How Will You Deal With the 'Seven Year Itch'?

“The classic 'seven-year itch' may not be a case of familiarity breeding ennui and contempt, but the shock of having someone you thought you knew all too well suddenly seem a stranger.” Kathleen Norris

This phrase has been around since the early 1900’s, but didn’t gain popularity until the 1955 movie starring Marilyn Monroe. It is the idea that at seven years, a couple starts looking around to see what and who else is out there. It can also mean that one or both parties are dissatisfied with the relationship or circumstances they are in. Some experts don’t think it’s a real thing, but any long-term couple will tell you that there have been times they felt this way, though not necessarily at seven years. Some suggest it is more likely the four year itch, but it seems to depend on where you look. The US Census Bureau reported in 2001 that the average first marriage that ends in divorce lasts just eight years, seeming to give credence to the seven year itch.

The early years of a relationship are called the honeymoon phase. It is that time when you can’t get enough of each other, think everything about them is wonderful, and can’t wait for forever to begin. The excitement or happiness we feel over any situation fades as it becomes part of the fabric of our life. When you first buy a new car, you can barely contain your excitement. You tell everyone, you post pictures on social media, you can’t wait to drive it. After a month, you barely think about it. It becomes routine.

Relationships are the same way, though it is difficult when you are so in love at the beginning to wrap your mind around this. Real life sets in, you go to work, figure out who does what chores. You fight about money. Babies come along. You see each other sick. The phenomenon doesn’t happen because of any big relationship issues, but real life setting in. Part of your vows say: in good times and in bad. Several years in, you are clear on the bad. It makes sense that after seven years you have probably seen who your partner really is.

Part of the blame falls on the way our bodies work. Research has shown that the hormones and chemicals surging through us when love is new is similar to being high. After the honeymoon, our levels of these substances returns to normal. If you’ve ever done something stupid while drunk, you know what it is like the next morning when you sober up.

Research shows after the honeymoon phase you are going to experience some decline in relationship satisfaction. A German fifteen year long study concluded that the honeymoon phase ended and the partners returned to their baseline of happiness two years after their marriage. “...the findings from a 1999 study at Wright State University in Ohio, US, that involved hundreds of newlyweds completing annual psychological tests over the first 10 years of their marriage. The couples’ marital satisfaction tended to drop off sharply over the first four years, then to stabilise (sic) for a while, and finally to begin another descent after seven years – that last result apparently supporting the folk notion of a ‘seven-year itch’.” (Christian Jarrett in Science Focus)

Romantic movies and songs lead us to believe we will always feel this heady feeling we have when we fall in love. Even the fairy tales we were read as children led us to believe it was all rainbows and sunshine after 'I do'. They always ended with '...and they lived happily ever after', rather than with the prince clogging the toilet yet again and the princess spending too much on shoes. We look at our parents and think they must never have felt the way we do.

Studies on happiness suggest we have a set point of happiness. That is, we have a baseline level of happiness determined by our genes, personality, and early experiences. Our level of happiness will rise temporarily in response to circumstances - like falling in love - but will always return to our baseline.

What do you know about your partners happiness set point? Are they like Tigger from Winnie the Pooh or like Eeyore? This is hard to determine as you likely only knew them while you were in love. Ask their parents and friends. Check out pictures of them from childhood onwards. Interestingly, frowning in childhood pictures has been found to correlate to increased likelihood to divorce.

This return to Planet Earth after the heady time of new love doesn’t have to spell the end of a marriage. Many couples move forward. Does your relationship have what it takes? Did you ask the questions before making a commitment? Are you committed to doing the hard work of reconnecting even if it means seeking outside help? Experts tell us love is more than just a feeling, it is a choice. A choice to fight for your relationship. A choice to love them even when you don’t like them.

If at four or five or seven years, you experience this itch, it doesn’t signal that this was a mistake and your relationship is doomed. Studies show there are long-term benefits to marriage. You are going have times in a long term marriage when you hit rough patches. During these times, turn towards each other and not away.