Do They Have Critical Thinking Skills?

"Before you argue with someone, ask yourself, is that person even mentally mature enough to grasp the concept of a different perspective. Because if not, there's absolutely no point." Helen Mirren

COVID has divided us like few other topics have. It is clear that some people are lacking in their ability to look at all the data, analyze it, and come to a clear understanding of the unbiased reality. They can’t get beyond their own feelings and how it is affecting them personally to look at the bigger picture. They are lacking in the ability to think critically.

Critical thinking asks us to look at all available data, both for and against a topic of concern. It requires having an open mind and analyzing both the data and the source of the data. Having weighed it all, you reach an unbiased conclusion. We were all taught this in school, it’s called the scientific method. We were taught to come up with a hypothesis, then tests to measure this hypothesis. It seems, though, that some of us forget this and rely too strongly on our emotions or opinions as fact.

Young children lack critical thinking skills. They know only what they want in the moment. They want a certain toy and grabbing it away from a sibling or friend seems reasonable in filling a want that they have. It is through the guidance of parents, caregivers, and teachers that this child comes to grasp that there is a world beyond their own wants, needs, and opinions.

Some people don’t seem to realize that no matter what your belief, you are likely to find evidence that proves this point. Just look at any criminal trial, there are ‘experts’ on both sides to testify as to the truth of both sides of the same issue. How can the accused be both sane and insane?

How will this affect a relationship? We rely on our partner to make well-reasoned decisions. We don’t want a partner that can’t evaluate critically all these scamming emails and phone calls we receive and end up selling your home for magic beans. We don’t want a partner who puts us in danger. We don’t need a life filled with missed opportunities. We need a partner, especially if we want to have children, that has not just common sense, but an ability to look at a situation, assess it, and come up with a well thought out and reasoned reaction. If there is flood warning, perhaps a good approach is look at the news to see if it will affect your area, and if so, to pack up the valuables and necessities and call Grandma to see if you can come visit. Waiting until the flood waters are pouring in the basement windows may be too late.

What are some traits of people that lack critical thinking?

They are lacking in impulse control.

They repeat the same mistakes.

They make assumptions.

They lack self reflection.

They take their own opinion as fact.

They jump to conclusions.

There is an over reliance on emotions.

They go along with the crowd.

They are unaware of their biases.

They don’t look at the source of information or fact check.

They fail to look at the big picture of a situation.

They lack the ability to see things from another’s perspective.

They are lacking the ability to accept they may be wrong.

There is no ability to predict the consequences of an action.

There is a lack of problem solving skills.

They act based on wishful thinking.

There is objectivity when making a decision.

When we find ourselves in a relationship with someone that lacks the ability to move through life with a critical eye, we wind up in one of two outcomes. Either, we are blind to our partners lack of critical skills and, as a result, we are forever behind the eight ball. We are often short on money for our bills. We buy cars we can’t afford. We miss out on the daycare slot because we didn’t heed advice to get on the waiting list. The other way this can go is if we, eventually, see the lack and take charge. Life then becomes similar to a parent/child relationship. Rather than feeling we are an equal partnership, we become a babysitter. Making them turn over their pay cheque. Monitoring where they go and what sites they visit on the internet. Are either of these how you want to live out your days?

Does Your Relationship Have the Nine Traits of Fellowship?

“Unfortunately, many people grow up in families with unhealthy relationships, so they lack the relational skills needed for real fellowship.” Rick Warren

At a difficult time in my life, I read The Purpose Driven Life, seeking solace. One part of the book struck me as being not just how we should approach our fellow man, but traits needed in any healthy, happy, and supportive marriage. Warren states the nine traits are: Authenticity, Mutuality, Sympathy, Mercy, Honesty, Humility, Courtesy, Confidentiality, and Frequency. I have taken much of the information in this post from his book The Purpose Driven Life.

• Authenticity: “We share our true feelings.”

  • When we marry, we should know who our partner is – the good, the bad, and the ugly. We should have looked at them without rose-coloured glasses to get an idea if they are a good match for us. So too, we should have been completely open with our partner about who we are. Too often, partners run into trouble when they stop being honest about what they think and feel, so they have no chance of working to resolve issues.

• Mutuality: “We encourage each other.”

  • The wants, needs, and dreams of our partner should be something we are aware of and support them in achieving. We should want the best for each other and our partnership. Cooperation and collaboration are necessary skills we should bring into our relationships.

• Sympathy: “We support each other.”

  • Our home and family should be a soft and safe place for us to land. When we are hurt, scared, or weary, we need our tribe to help us, heal us, and protect us. More than any other person, we expect this from our spouse. To truly have a deep connection, we need to have empathy to understand what the other feels and needs.

• Mercy: “We forgive each other.”

  • We are going to mess up. This should be included in the saying, ‘there are only two things certain in life: death and taxes’. When we do and we have apologized and made meaningful amends, we should be forgiven. In relationships, when we have to pay over and over for a mistake for which we have sincerely taken steps to overcome, it creates distance.

• Honesty: “We speak the truth in love.”

  • It is hard to have trust in a situation where we don’t have a clear picture of what is occurring. In order to feel safe in our relationship, we need to know our partner is sharing all vital information with us and is not lying, cheating, or blurring the truth. “Most people have no one in their lives who loves them enough to tell them the truth (even when it’s painful), so they continue in self-destructive ways.”

• Humility: “Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.”

  • A team functions not by each player thinking of themselves, but in working together as a unit. They have a common goal and make a plan on achieving that for the betterment of all. A good relationship is the same: we have a common purpose and dreams and will give and take to get there. In a relationship, it may mean we don’t always get our way, but do often enough.

• Courtesy: “We respect our differences.”

  • We are often more polite to strangers than our partners. We show more grace and understanding of people we aren’t close to. Treating our partner with not just civility, but the same good manners as our boss or a respected member of the community can go a long way to ensuring a friendship within our marriage.

• Confidentiality: “We do not gossip.”

  • What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. A marriage should be the same way. (This doesn’t include abuse!) There is nothing worse than trying to solve a relationship issue when you have family members and friends taking sides. We need to be honest and open in our relationship. That can leave you feeling vulnerable, but you should have the knowledge that anything we say or do will stay between you and your partner.

• Frequency: “Relationships take time.”

  • People drift apart when they don’t make time for each other and for their marriage. Anything that isn’t nurtured eventually dies.

How Does Your Partner Handle Frustration?

“All frustrations are self-induced. The outside world can invite us to become upset, but we ultimately accept the invitation.” Unknown

I once had to change a light bulb that had burnt out on my porch. Easy, right? Except the glass part of the bulb came off in my hand leaving the base in the socket. The weather had caused a bit of corrosion that left the bulb slightly rusted to the socket. There are different ways to handle this pressure, some more acceptable than others. A reasonable response would be to call a handyman or research on the internet how to deal with this. For some people, though, this would send them over the edge. Some might cry, scream, punch the wall, or just live without a functioning light. How would your partner react?

Some people are unflappable in the face of life’s troubles. No matter how many obstacles get thrown in their path, they find a way to navigate them. There is another group that falls to pieces at the first sign of trouble, like a toddler denied candy at the grocery store. Thankfully, the ability to handle frustration, like many other attributes, is on a spectrum with most people falling somewhere in the middle.

People who suffer from low frustration tolerance (LFT) are likely to give up as soon as they encounter resistance. They likely possess a pile of unfinished projects. They often miss deadlines. They are also likely to always be pawning their work off onto others. When they find themselves in a situation where they must perform, such as when their boss is watching, they are likely to get angry, stressed, or exhibit other signs that they are uncomfortable like sweating profusely, swearing, or blaming others for why things aren’t working.

It has also been suggested that a low ability to handle frustration is the cause in most cases for procrastination. These individuals, when things don’t go smoothly, will give up. Or, if they even believe a task will be difficult, will suddenly realize they need to alphabetize the spice rack so they have to delay the task indefinitely. Maybe even forever.

What does this mean for a relationship? A partner who doesn’t handle obstacles well is going to struggle with the ups and downs that are part of any relationship. Being part of a healthy relationship is going to mean that sometimes we don’t get our way. Sometimes we are going to disagree and argue. A person who can tolerate a moderate or high amount of frustration will deal with this pretty well. What about someone with LFT? A young woman on television said it best, “...when he doesn’t get his way he freaks out.” Do you want a partner that is always having temper tantrums? Do you want to always be blamed for any difficulties? Do you always want to give in to avoid these childish reactions? Is it easier to give in than be pestered until you do?

We need a partner that is reliable, that can keep their wits about them in a crisis. We want someone that can handle a home repair without losing their cool. We want a partner that will be able to keep a job. If children or pets are part of the package, we want a person that can deal with the mess and the demands that are part of this. We need a partner with patience and coping skills.

Handling frustration is also an ability needed in handling the rough parts of a relationship. Arguing with a partner will cause an emotional and perhaps physical response in even the most well-adjusted individual. They might say things they shouldn’t or not resolve the issue properly. Someone that struggles with LFT is even more likely to lash out, run away at the first sign of trouble, or make things worse. You may, in the entirety of the relationship, fail to resolve even one issue satisfactorily. Being in love with a partner with LFT will find that when something goes wrong, such as the babysitter cancelling, you always have to handle it. You may feel, at times, like you are the only adult in the relationship.

Write a List of the Top Twenty Qualities and Abilities that are Important to you in a Partner

It has been shown that the clearer we are on our goals, the more likely we are to achieve them. Goals need to be defined and measurable. It is fine to say, 'I want to be rich', but what is rich? Is it to have a million in the bank? To own a vacation home in a tropical local? To be able to give up your day job? Top athletes and business owners are successful because they set goals that give them focus and direction.

While the traits we want in a partner are not goals, we need to put consideration into what we want and who will help us to achieve this. In making your list, you should be looking down the road. It may be fun to have a partner that likes to go out dancing and drinking every weekend, but if you want two kids eventually, are they going to one day be okay spending weekends on the couch watching Disney movies? Putting thought into what traits are in line with who we are and how we would like our life to turn out could prevent fights and heartache down the line. Just as we can feel like we are on a hamster wheel – never really achieving anything – if we do not set concrete goals, if you do not put thought into what makes Mr. or Mrs. Right, how will you know when you have found them? I know I sound like a buzzkill, but if love was the only ingredient required in happily ever after, the divorce rate would not be close to fifty percent of marriages. The more we can look at our romance critically, the better chance we have at ‘til death do us part.

Research has also shown that if goals are written down, this holds us accountable to work towards them. This is why it is good to put on paper what traits are important to you in a partner. Write down the top twenty things you feel are essential qualities in a partner. We are all different in what we value, but we should be clear about what is important so we do not compromise just because we do not want to be alone.

Some of the traits listed in studies, like courage and strength are desirable, but it is less clear how you measure them on a typical date unless you are held up at gun point. You should limit your twenty items to things easily determined. Having a steady job, living independently, non-smoking are things that are not subjective. Examine your list critically. Are the items on your list really important or are they things you can live without? A sense of humour, for instance, would be nice, but would you truly turn away a partner that is humourless but dependable, loyal, and treats well?

Once you have your list, look at your partner. Ideally, they check off all the boxes. If they do not, weigh if the item is something you can live with or whether there is something to be done about it. If they are still living in their mother's basement, you could suggest that they move out and see what it is like making their own way before you live together. You will find out if you mean enough to them to make important changes. Conversely, your partner should hold you up to the same scrutiny. Is your love for them strong enough that you will make the changes they deem necessary?

Did your lists include looks or financial means or the potential for financial success? These may not have made the list as these seem like things we joke about; men are looking for a hottie and women wealth. Research has found that the stereotype holds across countries and cultures. There is a whole host of research into the biology of the why of this is but it is unnecessary here. Psychologist, David Buss, in his research found our evolutionary history has this hard wired into us. Though you may not have these on your list, it likely is a factor. Fifty six percent of Americans actually value financial stability over love (Abby Rodman, psychotherapist).

Once you have completed your list, you may find that your beloved is lacking in a lot of ways. You may choose to move forward anyway because you are in love. At the very least, you will be aware of what weaknesses this partnership possesses and can be ready for the ways you may need to step up in order to have the relationship survive. It may be you considered a consistent work history important, yet their resume is a string of year-long stints while they try to find the right fit. This may mean you need to take on the role of principle bread winner and only take on as much debt as your salary alone affords.

Going through this exercise may help you to determine if they are the right person for now or forever. It may even help you clarify what you want from life, as this exercise should help you see into the future – separately and as a couple. If you took this seriously, it may not be the ending you want. Walking away from someone you care for is difficult and painful, but so too is a life of fights and unhappiness.