What is the Cost of Being in this Relationship and Are You Willing to Pay It?

 “When you choose an action, you choose the consequences of that action." - Lois McMaster Bujold

When you find a partner to share your life with, you are choosing all the traits, habits, and genes that make them who they are – some good, some bad. In blending our lives, we are going to have to expect that life will not always go the way we want. Sharing space is not easy; television is filled with shows that either make light of this, like The Odd Couple, or real-life dramas like Fear Your Roommate, where someone ends up dead. How well do you really know this person?

Whenever two people live together, there is give and take and we will not always see eye to eye. Even among siblings who share genetics and a similar upbringing, there is conflict. It is not surprising, then, that those who are without these similarities fight. In a partnership, it is virtually impossible to get one’s way all the time, in particular if a relationship is balanced. Balance is needed in order for the relationship to have health and endurance. Needs will go unfulfilled, we will have to do things we may not want, eat foods we would rather not. It is unrealistic to expect that there is not a price to be paid.

While there will be a payment you need to make, you should not forget that if you are choosing to bond yourself to someone, there are benefits you expect to receive. You would not be doing it otherwise. The costs you will accrue need to be weighed against what you will receive and evaluate the sum total. George Homans calls this ‘Social Exchange Theory’. The gist of this theory is that our interactions entail an exchange in a benefit versus risks fashion. When the risks or detriments outweigh rewards, people walk away from the relationship. If you are thinking this relationship could go the distance, then at this point in time the rewards are high.

Take some time to evaluate what the reward to cost ratio is for each of you. Think of this as what you are going to have to pay, abandon, or do that you do not wish to. Remember life is always in flux, so project yourself into the future.

Will one of you put the other through school? Will one put their career on hold to take care of children? Will you give up a free-wheeling life to mow the lawn on Saturdays? Will you need to move away from family? It is easy sometimes to make these compromises when in the early bloom of love, but in the long run, will it build resentment and will you eventually feel like you missed out on life?

A couple who marries shortly after high school because of a pregnancy may end up with an enduring love, but they will have cut short their own youth. They may have given up higher education and, as research shows, will likely have a lower income. Statistics also suggest they are more likely to divorce.

Traditional marriages in the fifties saw the man as the head of the household, the breadwinner, and the main decision maker. While most North American households are no longer based on this model, some still hold this to be true. A woman in this model lacks independence and power. Would you be okay paying that cost?

My father was out of town for long periods of time, so my mother had to be very independent. When he was in town, routine was thrown out the window and it was often busy as he had limited time to get things done before he had to leave again. The cost to my mom was not having a partner day to day, but also a lack of predictability.

It may be less clear to ascertain what the cost will be for you in your relationship. Is this because the other person has conceded on so many points that you are not giving up anything? While that might feel pretty good, rarely does this form a lasting relationship. At some point, the resentment will cause the teeter-totter to fall to the other side. A spirit of wanting it all your way is a selfishness that is not conducive to be a healthy partnering.

If it seems one will have to sacrifice greatly to be in the relationship, what will life look like when the white hot passion cools? If one does not want children, but agrees just to be together, that person may never be okay having given up lazy Sunday mornings, spontaneous out of town trips, or nights out. They may eventually realize the cost is not something they will continue paying and one may find themselves raising children alone.

It is important to discuss early in a relationship what you both want and see if you can work out a five, ten, or twenty year plan that will allow you to both achieve as many goals as possible. It is a process that probably has to be renegotiated over and over through the ups and downs of life. If you both have an ability to compromise and think creatively, you can come up with a life and love that will endure. Maybe the compromise is you each stay living with your parents until you both get a higher education before you marry. Maybe it is you delay children. If what you have is real, it will be worth working for.

Have You Clearly Defined What has Brought You Together?

Ask someone why they got married and they will probably answer something like, 'I thought it was the right thing to do' or 'It felt right'. Simon Sinek, in his book Start with Why, states that the reason we are not more clear is that gut feelings come from the limbic part of the brain and this part of the brain does not have a language function. His book, though modelled for a business setting, can be helpful in looking at relationships.

Sinek postulates that most people in business focus on what they are doing, as it is easiest to describe and is where their vision is clearest; they want to sell coats, for example. What is the result of the action, like starting a book at the last chapter. How is also fairly simple to determine, but the why – the purpose or belief behind what they want to do – is harder to elucidate. From this notion, we can assume that many businesses fail because the head of the company is working backwards – in Sinek's view – and may never be clear on the why of it all. As he states, customers buy into the why of the business, not the what.

To extrapolate this information to relationships, we will not achieve the what (i.e. happily ever after) if we do not know the why. I can no longer remember where I read this, but the following quote expresses this thought well; "Get the Why of your marriage right, fill your marriage with the right Hows, and you have a much better chance of a successful What – a great and lasting marriage." As someone who has gone through a divorce, a lot of time and energy goes into understanding why it ended. It would have been so much less heartbreaking to have invested in understanding why it began.

I have already talked about the why of relationships in terms of why you chose this person. Now, I talk more of: do your why and their why coincide? We tend to assume that people see the world the same way we do and so we may not ask the big questions that would indicate a symbiotic pairing. I know of weddings that take place before the question of whether they both want children ever came up and not surprisingly, these marriages sometimes did not end well.

What is your 'why' in entering a committed relationship? To have children? Financial gain? Belonging? Will you both be happy living in the same area? How will children be raised? Will one of you put the other through school? Will you both climb the corporate ladder?

Daphne Kingma, in her book Coming Apart, looks at helping us understand why we came together in the first place. It’s advisable to spend the necessary time to understand this before the walk down the aisle than spending time and money on therapy and legal bills to undo the tangled web a married life becomes. She encourages people to define what tasks you hope to accomplish by choosing this person to marry.

We need to know who we are and what makes us tick. It is known that the early years of life is when the brain is most rapidly developing. Some studies suggest who we are is largely determined by our first seven years. Early life experiences are important in defining who we become, the scripts we are likely to play out, and the lessons we need to learn.

It is Kingma's position that our life plays out according to emotional patterns established in our childhood. "...we try so hard to duplicate our early experience through our adult love relationships..." Is the script you are playing out a method to make up for things lacking in your childhood? Or is it just assigning meaning to what occurred in your younger years? Do you see within your partner the means to help you grow through what you need to learn. Someone who grew up in a home filled with chaos and instability may need a structured secure home in which to understand the person they are and to develop confidence to be all they can be. She goes on further to state that a marriage will end when the developmental task of one or both have been resolved – "...we have learned basically who we are.”

Kingma, in helping people understand the ending of a relationship in Coming Apart, suggests exercises that could be done to help you understand where a couple stands before deciding to make a life together. You need to look at what you are both trying to accomplish, what your relationship status has been for the past while, and what development tasks you each may be trying to complete.

Sadly, couples do not ask enough questions before they decide what they feel will last a life time and solve all their problematic concerns. Songs, poems, and movies describe that over the moon feeling we have when we are madly and passionately in love with that special someone. Research and life experience teach us that this intensity of feeling lasts only between six and thirty months. Having an understanding of this and how love is likely to change over a lifetime will lead to better outcomes for a couple. What script do you see yourself playing out, individually and as a couple? What roles? Do you have similar purposes? You need to determine how compatible you are as individuals but also in terms of life goals.

There are a myriad of questions one should ask or otherwise ascertain about the other before you bind yourself to them. Will you have children? Where will you live? If a great job is offered in Timbuktu will you take it? How is money handled? Will you be members of a specific religion? How comfortable are you with talking about sex? The more questions you ask the better.

Kingma asks, "If you have not defined what it is that brought you together, how will you know if it's working?"

Have You Talked About Money?

"Money may not be the most important thing in your life, but it affects everything that is important." - The Rich Dad Company

If you see trouble coming down the road, would you not want to head it off before it gets to you? When a hurricane is headed your way, you board up the windows and stock up on food. This is only good sense. So, why then do most dating couples delay or avoid talking finances? Money issues are the number one cause of fights in a marriage and is commonly reported to be an important reason leading to divorce.

It was told to me growing up that you do not discuss politics, religion, or finances. Talking about money is uncomfortable, it seems to rank right up there with talking about our bodily functions. When you meet someone and they ask about your wealth at the first meeting they would be labelled rude or snoopy. Anthropologist Kimberly Chong states that, "...asking someone what they earn is considered taboo because you are indirectly questioning their personal worth.”

In first world countries, we tend to assign value to people based on attributes such as wealth, status, education, and looks. It is easy to see why people may not be forthcoming about their financial picture. They do not want to be judged to be unworthy. It is understandable why you would not let a friend see all the details of your net worth, yet it is asking for trouble to not do so before entering marriage.

Wells Fargo reported that close to fifty percent of Americans rate personal finances as more challenging to discuss with others then topics such as religion, politics, and death. Similarly Merrill Edge, a division of Merrill Lynch, found that people in significant relationships avoided sharing a clear picture of their financial viability. They postponed this topic until after hitting most major relationship milestones such as being intimate and meeting the parents. Time Magazine cites as many as forty percent of couples marry without discussing first how they will manage money.

Knowing how much debt a person has coming into the marriage is not only important because it is now a joint debt, but it can also make getting a mortgage harder. It seems, though, that debt is one of the hardest areas of finances for us to reveal – sixty percent of people say they did not talk about this with their partner, Merrill Edge found.

An ironic twist to this tendency, most people are more interested in the financial stability of a long term partner than in love. Yet, while most people were interested in the financial resources of their future partner, they held their own cards in this area close to their chest. Before you consider forever together you need to have the talk. The money talk and bare it all, you need to come clear on your relationship to money – that is revealed through salary, spending, savings, and investment and debt. The stupidest thing you’ve done with money and the smartest.

Money is a necessary evil in our world and is an indicator of the stability in our life and in our future. As many people found out during the COVID-19 pandemic, some of us are only a couple paychecks away from ruin. If you do not have to stress every month about what bill can go unpaid or save up just to buy a loaf of bread, life can be pretty sweet. The Rich Dad Company asserts that talking about money and our relationship to it should begin at the start of a relationship and that it is not necessary to find someone who has wealth, but someone who has the same 'financial alignment' as you. It is less about what you have than what you do with it.

Gail Vaz Oxlade host of the show Til Debt Do Us Part, helped couples in financial crisis come up with a plan on how to get out of the red. Some only a few years into marriage were already deeply entrenched in debt. Sadly, too many had not been taught money management and this spawned a spin-off show, Money Morons. She found that even within a relationship, people are not always honest on how money is spent, hiding purchases, bills, and credit cards.

Having a financial conversation before you marry, though very unromantic, will help down the road if you have a clear picture of the debits and credits and how they view money. Money means different things to people. It is important to understand the true value your beloved puts on it. A person’s relationship with money is a window into their personality. Whether you view money as a God or a means to an end, it is a fact of life and a tool to be used. Are your styles complimentary? Prepare a budget and make a plan for the future you want and how you will save to achieve your dreams. People don't plan to fail, they fail to plan.

Having the aforementioned conversations and preparing a budget can be done in conjunction with goal-setting and should be viewed as a means to make your dreams happen. Vaz Oxlade asserts that,"You can get everything you want. All you need is a plan. And how do you spell plan? B-U-D-G-E-T!....if you’re planning to mate and you haven’t sat down to talk about your money, you’re a fool, plain and simple.”

Can a Relationship Work if One Partner is Still in the Closet?

Guest Post: C.J. Fitzpatrick

If you’re a person whose identity falls somewhere under the LGBTQ+ umbrella, you’ve most definitely – at some point in your life – struggled with the quandary of if/when to come out of the ‘closet’... (If you’ve never heard this term before, it means making the choice to openly and publicly identify as queer.)

Coming out is a very vulnerable – and sometimes dangerous – experience for someone, as it may mean losing friends and/or family or even risking physical harm, in some cases. Even when someone’s new identity is fully embraced, it is often still met with a degree of sadness, as parents likely mourn the loss of their child’s imagined future or experience grief knowing that their child’s path will be more difficult.

Coming out is a life-long process. It’s not a one and done thing. In a quote I can no longer find, Sir Ian McKellen talks about how every interaction involves an internal debate about whether or not to address the fact that you aren’t straight, as is assumed to be the default.

A 2019 study by the Yale School of Public Health found that as much as eighty-three percent of the world’s LGBT+ community hides their identity from all or most of the people in their lives. John Pachankis, Ph.D., associate professor of the YSPH said, “Given rapidly increasing acceptance of the sexual minorities in some countries, it might be easy to assume that most sexual minorities are out in 2019, but actually, most sexual minority people in the world today are probably not out.”

Keep in mind, this number may be skewed by the populations of LGBT+ people in countries where same-sex attraction is criminalized and often brutally punished. As well, certain identities – such as gay and lesbian – are more universally accepted than identities such as being transgender.

It’s hard enough to make a relationship work when both of the participants are open about their sexual identity, which begs the question: is it possible for a relationship to work long-term if one partner is still closeted?

My personal feeling is that this answer is going to look different for every individual couple.

First, let’s divide people into two categories: those who place a high importance on queer visibility and those who would rather avoid the attention.

The former category tends to feel that, since a straight couple doesn’t have to hide their relationship, why should a queer couple? Since we’re supposedly all equal, we should be able to act and, therefore, be treated as such. They’re the kind of person who is likely to attend a Pride march or a protest for LGBT+ rights.

The latter is likely someone who prefers not to rock the boat, so to speak. This doesn’t mean they don’t wholly support the fight for LGBT+ rights and may even be involved in the fight, but it’s more likely in a behind-the-scenes manner. This may be because they’ve faced discrimination in the past or they may simply be a quiet, meek person.

Let’s also look at the closeted partner’s situation – namely, whether it’s safe or unsafe.

People have many reasons to stay in the closet, but oftentimes, it boils down to whether it’s safe for them to be out. I, personally, have the great privilege of living in a country where it’s illegal to discriminate against someone based on their sexual preferences; but I have the even greater privilege to have family who supports and celebrates my identity. Many people do not – even if they live in a country where they won’t be jailed or stoned for being publicly out, they may face being kicked out of their house, disowned by their family, or even outright physical violence.

It’s easy to understand why someone might choose to stay in the closet when the alternative may be living on the streets or being beaten or subjected to conversion therapy (which, by the way, is still legal in Canada!).

So, with all that in mind, let’s address the central question here...the answer being: how important is it to you that you can attend a Pride march with your partner? How important is it to you that you that you can walk down the street holding hands? Would you feel badly if your relationship caused strife between your partner’s friends and family?

Once you’ve answered those questions – and evaluated how important your partner is to you – then can decide whether this relationship is going to work out.

Coming Out of the Closet - Worksheet

 In the space below, define what SAFETY means to you:

On a scale of one to ten, how SAFE do you feel your situation is, in regards to your sexual identity?

On a scale of one to ten, how SAFE does your partner feel their situation is, in regards to their sexual identity?

On a scale of one to ten, rate how important the following activities are to you:

1. Attending Pride events, including marches:

2. Attending protests for LGBT+ rights:

3. Holding hands in public:

4. Kissing in public:

5. Introducing your partner to your friends and family:

6. Being introduced to your partner’s friends and family:

7. Introducing your partner to people as your significant other:

8. Living together:

9. Getting married:

10. Having and/or adopting children:

11. Being your partner’s legal next of kin/power of attorney/etc.:

Are any of the above activities dealbreakers to you, if you were unable to have/do them?

Does your partner have a timeline for when they anticipate being able to come out? Is the timeline acceptable to you, based on your current goals and desires for the future?

What is Your Personality Type?

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” Carl Jung

You may have, at one time, taken a personality test – either for a job or to pass the time while cruising the internet. The internet abounds with titles such as: ‘What candy bar are you?’ These are fun, but offer little real insight. Research again and again comes up with the idea that there are only four personality types.

We put on rose coloured glasses when first in love; we view all our partner’s attributes through the idea that love will conquer all and minimize that which we find less than appealing. Knowing each other’s personality type – applying research to romance – can give you an idea whether you will actually be compatible. These tests give you a window into their strengths, weaknesses, and temperament and can even help us to understand who we fall in love with.

What you are marrying is a lifestyle. These personality profiles show you what you can expect daily life to be: routine or spontaneous, leading or serving. They will help us to understand what motivates our partner and this will enable us to recognize what they need from us in order to feel loved by us. If they require recognition and we get so busy with work and children that we treat them as invisible, they may look elsewhere to fill this need, at work or even perhaps an affair.

If you are someone who is punctual and a planner, a person that rides a Harley and shows up when they show up may sweep you off your feet and you may tell your friends they make you feel alive. Were you to marry them, though, a few years down the road, you would be telling those same friends that if they are late picking the kids up from daycare one more time you would throttle them. Truth be told, they are less likely to want to marry you in the first place and, more importantly, anyone.

The True Colours test labels the personalities as gold, green, blue, and orange. I am more familiar with the version developed by Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist. Fisher found that our primary personality type is closely matched to a hormone/neurotransmitter. There is a saying that opposites attract and it turns out that is sometimes true. If your personality type relates to hormones – estrogen or testosterone – the old wives tale holds. Those high in neurotransmitters, though, will choose someone very similar to themself.

Here are the four types for both Helen Fisher's test and the True Colors and the biological agent they are associated with:

Explorer / Orange / Dopamine

Builder / Gold / Serotonin

Director / Green / Testosterone

Negotiator / Blue / Estrogen

The Explorer, as the name suggests likes adventure, fun, and is not adverse to taking risks. While you may want one of these people at all of your parties, if your dream is the house with the white picket fence, two children, and family game night every Friday, this is an unlikely choice. Explorers, in addition to being drawn to other Explorers, are easily bored, too self-involved, and require recognition. Words you may hear an Explorer use frequently are: adventure, spontaneous, fun, travel, outgoing, active.

The Builder is the person you want on any committee, as they are going to do the work to bring an idea into practice. While they are reliable and organized, they can be adverse to instability, change, and have impossible standards. This is another group that does best when paired with another of similar bent. If asked what is important, a builder will use family, honesty, morals, loyal, trust, and respect.

The Director is at home in the CEO office. They are leaders and, in addition to needing to be dominant, they are logical and have a bottom line approach. Some shortcomings found with these individuals are that they tend to be workaholics and stubborn. They are often motivated by money. Words used by a director to describe what is important are words such as intelligence, ambition, politics, and challenges. A good counterpart for this personality is the Negotiator.

In addition to being suited to the Director, a Negotiator is a caring and compassionate individual that tends to move at an easier pace. Because they are very concerned with others needs they are prone to feeling used and burning out by taking on too much. In trying to identify a Negotiator, look for words like kind, sensitive, reader, learning, empathy.

It would be naive to think that we can fit neatly into just four different boxes; we are a blend of several types in varied proportions. The tests may even give you both a primary and secondary type. While it is important to know the primary type, so too is the secondary one. If two builders marry, life may be mostly smooth, but there may be unexpected bumps. These may be caused by your secondary type clashing.

Take heart even if you choose someone whom the tests say is not your ideal or even incompatible, you will know what challenges and fights you are likely to have and can come up with strategies to deal head them off.

Do You Understand the Driving Forces Behind Male and Female Interactions?

Do you both recognize that women often come from a place of fear, whereas men come from a place of shame?

 We have all had or know someone who has had this fight:

“Honey, you’re driving too fast,” says the wife.

“I know what I’m doing. Why are you being such a nag?” the husband replies angrily.

The wife feels bad, the husband mad. How did this get out of hand so quickly?

It seems society does not teach us that men and women, though we fight for equality, think and feel differently. Dr. Phil says that men and women are “..as naturally compatible as cats and dogs...” The clearer we become on how we are different, the more harmonious our interactions will be. It is hard for us to voice this when we are unaware why we do what we do. One of the things many do not realize is that men are triggered by feeling shamed and women are triggered by feeling fearful. In the above conversation, the wife is afraid. The husband is feeling a sense of shame from thinking that she does not trust his driving and his ability to keep her safe.

How did these gender differences begin? Beyond just genes, it’s how boys and girls are raised. Parents assign traits based on gender, even though hospital records do not note any difference. Parents do not intend to or even realize that they are treating them differently.

Why are women so fearful? Studies of children found that parents tend to treat female children as more fragile and vulnerable, cautioning them to be careful and restricting the activities in which they are allowed to participate. This leads the female children to perceive danger everywhere. Whereas a boy would be told to ‘man up’ at the sight of a snake, girls are soothed and protected in the same situation. As we age and have children, we have invested a lot by the time they are born and keeping them safe is of the utmost importance. In doing so, our all encompassing fear goes into overdrive.

Why do men see insult everywhere they look? From infancy, the same parents that tell their daughters to be careful encourage their sons to take risks and tell them to toughen up. Boys are offered less comfort, but more freedom. Brene Brown asserts that, for men, any weakness is shameful. Testosterone and socialization make men feel protective of women and children. Men from primeval times forward have had the role of providing for their families and signs that they may be lacking in the ability to keep their loved ones safe and secure and provided for are intolerable. Dr. Phil says,”...we [men] bear private shame when we feel that we have failed... Our egos are fragile...”

This is not to say that men do not feel fear and women do not feel shame; they do. After the above conversation, the woman may feel shame that she is not a good wife. That seems to be where we as women feel shame, that we are not able to do it all. The man may be feeling fear in the above scenario, that the wife will see him as weak, unable to protect her, and leave.

Jed Diamond, a therapist, has stated, “...I’ve found that shame is at the root of most relationship problems.” While most articles list money as the number one problem in marriage, Diamond explains how shame figures into that. If the mortgage cannot be paid, the wife will probably be fearful that they will end up living under a bridge, but the husband will be feeling inadequate, a complete failure as a man. Diamond goes on to say that men will look to place the blame on others when they feel inadequate, as in the example above when he suggests his wife is a nag. In its extreme form for men, he suggests, shame can lead to violence.

Barbra De Angelis, PhD, puts another spin on this, stating that, “Men hate to be wrong...and most of all, they hate it when a woman knows that they are wrong before they know it themselves.” In saying to your husband, ‘slow down’, you are making him wrong. She goes on to say, “Men often misinterpret your suggestions, advice, and feedback as attack and criticism.” As a woman who has been in this fight and totally clueless as to what was going on underneath, I never meant to question the ability or virility of the driver. I was just afraid and the way to feel better, I thought, was to be moving slower.

Self-awareness is always a first step in solving a problem. When we know we are experiencing fear, we can take steps to calm down – deep breathing and saying to ourselves, ‘there is nothing bad happening to me right now’. When we feel ashamed, we can remind ourselves we are only human and are doing the best we can.

Knowing what another is experiencing and being understanding can go a long way to avoid hurt and angry confrontations. The man needs to understand the wife is not criticizing him, but wanting relief from the panic in what she sees as a dangerous situation. The wife should realize what she thinks is an innocent request is touching a deeply felt insecurity for her partner.

Let’s see how the above conversation goes now that we know this information:

“Here I am being a big scaredy cat and asking you to slow down,” the wife says with a laugh.

“I have to drive fast if I want to catch a Stegosaurus and club it so I can feed you and the kids. Have to be big and strong, you know?” the husband says and grunts.

The wife laughs. “We had Stegosaurus last week, can’t we have Pterodactyl?”

Both laugh and the husband slows down.