Have You Talked About Money?

"Money may not be the most important thing in your life, but it affects everything that is important." - The Rich Dad Company

If you see trouble coming down the road, would you not want to head it off before it gets to you? When a hurricane is headed your way, you board up the windows and stock up on food. This is only good sense. So, why then do most dating couples delay or avoid talking finances? Money issues are the number one cause of fights in a marriage and is commonly reported to be an important reason leading to divorce.

It was told to me growing up that you do not discuss politics, religion, or finances. Talking about money is uncomfortable, it seems to rank right up there with talking about our bodily functions. When you meet someone and they ask about your wealth at the first meeting they would be labelled rude or snoopy. Anthropologist Kimberly Chong states that, "...asking someone what they earn is considered taboo because you are indirectly questioning their personal worth.”

In first world countries, we tend to assign value to people based on attributes such as wealth, status, education, and looks. It is easy to see why people may not be forthcoming about their financial picture. They do not want to be judged to be unworthy. It is understandable why you would not let a friend see all the details of your net worth, yet it is asking for trouble to not do so before entering marriage.

Wells Fargo reported that close to fifty percent of Americans rate personal finances as more challenging to discuss with others then topics such as religion, politics, and death. Similarly Merrill Edge, a division of Merrill Lynch, found that people in significant relationships avoided sharing a clear picture of their financial viability. They postponed this topic until after hitting most major relationship milestones such as being intimate and meeting the parents. Time Magazine cites as many as forty percent of couples marry without discussing first how they will manage money.

Knowing how much debt a person has coming into the marriage is not only important because it is now a joint debt, but it can also make getting a mortgage harder. It seems, though, that debt is one of the hardest areas of finances for us to reveal – sixty percent of people say they did not talk about this with their partner, Merrill Edge found.

An ironic twist to this tendency, most people are more interested in the financial stability of a long term partner than in love. Yet, while most people were interested in the financial resources of their future partner, they held their own cards in this area close to their chest. Before you consider forever together you need to have the talk. The money talk and bare it all, you need to come clear on your relationship to money – that is revealed through salary, spending, savings, and investment and debt. The stupidest thing you’ve done with money and the smartest.

Money is a necessary evil in our world and is an indicator of the stability in our life and in our future. As many people found out during the COVID-19 pandemic, some of us are only a couple paychecks away from ruin. If you do not have to stress every month about what bill can go unpaid or save up just to buy a loaf of bread, life can be pretty sweet. The Rich Dad Company asserts that talking about money and our relationship to it should begin at the start of a relationship and that it is not necessary to find someone who has wealth, but someone who has the same 'financial alignment' as you. It is less about what you have than what you do with it.

Gail Vaz Oxlade host of the show Til Debt Do Us Part, helped couples in financial crisis come up with a plan on how to get out of the red. Some only a few years into marriage were already deeply entrenched in debt. Sadly, too many had not been taught money management and this spawned a spin-off show, Money Morons. She found that even within a relationship, people are not always honest on how money is spent, hiding purchases, bills, and credit cards.

Having a financial conversation before you marry, though very unromantic, will help down the road if you have a clear picture of the debits and credits and how they view money. Money means different things to people. It is important to understand the true value your beloved puts on it. A person’s relationship with money is a window into their personality. Whether you view money as a God or a means to an end, it is a fact of life and a tool to be used. Are your styles complimentary? Prepare a budget and make a plan for the future you want and how you will save to achieve your dreams. People don't plan to fail, they fail to plan.

Having the aforementioned conversations and preparing a budget can be done in conjunction with goal-setting and should be viewed as a means to make your dreams happen. Vaz Oxlade asserts that,"You can get everything you want. All you need is a plan. And how do you spell plan? B-U-D-G-E-T!....if you’re planning to mate and you haven’t sat down to talk about your money, you’re a fool, plain and simple.”