What Are Your Long-Term Financial Goals?

“If you aim at nothing, you will hit it every time.” Zig Ziglar

It has been shown that talking about money is uncomfortable and because of this, couples will keep their financial picture under wraps longer than they should. Watch enough reality television and you will see couples shopping for engagement rings before they explore what financial goals they each have and how they plan to achieve them. It isn’t surprising that couples marry without knowing what their spending versus saving style is, how much debt they carry, let alone what they want for their financial future.

As a couple, you should explore what your long-term financial goals are and look at what you will need to do in order to bring them to fruition. Gail Vaz Oxlade – financial writer – advises couples, "Have conversations about what it is you're trying to achieve. Don't just assume you both want to buy a house, and even if you say you want to buy a house, do you want to buy the same kind of house? You have to have the conversations and you can't just assume that the other person is on track with you if you don't ask the question."

Take this example of buying a home... It’s a great financial goal to have, but are you really prepared? People buy a house and get underwater because they forgot about taxes, condo fees, or closing costs. The cost for heat is too high or the roof needs a repair. In addition to being prepared to meet such goals, it’s important to know whether your partner shares the same dream.

Do you want to own a house? Is it doable in the area you are currently living? Can you afford it on your own or will you need a co-signer? At your present salary, how long will it take to save for a down payment?

Do you want children? Do you know the cost to raise a child is more than two hundred thousand dollars? Will one of you stay home instead of working to cut on childcare costs? Does one or both of you want the best of everything for your children, including private school?

Do you want a vacation property? A boat? A yearly tropical vacation?

Don’t forget retirement. It may seem so very far away when you are young, but it’s never too soon to plan. Do you want to retire at fifty-five?

What about funeral expenses? Are you planning ahead for things like this? The average funeral in Canada costs between five and ten thousand dollars! Do you want to leave an inheritance for any children you may have?

In addition to the needs of life, what are your dreams? Have you always wanted a horse? Does your partner want to visit France? You might think not all goals are financial goals, but often they are. You want to get a pilot’s license? How are you going to pay for it? You want to spend the night in a European castle? How will you pay for your flight there? All the bucket list items we have likely have a price tag attached.

All this requires planning. It may even be wise to sit down with a financial planner and obtain a second opinion on whether your goals are achievable at your current income levels and get some advice as to how you can best work towards them.

Once you agree on what your goals are as a couple, set down a plan on how you will achieve them. Not all of us are great at handling finances. Both parties should know what is going on in this regard, but based on money managing skills, one may be the better choice to hold the reins. And even if you’re taking equal roles in money managing, it’s important to ensure you’re on the same page, so bills aren’t being paid twice – or not at all – because of miscommunication.

Have You Answered Dr. Aron's Thirty-Six Questions?

 “The more you know about the past, the better prepared you are for the future.” - Theodore Roosevelt

Husband and wife psychologists Arthur and Elaine Aron, (1997) postulated that the connection between strangers could be accelerated by asking each other personal questions. He came up with thirty-six questions that start off being fairly innocuous, but become more thought provoking, require more in depth answers, and are increasingly personal. Following the test, the subjects were asked to gaze into each others’ eyes in silence for four minutes. Doing this exercise, requiring about forty-five minutes, can lead to closeness and intimacy and, given the right circumstances, falling in love.

The point of the original experiment was not to make people fall in love, but to produce temporary deep emotional closeness. The study states, “Are we producing real closeness? Yes and no. We think that the closeness produced in these studies is experienced as similar in many important ways to felt closeness in naturally occurring relationships that develop over time.” Though the point was not to produce marriage, two of the original test subjects, who were strangers prior, went on to marry just six months later.

The test did not become widely known until the New York Times printed its Modern Love column (by Mandy Len Catron) after she put the questions to the test on a blind date. She says of the experience, “The questions reminded me of the infamous boiling frog experiment in which the frog doesn’t feel the water getting hotter until it’s too late. With us, because the level of vulnerability increased gradually, I didn’t notice we had entered intimate territory until we were already there, a process that can typically take weeks or months.”

The bonding that this test creates has made its way into couples therapy with these questions being assigned as a way to allow couples struggling with their marriage to reconnect. The questions with their increasing intensity require us to display our vulnerabilities and highlight our sameness.

Set 1

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?4. What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set 2

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set 3

25. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling _______."

26. Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share _______."

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

The Arons, of their test, stated, “On the other hand, it seems unlikely that the procedure produces loyalty, dependence, commitment, or other relationship aspects that might take longer to develop.” While this is a great beginner exercise to get you familiar with one another, I believe the more questions you ask the better. There is a caveat however: this only helps if you are as honest as possible.

Is There a Family Member that May Require Extra Support?

“People will sooner aid a sick dog lying on the sidewalk than to try to find shelter for a sick person. It's too much to deal with.” Michael Zaslow

Some of us come with baggage in the form of relatives potentially needing a helping hand. Not all people are created equal, nor do we all have the same opportunities. It is not unusual to see families providing additional support to a member when their life circumstances hit a rough patch.

Some have siblings with handicaps, mental health issues, or drug use that may render them, at some point, needing a place to live or aid in finding the social assistance they need to maintain a roof over their head and food in their stomach. It can be a bit like having another child. Some also have relatives that are perpetually a bit low on funds or need bailing out of jail.

I walk daily by homeless people, some due to mental health issues and some through drug addiction. I wonder about their families. Did they try to help, but just became exhausted or have they turned their back on them? What would you do if this was a part of your partner’s family?

It may be something you are just used to if it is your own family and it’s all you ever knew, but if this is your partner’s family, you may not want to be so charitable. It is important to look at your partner’s family make up to see if there is a member that may, somewhere down the line, require help from you both and discuss how this may play out and what you both are willing to do or give.

Look too at what diseases run in the family. This will give you an idea of what you may face down the line. If there is a history of Huntington's, your partner and their siblings each have a fifty percent chance of inheriting this disorder. It presents in middle age after people have had children. Would you be willing to have a sibling inflicted with this live with you or take over the care of their children?

Most young people have their parents still around and though it may be very far in the future, they may need your help down the line, much as they took care of you as a child. There are cultures where the parents will be readily taken in and others where a care home is found. Though this may be decades away, it is good to see how you each feel on the topic. There is little worse than having a mother-in-law you abhor suddenly sitting at your breakfast table every morning.

Do not assume that you will each do for your own family. You may find that you take in a family member, but it is the opposite partner that ends up dealing with it. The wife is driving her mother-in-law to the doctor, the husband has the credit to co-sign a loan for his wife’s sister. If or when things go badly, it then becomes an issue between the wife and husband.

My mom was diagnosed with cancer only when it reached the stage where nothing could be done. She didn’t have long to live. At that moment, the most important thing in the world to me was to spend as much time as possible with her. I sat at her bedside, I slept on a cot at the foot of her hospital bed. I did this for the two weeks she had left. Is this something your partner would support you doing? Would they take on childcare and put up with the loss of two weeks of income?

Some of this may seem like an easy yes, but what if the family member is one you have had a troubling past with? It is always easier said than done. You may find after opening your home that the dynamics are far more irritating than you imagined or harmful to the dynamics of the family unit. Maybe your brother-in-law starts hoarding in your home. Maybe your niece is stealing from your wallet. Maybe you can’t keep up with bills because the loan you co-signed is not being repaid. It is always good to have ‘what if’ conversations with your partner. There may be a very different desire to help and if you can get on the same page before there is an issue, you will be able to better navigate any storms.

Extra Support - Worksheet

 

1. Would you loan money or give money?

2. Under what circumstances would you give money to a family member to pay necessities?

3. If you made a loan and it wasn’t repaid what lengths would you go to to get it back?

4. Would you put your own future at risk to help (i.e. taking a loan or putting it on a card)?

5. Would you give up on luxuries (e.g. tropical vacations) to help?

6. Would you co-sign on a mortgage or car loan? If so for who?

7. Would you give bail money to a family member?

8. Would you help them catch up on child support?

9. Are you willing to pay their fines?

10. Would you pay for drug rehab?

11. Will you provide aid and money to a sibling going through a divorce?

12. Would you add a person to your cell plan that was not in your immediate family unit?

13. Would you let a family member turn on utilities in your name?

14. Would you lend money to your child’s girlfriend or boyfriend?

15. If there was a teen pregnancy would you pay for the raising of the child?

16. Would you take in a niece or nephew to prevent them from going into foster care? For how long?

17. Is institutionalization ever okay in your view?

18. What problematic genetic conditions run in your families?

19. Would you take over the care of a special needs sibling when your parents can no longer do so?

20. Would one of you give up a job to act as a caregiver?

21. Would you be a guardian of a mentally ill or disabled family member?

22. What do you consider a disability worthy of help (e.g. social anxiety)?

23. Would you consider buying a house with a rental suite to house a family member at no cost?

24. Would you let a family member live with you short term? Long term?

25. Would you take in a person escaping domestic violence even if this may present danger to you?

26. When your parents are old and frail will they live with you?

27. Would you pay for housing or an aide for an aging parent?

28. If an incident like COVID was hitting seniors homes would you bring a family member to isolate with you to hopefully protect them?

29. Are you willing to drive your aged in laws to appointments and take them shopping?

30. Would you be willing to do personal care for an aged relative like changing bandages or bathing?

31. Would you keep doing what you were to help if it became harmful to your family?

32. Would any of these situations extend to friends? If so how close of friend?

Have You Clearly Defined What has Brought You Together?

Ask someone why they got married and they will probably answer something like, 'I thought it was the right thing to do' or 'It felt right'. Simon Sinek, in his book Start with Why, states that the reason we are not more clear is that gut feelings come from the limbic part of the brain and this part of the brain does not have a language function. His book, though modelled for a business setting, can be helpful in looking at relationships.

Sinek postulates that most people in business focus on what they are doing, as it is easiest to describe and is where their vision is clearest; they want to sell coats, for example. What is the result of the action, like starting a book at the last chapter. How is also fairly simple to determine, but the why – the purpose or belief behind what they want to do – is harder to elucidate. From this notion, we can assume that many businesses fail because the head of the company is working backwards – in Sinek's view – and may never be clear on the why of it all. As he states, customers buy into the why of the business, not the what.

To extrapolate this information to relationships, we will not achieve the what (i.e. happily ever after) if we do not know the why. I can no longer remember where I read this, but the following quote expresses this thought well; "Get the Why of your marriage right, fill your marriage with the right Hows, and you have a much better chance of a successful What – a great and lasting marriage." As someone who has gone through a divorce, a lot of time and energy goes into understanding why it ended. It would have been so much less heartbreaking to have invested in understanding why it began.

I have already talked about the why of relationships in terms of why you chose this person. Now, I talk more of: do your why and their why coincide? We tend to assume that people see the world the same way we do and so we may not ask the big questions that would indicate a symbiotic pairing. I know of weddings that take place before the question of whether they both want children ever came up and not surprisingly, these marriages sometimes did not end well.

What is your 'why' in entering a committed relationship? To have children? Financial gain? Belonging? Will you both be happy living in the same area? How will children be raised? Will one of you put the other through school? Will you both climb the corporate ladder?

Daphne Kingma, in her book Coming Apart, looks at helping us understand why we came together in the first place. It’s advisable to spend the necessary time to understand this before the walk down the aisle than spending time and money on therapy and legal bills to undo the tangled web a married life becomes. She encourages people to define what tasks you hope to accomplish by choosing this person to marry.

We need to know who we are and what makes us tick. It is known that the early years of life is when the brain is most rapidly developing. Some studies suggest who we are is largely determined by our first seven years. Early life experiences are important in defining who we become, the scripts we are likely to play out, and the lessons we need to learn.

It is Kingma's position that our life plays out according to emotional patterns established in our childhood. "...we try so hard to duplicate our early experience through our adult love relationships..." Is the script you are playing out a method to make up for things lacking in your childhood? Or is it just assigning meaning to what occurred in your younger years? Do you see within your partner the means to help you grow through what you need to learn. Someone who grew up in a home filled with chaos and instability may need a structured secure home in which to understand the person they are and to develop confidence to be all they can be. She goes on further to state that a marriage will end when the developmental task of one or both have been resolved – "...we have learned basically who we are.”

Kingma, in helping people understand the ending of a relationship in Coming Apart, suggests exercises that could be done to help you understand where a couple stands before deciding to make a life together. You need to look at what you are both trying to accomplish, what your relationship status has been for the past while, and what development tasks you each may be trying to complete.

Sadly, couples do not ask enough questions before they decide what they feel will last a life time and solve all their problematic concerns. Songs, poems, and movies describe that over the moon feeling we have when we are madly and passionately in love with that special someone. Research and life experience teach us that this intensity of feeling lasts only between six and thirty months. Having an understanding of this and how love is likely to change over a lifetime will lead to better outcomes for a couple. What script do you see yourself playing out, individually and as a couple? What roles? Do you have similar purposes? You need to determine how compatible you are as individuals but also in terms of life goals.

There are a myriad of questions one should ask or otherwise ascertain about the other before you bind yourself to them. Will you have children? Where will you live? If a great job is offered in Timbuktu will you take it? How is money handled? Will you be members of a specific religion? How comfortable are you with talking about sex? The more questions you ask the better.

Kingma asks, "If you have not defined what it is that brought you together, how will you know if it's working?"