Do You Understand the Driving Forces Behind Male and Female Interactions?

Do you both recognize that women often come from a place of fear, whereas men come from a place of shame?

 We have all had or know someone who has had this fight:

“Honey, you’re driving too fast,” says the wife.

“I know what I’m doing. Why are you being such a nag?” the husband replies angrily.

The wife feels bad, the husband mad. How did this get out of hand so quickly?

It seems society does not teach us that men and women, though we fight for equality, think and feel differently. Dr. Phil says that men and women are “..as naturally compatible as cats and dogs...” The clearer we become on how we are different, the more harmonious our interactions will be. It is hard for us to voice this when we are unaware why we do what we do. One of the things many do not realize is that men are triggered by feeling shamed and women are triggered by feeling fearful. In the above conversation, the wife is afraid. The husband is feeling a sense of shame from thinking that she does not trust his driving and his ability to keep her safe.

How did these gender differences begin? Beyond just genes, it’s how boys and girls are raised. Parents assign traits based on gender, even though hospital records do not note any difference. Parents do not intend to or even realize that they are treating them differently.

Why are women so fearful? Studies of children found that parents tend to treat female children as more fragile and vulnerable, cautioning them to be careful and restricting the activities in which they are allowed to participate. This leads the female children to perceive danger everywhere. Whereas a boy would be told to ‘man up’ at the sight of a snake, girls are soothed and protected in the same situation. As we age and have children, we have invested a lot by the time they are born and keeping them safe is of the utmost importance. In doing so, our all encompassing fear goes into overdrive.

Why do men see insult everywhere they look? From infancy, the same parents that tell their daughters to be careful encourage their sons to take risks and tell them to toughen up. Boys are offered less comfort, but more freedom. Brene Brown asserts that, for men, any weakness is shameful. Testosterone and socialization make men feel protective of women and children. Men from primeval times forward have had the role of providing for their families and signs that they may be lacking in the ability to keep their loved ones safe and secure and provided for are intolerable. Dr. Phil says,”...we [men] bear private shame when we feel that we have failed... Our egos are fragile...”

This is not to say that men do not feel fear and women do not feel shame; they do. After the above conversation, the woman may feel shame that she is not a good wife. That seems to be where we as women feel shame, that we are not able to do it all. The man may be feeling fear in the above scenario, that the wife will see him as weak, unable to protect her, and leave.

Jed Diamond, a therapist, has stated, “...I’ve found that shame is at the root of most relationship problems.” While most articles list money as the number one problem in marriage, Diamond explains how shame figures into that. If the mortgage cannot be paid, the wife will probably be fearful that they will end up living under a bridge, but the husband will be feeling inadequate, a complete failure as a man. Diamond goes on to say that men will look to place the blame on others when they feel inadequate, as in the example above when he suggests his wife is a nag. In its extreme form for men, he suggests, shame can lead to violence.

Barbra De Angelis, PhD, puts another spin on this, stating that, “Men hate to be wrong...and most of all, they hate it when a woman knows that they are wrong before they know it themselves.” In saying to your husband, ‘slow down’, you are making him wrong. She goes on to say, “Men often misinterpret your suggestions, advice, and feedback as attack and criticism.” As a woman who has been in this fight and totally clueless as to what was going on underneath, I never meant to question the ability or virility of the driver. I was just afraid and the way to feel better, I thought, was to be moving slower.

Self-awareness is always a first step in solving a problem. When we know we are experiencing fear, we can take steps to calm down – deep breathing and saying to ourselves, ‘there is nothing bad happening to me right now’. When we feel ashamed, we can remind ourselves we are only human and are doing the best we can.

Knowing what another is experiencing and being understanding can go a long way to avoid hurt and angry confrontations. The man needs to understand the wife is not criticizing him, but wanting relief from the panic in what she sees as a dangerous situation. The wife should realize what she thinks is an innocent request is touching a deeply felt insecurity for her partner.

Let’s see how the above conversation goes now that we know this information:

“Here I am being a big scaredy cat and asking you to slow down,” the wife says with a laugh.

“I have to drive fast if I want to catch a Stegosaurus and club it so I can feed you and the kids. Have to be big and strong, you know?” the husband says and grunts.

The wife laughs. “We had Stegosaurus last week, can’t we have Pterodactyl?”

Both laugh and the husband slows down.