Which 'Big Five' Personality Trait Do You Most Embody?

“Kiss a frog with your eyes wide open. If he turns into a prince you won't miss the transformation, but if he doesn't, you won't be fooled by some wishful illusion in your head.” Richelle E. Goodrich

Trying to fill an opening in a company is tough. The person being interviewed wants the job and will show their best side to entice the employer to hire them. We put on nice clothes, show up early, and answer questions to reflect that we are trustworthy, hard working, and intelligent. The employer, of course, knows this and attempts to ferret out those who truly possess these qualities and those who do not possess the necessary skills or are undependable. Trying to find a partner that we can envision staying with for the long haul is just like this: we work hard when we meet someone to make a good impression. It is only when we know each other better that the cracks in the facade start to show through.

To aid in the process of choosing the right person for a job, tests have been developed to focus on the five basic traits that form a large part of human personality. These ‘big five’ traits are: Agreeableness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Neuroticism, and Openness. These traits exist on a continuum and the blend of these five traits in a person is a predictor of their behaviour. These traits are a window into ourselves and, while are helpful in finding an employee, they are also a predictor of marital outcomes.

Just like it sounds, a person who is high in agreeableness is cooperative, sympathetic, and friendly. Someone on the disagreeable end of this continuum is far more concerned with meeting their own needs than extending themselves for others.

Conscientiousness is a desire to do a thorough and competent job. People high in this attribute will be careful, efficient, organized, and take tasks seriously. It is also found they are safer drivers and live longer. On the other hand, people who are lacking in conscientiousness have poor follow-through, act impulsively, are unprepared, and have less concern for others. They are also more likely to engage in criminal or anti-social behaviour.

We are all familiar with the term extraversion – or as it is commonly spelled extroversion – and envision the life of the party. They are seen as talkative, gregarious, energetic, and highly social. Carl Jung coined the term, asserting that people high in this attribute gain gratification outside themselves. People low on this scale will be quiet, aloof, and find too much social interaction draining. These people have rich inner lives and seek gratification internally.

Neuroticism is a very loaded word and forms of this are bandied about as an insult. Neuroticism should not be confused with neurosis. Neurosis was once a diagnosis used by doctors to describe mental health issues, neuroticism is a personality trait that does not impair daily functioning. People high in this trait are more likely to have severe levels of fear, anxiety, worry, depressed moods, and be more sensitive to stressors. If you score on the low end, you are calm, balanced, emotionally stable, and less likely to be upset by external stress.

Openness should not be confused with extraversion. Openness in this sense relates to imagination, sense of adventure, and open-mindedness. Conversely, if you are low in this attribute, you will be cautious, rigid, and struggle with change, preferring routine.

In any partnership, though especially loving relationships, we desire someone that possesses the qualities that will ensure a happy and healthy long-term pairing. Taking this test can help with this. Before you show your score to your beloved, ask a close friend or relative to take the test about you. Results have shown that friends will be able to rate you more honestly than you rate yourself. Once you compare all the test results, you can gauge if you can work together in a fashion that will ensure a happier ever after.

Not surprisingly, individuals who have a high degree of agreeableness and conscientiousness tend to have greater relationship satisfaction. Low levels of these were possible predictors of infidelity. High levels of extraversion indicate we are with someone fun to be with, but as David Schmidt (2008) found, this personality type can be linked to short-term mating. Sadly, for someone high in neuroticism, relationship outcomes are less positive. Openness, however, factors very little in how well things work out for couples.

This data is helpful in knowing what will work and what would be a bad idea within the relationship. If someone fears change, you might not want to throw them a surprise party. If someone is high in extraversion, a week long silent retreat is unlikely to be on their vacation bucket list.

Be wary, though, of choosing someone very similar to you if you are in it for the long haul. Michelle Shiota & Robert Levenson (2007) found that while we are happy in our youth to be with someone similar to us in these attributes, in our later years we are not.

Is One Person Doing Most of the Compromising?

“You should not be the one doing all the bending. Compromise is a two-way street.” Oprah Winfrey

If your relationship is like most couples’ there will be a lot of disagreements over the years, big and small. Whether to take a job in another city, to paint the room blue or green, to order pizza or burgers. The way a healthy relationship works is that sometimes you get your way and sometimes they do...and sometimes, you meet in the middle and order tacos.

Some people are really good at compromising. They would win the Nobel prize at compromising. These are people-pleasers. Some do so in order to feel safe, some to keep the peace, but some genuinely care more about the other person than eating the last slice of pizza. Some are not at all good at bending. They use phrases like: My way or the highway.

While dating, if you disagree on the type of movie to see, who gives in? When you have different opinions on a restaurant, where do you eat? It may seem harmless at the time. It may feel like, ‘I love them so what does it matter?’ Dating is actually a job interview... People date because they want something. Asexual hermits do not date. So, if your partner is someone who feels entitled to always get their way, what are you saying by always giving in? This is a pattern that may play out through the rest of your marriage.

To have a healthy relationship, we need to have give and take. Ideally, we should have learned sharing as toddlers... I see families where they play games, but always let the child win; they are not doing them a service. In real life, they won’t always succeed...someone will get a better grade, someone else will get the job, they won’t win the lottery. This is a person who may grow up lacking in an ability to handle the discomfort of not getting their way. Is this someone you want to spend forever with?

I feel you can learn a lot by observing those close to your partner. Do they engage in win-lose discussions? Does one person always lead? If you wish to avoid this, in the early part of the relationship you need to set the tone. Insist on sometimes picking the activity. If this relationship is worth pursuing, your partner will accept this with charm and grace.

Ask yourself what the balance of power looks like in this relationship. If someone is always leading, always making the decisions, then the relationship is lopsided. This isn’t the 1950’s, when the wife stayed home and had the husband’s pipe and slippers waiting. This configuration is now in the minority. Why, then, should we not have equal say in what is happening in our home and our life?

If you are a people-pleaser, you could become a doormat that ends up feeling all used up down the road. If you are with a selfish person, you will end up living out their hopes and dreams and not yours. You will wake up one day and realize you are very unfulfilled. You may even feel like a part of the furniture.

Are women better at compromise? Researcher Aaron Ben-Zeev Ph.D. finds that when women are young, they are more likely to make compromises in their relationships, men when they are old. I speak in other articles about how testosterone affects the way in which men make decisions. They make snap decisions and think they are right. They may feel, due to the way they are socialized, that as the man, they need to display leadership and show that they know what is right for the relationship. As we age, men’s testosterone declines – as does women’s estrogen –so we can meet in the middle and make decisions together. That does not help us when we are first starting out, but this knowledge does.

You should be making shared decisions. To be sneaky and do things to get your own way breaks down trust. To yell and intimidate to win breaks down your connection. The ability to compromise within a relationship shows a sense of teamwork. A relationship is not a me versus you situation. If one partner always wins, the relationship loses.