“When you choose an action, you choose the consequences of that action." - Lois McMaster Bujold
When you find a partner to share your life with, you are choosing all the traits, habits, and genes that make them who they are – some good, some bad. In blending our lives, we are going to have to expect that life will not always go the way we want. Sharing space is not easy; television is filled with shows that either make light of this, like The Odd Couple, or real-life dramas like Fear Your Roommate, where someone ends up dead. How well do you really know this person?
Whenever two people live together, there is give and take and we will not always see eye to eye. Even among siblings who share genetics and a similar upbringing, there is conflict. It is not surprising, then, that those who are without these similarities fight. In a partnership, it is virtually impossible to get one’s way all the time, in particular if a relationship is balanced. Balance is needed in order for the relationship to have health and endurance. Needs will go unfulfilled, we will have to do things we may not want, eat foods we would rather not. It is unrealistic to expect that there is not a price to be paid.
While there will be a payment you need to make, you should not forget that if you are choosing to bond yourself to someone, there are benefits you expect to receive. You would not be doing it otherwise. The costs you will accrue need to be weighed against what you will receive and evaluate the sum total. George Homans calls this ‘Social Exchange Theory’. The gist of this theory is that our interactions entail an exchange in a benefit versus risks fashion. When the risks or detriments outweigh rewards, people walk away from the relationship. If you are thinking this relationship could go the distance, then at this point in time the rewards are high.
Take some time to evaluate what the reward to cost ratio is for each of you. Think of this as what you are going to have to pay, abandon, or do that you do not wish to. Remember life is always in flux, so project yourself into the future.
Will one of you put the other through school? Will one put their career on hold to take care of children? Will you give up a free-wheeling life to mow the lawn on Saturdays? Will you need to move away from family? It is easy sometimes to make these compromises when in the early bloom of love, but in the long run, will it build resentment and will you eventually feel like you missed out on life?
A couple who marries shortly after high school because of a pregnancy may end up with an enduring love, but they will have cut short their own youth. They may have given up higher education and, as research shows, will likely have a lower income. Statistics also suggest they are more likely to divorce.
Traditional marriages in the fifties saw the man as the head of the household, the breadwinner, and the main decision maker. While most North American households are no longer based on this model, some still hold this to be true. A woman in this model lacks independence and power. Would you be okay paying that cost?
My father was out of town for long periods of time, so my mother had to be very independent. When he was in town, routine was thrown out the window and it was often busy as he had limited time to get things done before he had to leave again. The cost to my mom was not having a partner day to day, but also a lack of predictability.
It may be less clear to ascertain what the cost will be for you in your relationship. Is this because the other person has conceded on so many points that you are not giving up anything? While that might feel pretty good, rarely does this form a lasting relationship. At some point, the resentment will cause the teeter-totter to fall to the other side. A spirit of wanting it all your way is a selfishness that is not conducive to be a healthy partnering.
If it seems one will have to sacrifice greatly to be in the relationship, what will life look like when the white hot passion cools? If one does not want children, but agrees just to be together, that person may never be okay having given up lazy Sunday mornings, spontaneous out of town trips, or nights out. They may eventually realize the cost is not something they will continue paying and one may find themselves raising children alone.
It is important to discuss early in a relationship what you both want and see if you can work out a five, ten, or twenty year plan that will allow you to both achieve as many goals as possible. It is a process that probably has to be renegotiated over and over through the ups and downs of life. If you both have an ability to compromise and think creatively, you can come up with a life and love that will endure. Maybe the compromise is you each stay living with your parents until you both get a higher education before you marry. Maybe it is you delay children. If what you have is real, it will be worth working for.
No comments:
Post a Comment