hard to have trust in a relationship when we are being kept in the dark.

Do you allow others to interfere in your relationship? We sometimes turn to friends and family to share our problems and doubts about our relationship. Depending on the person, these people then might interject themselves in your partnership. It is hard to be alone while facing a crowd.

Do you leave them feeling unloved or unsure where they stand? Some people leave us feeling almost crazy trying to read them. They tell us we are the best thing that ever happened to them, then forget our birthday. It is hard to feel secure when your partner talks constantly about this hot single coworker that just got assigned to their team.

Do you blame them for everything? It can be hard to own our mistakes, especially when there could be a painful consequence. Though this is true, our partner should not be a scapegoat for all that goes wrong for us or even our own unhappiness.

Do you lack empathy when they have a bad day? I told a guy I was seeing that I had a crappy day. He texted back that it was too bad and then went on talking about other things. That is a big red flag that he really wasn’t that interested in me and wasn’t emotionally available to me.

Do you make excuses not to be at important events? You may not have an interest in going to a partner's work party or visit their great aunt in a nursing home. While many of us might feel this way, part of caring for your partner is an interest in their life and supporting them. If an event is important to them it should be to you because your partner should be important to you.

You may find in reading these, that you are unintentionally sending mixed or off putting messages. You may even rethink if you aren’t that into them and consider what your next step should be.

Do You Place More Importance on Time or Money?

“The biggest difference between money and time is that you always know how much money you have, but you never know how much time you have.” Unknown

My high school teacher, Mr. Thompson, asked this question of every graduating class he taught. All the kids in my class he queried before me answered money, giving a variety of reasons. I answered time. I reasoned that this was the end of our childhood. The last time I would see a lot of these classmates. We were expected to go off to university or get a job and begin to wear the cloak of adulthood. The teacher stated that I was a rarity. People always answered money.

It turns out this has been proven. Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania and UCLA found that a majority of people studied, sixty-four percent, in fact, rated money as more valuable than time. Money is a funny thing: we all want it, we all need it, and we spend most of our good years chasing it. For some, it is a god that they would step over their own mother to get. For others, it is just a necessary evil.

Perhaps it is the way television and the media glamorize wealth and fill our heads full of wants. Maybe it is that money is tangible and time isn’t. At times it flies and others drags on. When you are young, it feels like you have all the time in the world. You do until you don’t. Watch a person going through a midlife crisis and you see the panic... ‘Why didn’t I do these things when I had the chance?’

In your relationship, there are going to be many big and small ways in which you choose time versus money. Job opportunities that mean travel. Spending money on things you don’t need, but want. As a couple, you are going to have to find a balance between obtaining money to survive and carving out time to keep your love for each other alive.

If you are both on the same page in what you value most, you may very well have harmony in this regard. If you are someone who values time, living with someone who values money and status, you may find yourself alone as they work long hours to get ahead.

It is easy to get caught up in the hamster wheel of going to work, coming home tired, grumbling through making supper, and then doing it all again the next day. We get behind at work and put in overtime. Meanwhile, we are not nurturing the bonds with those we love. If you make the choice of money over time, it will impact all your relationships.

Sometimes it is when a crisis rocks our world that we reevaluate this question. Ask the parent who has lost a young child and they will tell you they would give up every last cent to spend one more day with them. We often do not know the value of what we have until we have lost it.

Men define themselves by their career, so it is not necessarily that they value money more, but it seems to boil down to the same thing. They focus on climbing the corporate ladder, even if that means relationships come secondary.

I know a man that spent his life working hard, focused on career over family. He even stated he knew he was not much of a father and a grandfather but didn’t care. Guess what? He’s old now and laments that these same children and grandchildren do not visit him. In the moment his work was his world, but remember at some point, we retire...

“Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them – work, family, health, friends and spirit – and you're keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls – family, health, friends and spirit – are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life." Bryan Dyson

We seem to forget that time is finite. We only have so many years in this life. Once spent you can never get them back. On your deathbed will you regret that you did not spend more time at the office? Probably not. The above mentioned researchers found those that valued time led happier lives.

Make each minute count.

What Matters to Your Partner?

What is their currency?

“Tell me what you pay attention to and I will tell you who you are.” José Ortega y Gasset

Early in a relationship, we can’t get enough time together. Spending time apart feels like torture and there are frequent texts, phone calls, notes left on each other's cars, and the like. It is easy to slip into the mindset that you are their top priority and always will be. Ask anyone who is in a long-term relationship and they will tell you real life sets in and this obsession cools. After the fierce desire for togetherness during a new relationship, it is easy to feel unloved when day to day responsibilities interfere. It is better to know from the beginning what matters to this person so you have an idea what life will look like after the honeymoon phase.

Rick Warren in his book The Purpose Driven Life states that "...the best expression of love is time... If you want to know a person's priorities, just look at how they spend their time." The importance of someone or something can be measured by how much time we are willing to invest. This is their currency. It may be status, career, or even money. Dr. Phil says we need to “...pay attention to how he treats what he values.” Also, observe if he shares what he values with you. If he values family, but doesn’t introduce you to them, are you really important?

In a marriage, we want to believe we should be our beloved’s first priority. Were life a romance movie, we would set off on a moonlit walk and the credits would say, “And they lived happily ever after.” Real life comes with financial pressure, chores, obligations, and strife. The fairy tales of old did not address these. Cinderella did not have a car accident and Prince Charming did not have to put in overtime to get a promotion. It is a juggling act to meet our daily obligations with our need to let our loved one know we continue to value them. It is easy to feel lonely and undervalued when we are no longer the focus of what limited free time we have once the 'must haves’ of mortgage and groceries have been met.

What is their passion? What was their dream job as a child? What is on their bucket list? This will give you an idea of their passions. The book The Passion Test provides a window into this question, but barring that, ask questions that will assist you in ascertaining what is valued. What do they talk about a lot? What do they get excited about? What activity do they devote a lot of time to? Can you not call them on Saturday night when hockey is on? Does she book spa days when you would like her to join you for family activities? How will this play out over a lifetime?

It is a great idea to understand how your individual styles will blend in order to understand if your journey as a couple will be smooth sailing or choppy waters. If one is devoted to career and another family this will lead to conflict. If he is passionate about cars and rebuilding them every spare moment, how will you handle that? If she insists she talk every night for several hours to her best friend, but you want together time will you feel shortchanged? While we do not need to do everything together, trying to understand and appreciate what they love and maybe sometimes share in these interests shows a loving spirit.

When one has an outside passion that seems to take too much time away from (at least in the other's eyes) couple time, we need to find a way to navigate this. Can we find a way to include them, can we cut back on this activity, can the other find some way to spend their free time? How will you handle this?

Warren contends a person's decision to spend time with you is important, as time is finite in quantity. He calls it ‘your most precious gift’. "When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you will never get back." Similar to this, a friend gave me flowers and stated that flowers show how much someone cares as they are something that has a finite benefit, you are worth something that will die shortly and serve no benefit like food might.

Men don't understand this, Warren suggests. Women seem to naturally take care of everyone's needs, to make sure everyone is happy and have what they need. He hears men express exasperation that they work hard to provide money and luxuries, but it never seems enough. What matters is how much we give of ourself. People want to know they matter enough that you will stop and listen, lend a hand, not merely something else that needs to be squeezed into their schedule.

We need to, over the course of our relationship, ensure that we carve out time for nurturing our bond. Warren asks us to question our self, “Honestly, are relationships my first priority?"

What Matters to Them?

Everyone has a currency. Do they share their currency with you? Does this mesh with what you value?

“Tell me what you pay attention to and I will tell you who you are.” José Ortega y Gasset

Early in a relationship, we can’t get enough time together. Spending time apart feels like torture and there are frequent texts, phone calls, notes left on each other's cars, and the like. It is easy to slip into the mindset that you are their top priority and always will be. Ask anyone who is in a long-term relationship and they will tell you real life sets in and this obsession cools. After the fierce desire for togetherness during a new relationship, it is easy to feel unloved when day to day responsibilities interfere. It is better to know from the beginning what matters to this person, so you have an idea what life will look like after the honeymoon phase.

Rick Warren, in his book The Purpose Driven Life, states that “...the best expression of love is time. If you want to know a person's priorities, just look at how they spend their time.” The importance of someone or something can be measured by how much time we are willing to invest. This is their currency. It may be status, career, or even money. Dr. Phil says we need to “...pay attention to how they treat what they value.” Also, observe if they share what they value with you. If they value family, but doesn’t introduce you to them, are you really important?

In a marriage, we want to believe we should be our beloved’s first priority. Were life a romance movie, we would set off on a moonlit walk and the credits would say, “And they lived happily ever after.” Real life comes with financial pressure, chores, obligations, and strife. The fairy tales of old did not address these. Cinderella did not have a car accident and Prince Charming did not have to put in overtime to get a promotion. It is a juggling act to meet our daily obligations and also let our loved one know we continue to value them. It is easy to feel lonely and undervalued when we are no longer the focus of what limited free time we have once the ‘must haves’ of mortgage and groceries have been met.

What is their passion? What was their dream job as a child? What is on their bucket list? This will give you an idea of their passions. The book The Passion Test provides a window into this question, but barring that, ask questions that will assist you in ascertaining what is valued. What do they talk about a lot? What do they get excited about? What activity do they devote a lot of time to? Can you not call them on Saturday night when hockey is on? How will this play out over a lifetime?

It is a great idea to understand how your individual styles will blend in order to understand if your journey as a couple will be smooth sailing or choppy waters. If one is devoted to career and another family, this will lead to conflict. If he is passionate about cars and rebuilding them every spare moment, how will you handle that? If she insists she talk every night for several hours to her best friend, but you want together time will you feel shortchanged? While we do not need to do everything together, trying to understand and appreciate what they love and maybe sometimes share in these interests shows a loving spirit.

When one has an outside passion that seems to take too much time away from (at least in the other's eyes) couple time, we need to find a way to navigate this. Can we find a way to include them, can we cut back on this activity, can the other find some way to spend their free time? How will you handle this?

Warren contends a person's decision to spend time with you is important, as time is finite in quantity. He calls it ‘your most precious gift’. “When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you will never get back.” Similar to this, a friend gave me flowers and stated that flowers show how much someone cares, as they are something that has a finite benefit, you are worth something that will die shortly and serve no benefit like food might.

Men don't understand this, Warren suggests. Women seem to naturally take care of everyone's needs, to make sure everyone is happy and have what they need. He hears men express exasperation that they work hard to provide money and luxuries, but it never seems enough. What matters is how much we give of ourselves. People want to know they matter enough that you will stop and listen, lend a hand, instead of something else that needs to be squeezed into their schedule.

We need to, over the course of our relationship, ensure that we carve out time for nurturing our bond. Warren asks us to question ourselves, “Honestly, are relationships my first priority?”