Can a Relationship Work if One Partner is Still in the Closet?

Guest Post: C.J. Fitzpatrick

If you’re a person whose identity falls somewhere under the LGBTQ+ umbrella, you’ve most definitely – at some point in your life – struggled with the quandary of if/when to come out of the ‘closet’... (If you’ve never heard this term before, it means making the choice to openly and publicly identify as queer.)

Coming out is a very vulnerable – and sometimes dangerous – experience for someone, as it may mean losing friends and/or family or even risking physical harm, in some cases. Even when someone’s new identity is fully embraced, it is often still met with a degree of sadness, as parents likely mourn the loss of their child’s imagined future or experience grief knowing that their child’s path will be more difficult.

Coming out is a life-long process. It’s not a one and done thing. In a quote I can no longer find, Sir Ian McKellen talks about how every interaction involves an internal debate about whether or not to address the fact that you aren’t straight, as is assumed to be the default.

A 2019 study by the Yale School of Public Health found that as much as eighty-three percent of the world’s LGBT+ community hides their identity from all or most of the people in their lives. John Pachankis, Ph.D., associate professor of the YSPH said, “Given rapidly increasing acceptance of the sexual minorities in some countries, it might be easy to assume that most sexual minorities are out in 2019, but actually, most sexual minority people in the world today are probably not out.”

Keep in mind, this number may be skewed by the populations of LGBT+ people in countries where same-sex attraction is criminalized and often brutally punished. As well, certain identities – such as gay and lesbian – are more universally accepted than identities such as being transgender.

It’s hard enough to make a relationship work when both of the participants are open about their sexual identity, which begs the question: is it possible for a relationship to work long-term if one partner is still closeted?

My personal feeling is that this answer is going to look different for every individual couple.

First, let’s divide people into two categories: those who place a high importance on queer visibility and those who would rather avoid the attention.

The former category tends to feel that, since a straight couple doesn’t have to hide their relationship, why should a queer couple? Since we’re supposedly all equal, we should be able to act and, therefore, be treated as such. They’re the kind of person who is likely to attend a Pride march or a protest for LGBT+ rights.

The latter is likely someone who prefers not to rock the boat, so to speak. This doesn’t mean they don’t wholly support the fight for LGBT+ rights and may even be involved in the fight, but it’s more likely in a behind-the-scenes manner. This may be because they’ve faced discrimination in the past or they may simply be a quiet, meek person.

Let’s also look at the closeted partner’s situation – namely, whether it’s safe or unsafe.

People have many reasons to stay in the closet, but oftentimes, it boils down to whether it’s safe for them to be out. I, personally, have the great privilege of living in a country where it’s illegal to discriminate against someone based on their sexual preferences; but I have the even greater privilege to have family who supports and celebrates my identity. Many people do not – even if they live in a country where they won’t be jailed or stoned for being publicly out, they may face being kicked out of their house, disowned by their family, or even outright physical violence.

It’s easy to understand why someone might choose to stay in the closet when the alternative may be living on the streets or being beaten or subjected to conversion therapy (which, by the way, is still legal in Canada!).

So, with all that in mind, let’s address the central question here...the answer being: how important is it to you that you can attend a Pride march with your partner? How important is it to you that you that you can walk down the street holding hands? Would you feel badly if your relationship caused strife between your partner’s friends and family?

Once you’ve answered those questions – and evaluated how important your partner is to you – then can decide whether this relationship is going to work out.