“No one likes doing chores. In happiness surveys, housework is ranked down there with commuting as activities that people enjoy the least. Maybe that's why figuring out who does which chores usually prompts, at best, tense discussion in a household and, at worst, outright fighting.” Emily Oster
Most fights in marriage are over money, but I hazard division of labour has to be second. Back in the fifties, what roles we played in a marriage was easy. The woman took care of the house and children and the man worked and took care of the messy jobs like changing the oil. With the equal rights of women, we were to enjoy the freedoms of men, and women joined the work force. Now, many families are dual income and the equal rights fight has given way to the battle of household responsibility.
A good discussion to have is about how each set of parents handled household responsibility and what worked and what did not. My father never changed a diaper. My mom never mowed the lawn. When we come from traditional homes, we may have an unintentional mindset of tasks as being gender specific.
Studies show that working women do more housework and childcare then men and this trend does not appear to be abating. Even in households that report a high degree of male participation, the woman is still doing more. Few enjoy housework – it is like being on a hamster wheel... You do the dishes and the next day, you eat breakfast and there are more dishes. You spend the day doing laundry and at the end of the day undress, making more laundry!
While the trend is that women are doing more, is there a reason for this? I have observed women ‘correcting’ the way their husband undertakes household or childcare tasks. Women then question why their husband is not helping. Would you help if you had dressed your child for daycare, then your wife complained the outfit did not match and redressed them? Would you pitch in to cook if your wife would not eat what you made because it was spiced wrong?
Men ask, ‘Why does she care anyway?’ Men see dust on the coffee table and still put their feet on it and watch the game. It still holds their beer, so what does dust matter? Women see their home as a reflection of themselves. A house that is dirty shows they are a failure. Part of nurturing is making sure those they hold near and dear are secure and safe.
Kin Hubbard makes this point in defence of his brethren, “The fellow who owns his own home is always coming out of a hardware store.” Men, it is touted, are not getting a fair representation in these studies. The research is biased in that these studies minimize or completely fail to look at jobs traditionally done by men: changing the oil, mowing the lawn, home repairs. It is also pointed out that, on average, males that are employed full-time work more hours than women employed full-time. If you factor in the male’s longer work hours and the time spent doing ‘man’s work’, there is actually very little difference.
Women counter that the chores traditionally done by men are of a less then everyday nature, changing the oil happens a few times a year, yet food preparation happens several times a day.
Some men report they would help with housework more if their wife helped with outside chores. Fair enough. Though women are becoming more independent, many women do not know about the workings of cars or furnaces. There is no science, though, to raking leaves or cleaning the gutters. Men need to remember, in the same way women should not critique a man’s cleaning efforts, a man should not tell his spouse that it looks like a gorilla mowed the lawn.
Is there a meeting of the minds over what clean looks like? What is an appropriate supper? If someone has done the job, even if it is not up to your standards, do not redo it. When a spouse undertakes a task, we need to understand that it may not be done as you would...there may be crumbs on the counter or every dish in the house is dirty after cooking. People’s comfort level with clutter or dirt is different. It only matters that they tried. We also should not need to be reminded over and over. No one likes to be nagged, but if the garbage is something you agreed to do and the can is overflowing, what do you expect?
Use the chore list to figure out who will do what job. We all have tasks we hate, like cleaning the bathroom. It is important to know what your partner hates doing, so perhaps you can take on this job. And, if you both hate it, rotate. Maybe a fair way to view this is hours spent. If someone really is working more hours outside the home, this should be relevant.
One last note that may make all of this seem more important: John Gottman, PhD, states, “Women find a man’s willingness to do housework extremely erotic.” As one woman told me, “If he wants to turn me on, clean a bathroom.”