“People will sooner aid a sick dog lying on the sidewalk than to try to find shelter for a sick person. It's too much to deal with.” Michael Zaslow
Some of us come with baggage in the form of relatives potentially needing a helping hand. Not all people are created equal, nor do we all have the same opportunities. It is not unusual to see families providing additional support to a member when their life circumstances hit a rough patch.
Some have siblings with handicaps, mental health issues, or drug use that may render them, at some point, needing a place to live or aid in finding the social assistance they need to maintain a roof over their head and food in their stomach. It can be a bit like having another child. Some also have relatives that are perpetually a bit low on funds or need bailing out of jail.
I walk daily by homeless people, some due to mental health issues and some through drug addiction. I wonder about their families. Did they try to help, but just became exhausted or have they turned their back on them? What would you do if this was a part of your partner’s family?
It may be something you are just used to if it is your own family and it’s all you ever knew, but if this is your partner’s family, you may not want to be so charitable. It is important to look at your partner’s family make up to see if there is a member that may, somewhere down the line, require help from you both and discuss how this may play out and what you both are willing to do or give.
Look too at what diseases run in the family. This will give you an idea of what you may face down the line. If there is a history of Huntington's, your partner and their siblings each have a fifty percent chance of inheriting this disorder. It presents in middle age after people have had children. Would you be willing to have a sibling inflicted with this live with you or take over the care of their children?
Most young people have their parents still around and though it may be very far in the future, they may need your help down the line, much as they took care of you as a child. There are cultures where the parents will be readily taken in and others where a care home is found. Though this may be decades away, it is good to see how you each feel on the topic. There is little worse than having a mother-in-law you abhor suddenly sitting at your breakfast table every morning.
Do not assume that you will each do for your own family. You may find that you take in a family member, but it is the opposite partner that ends up dealing with it. The wife is driving her mother-in-law to the doctor, the husband has the credit to co-sign a loan for his wife’s sister. If or when things go badly, it then becomes an issue between the wife and husband.
My mom was diagnosed with cancer only when it reached the stage where nothing could be done. She didn’t have long to live. At that moment, the most important thing in the world to me was to spend as much time as possible with her. I sat at her bedside, I slept on a cot at the foot of her hospital bed. I did this for the two weeks she had left. Is this something your partner would support you doing? Would they take on childcare and put up with the loss of two weeks of income?
Some of this may seem like an easy yes, but what if the family member is one you have had a troubling past with? It is always easier said than done. You may find after opening your home that the dynamics are far more irritating than you imagined or harmful to the dynamics of the family unit. Maybe your brother-in-law starts hoarding in your home. Maybe your niece is stealing from your wallet. Maybe you can’t keep up with bills because the loan you co-signed is not being repaid. It is always good to have ‘what if’ conversations with your partner. There may be a very different desire to help and if you can get on the same page before there is an issue, you will be able to better navigate any storms.