Happiest Ever After

Is Respect an Issue?

“I’ve heard a lot of men say that they’d rather be respected and unloved than be loved and disrespected.” Elcrema

The male ego is a funny thing. Watch enough TV court shows and you will eventually see a case where a fight erupts over respect. Judge Judy had a case that went something like this: ‘He said something disrespectful so I followed him home and he hit me with a crowbar’. The worst part was that the victim had his girlfriend and their children with him.

Testosterone makes men do more than lift heavy rocks and spit. It makes them want to prove their superiority and protect what is theirs, even their reputation. I am not saying women don’t want respect, but when they feel disrespected, they are as likely to go to the bathroom and cry as they are to puff out their chests, get angry, and confront others. The drive for respect is so powerful that men will risk a criminal conviction to ensure they have it. In the book, Prison Masculinities, it is noted, “Fights are often about respect, one man feeling that another has disrespected him... An all-out battle over respect can end a life – or many lives.” (Don Sabo & Terry A. Kupers)

If respect is so valuable that they will put themselves in a position of possible harm, what effect will it have on your relationship? Will they interrupt a night of dancing at a club to settle a score with a guy who sneers and says ‘nice shirt’? Will they get a reputation around town as a hot head and get banned from stores and clubs? Will they put you in danger? The girlfriend in the above mentioned case claims she was charged by the aggressor. Do you want that to be you?

Another consideration: if their ego is so fragile, will they cut off or distance you from people in your lives because of it? Some families rib each other in jest; if your partner is the butt of even a joking put-down, will they lose it? Will you stop going to your parents’ because your father doesn’t think your partner is good enough for you?

Within your relationship, will they pick fights when they feel you have not shown them the utmost in respect? I am not speaking of blatant disrespect, that is clearly wrong. I am speaking of joking that he can never seem to pick up his socks or mentioning to your sister that your husband lost his job. Over time, we get comfortable with each other and stop being on our best behaviour. You may not say I love you every day and you may start taking each other for granted. For someone who needs their ego protected or stroked, this will be especially challenging.

I have written before about how men come from a place of shame. I used the example of a wife asking her husband to slow down while driving and the husband becoming angry. He is shamed because he feels he is not being shown respect. If the wife believed he is smart enough and in his ability as a driver, she would not be showing disrespect by questioning his capability in getting them safely to where they are going. It would be exponentially more disrespectful in his eyes if there were other people in the car.

Shaunti Feldhahn, a marriage expert, states, “A man’s highest need is to feel respect, whereas a woman’s highest need is to feel loved.” In a research project done by Feldhahn, eighty percent of men surveyed reported that in any conflict they are likely to feel disrespected. Feldhahn also goes on to say that while showing love is great, “...if we don’t also show that we respect them – and maybe criticize them in public or question their decisions all the time – they’re going to feel disrespected and then they won’t feel loved.” It is even suggested that a man’s need for respect is so great that if he perceives he isn’t being shown his due, he will look elsewhere for it or even leave the relationship.

Some people suggest that wives accept the anger men display as a reaction to feeling disrespected. I am not suggesting we give men (or women) a pass because they get angry for this reason. We should keep it in mind, but men can realize if his wife tells him to buy the bigger jug of milk next time, it is not meant to suggest he is a terrible or stupid person, but rather a way to make life smoother. Unless he likes trips at 9:30PM to 7-11 so the children have milk for cereal. Men should be able to grow and change to accept that not every word spoken is a slight meant to show disrespect.

Are You Aware of Your Partner’s Vulnerabilities and Sensitivities?

“People marry with a deep longing that their partner will tend to their wounds, not throw salt in them.” Harriet Lerner

We are pretty much fully cooked by the time we decide to make a lifelong commitment to someone. We have our strengths and most importantly for this discussion, our weaknesses. We come into relationships with baggage. No matter how strong one tries to appear, they have shortcomings. We are the total of our genetics, how we were raised, and everything that happened to us. No one is perfect, so it is best to have an idea of the flaws, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities of the person you have chosen to bond with. It is often unresolved issues from the family of origin that determine the issues we carry into our relationship. It is these same issues that might even explain why we marry who we do. We are sometimes looking to fill a void or complete some developmental task through the relationship we pick.

Fear of vulnerability is perhaps one of the most common and deeply rooted fears. Early humans needed to be on constant alert for danger, so vulnerabilities needed to be constantly on their mind. Nowadays, the attacks we are subjected to are often less physical and more emotional or spiritual. The idea of vulnerability today brings to mind weakness. Brene Brown, however, believes this to be far from the truth: “...vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our most accurate measure of courage.”

Are you aware of what baggage your partner carries? It is these vulnerabilities that will likely be the reason behind the persistent fights you will have as a couple, Harriet Lerner Ph.D. asserts. When we are new to a relationship, we often keep our shadow side under wraps until we are sure we are loved and valued. As a relationship progresses, we begin to unpack our baggage. We begin to feel safe and secure in the connection we have. Whether we do this knowingly or not, we begin to expose the ways in which we are flawed, our sensitivities, our scars, our tender spots.

It is a matter of deep trust that someone reveals vulnerability to us. We certainly wouldn’t want to reveal them to someone that is strictly a business acquaintance. We believe that our partner would never do anything to hurt us, so we feel safe sharing our broken places. In revealing our vulnerabilities, we are giving our partner the power to wound us deeply, but trusting that they won’t. There are few things more painful within a relationship then to reveal to your beloved a vulnerability and have them use it against you.

Are you aware what topics are triggers? Are you aware of lines you shouldn’t cross? Are you willing to accept them as they are with no expectation they will change in this regard? If you have no idea what your partner’s vulnerabilities and sensitivities are and you have been together a considerable amount of time, that brings up another issue: why not? Is there true intimacy or is this just a superficial pairing? Do you not really care about your partner? Don’t you truly trust this person?

To bump up against someone’s emotional wound that you are aware of is no different then to poke them on a still fresh surgical scar. But we try to get our partners to overcome these deficiencies out of love and wanting better for them. I can understand wanting a partner to ‘get over’ this tender spot, but true healing never occurs until they are ready to work on them for themselves, not to please you. We can’t want it for them. We would never tell someone we love that is suffering from cancer to just get over it, yet this is often what we do when it comes to the scars we have on the inside. We shouldn’t expect that picking at these wounds will entice our partner to just get over these long held scars.

Those that will have the most problems with revealing their vulnerabilities in a relationship are those who have been betrayed and had them used against them. They will have learned to build walls and keep people at a distance to avoid getting hurt again.

Sharing our vulnerabilities can foster trust and create a deep connection and intimacy in our relationship. Misusing this trust can spell the end of it. There is nothing like a close relationship to foster knowing what buttons to push. We know how to hurt each other and it is not unusual to do so once in a while. When it is done intentionally and repeatedly this is akin to abuse.

Is Abandonment Happening in Small Ways?

“The worst and saddest feelings one can go through is not being lonely, but abandoned and forgotten by the one you would have never abandoned or forgotten.” Unknown

“I’ll be there for you when the rain starts to pour...” This is a line from the theme song of the show Friends. Isn’t that what friends are for? Our relationships should provide mutual support, love, help us grow. Perhaps most importantly to keep us afloat when a crisis washes over us. We expect this to be especially true of our romantic partners.

“Abandonment is our first fear. It is a primal fear-a fear universal to the human experience. As infants we lay screaming in our cribs, terrified that when our mothers left the room they were never coming back” (Susan Anderson C.S.W.). Feeling safe and loved are at the roots of our ability to move forward in life and grow to be the best we can be. This is so powerful that children in orphanages who are not receiving enough love, touch and nurturing will stop growing and sometimes even die.

We are clear on what constitutes physical abandonment; she doesn’t show up to watch us play hockey, he works late and doesn’t make it to your sisters for supper. There is also emotional abandonment and that is a little murkier to define. It is when our needs are not being met. It is when a plan we worked out together is not being followed. It can also be when our wants are not being met, given they are not unreasonable and we have shared them with our partner.

Over the course of a relationship, you are going to face a myriad of small stressors, but you are also likely to encounter major illness, trauma, and/or grief. Even things we might not see as a bad thing, like a job promotion, can change the dynamics in a relationship and cause tension. You need to be reasonably certain that the ups and downs you go through over a lifetime are things that you will face side by side.

We usually don’t question that security and support are in place until we find ourselves all alone, facing a pack of hungry wolves...but by then it’s too late. Before committing to someone, we should look for signs they will be there when you really need them. Maybe more importantly, signs that they won’t... Will they be standing beside you fighting the good fight when all hell breaks loose or will they be taking a nap?

Going through a crisis or tragedy can be eye opening. They say a crisis is where people show their true colours. It is hard to know if someone will be there for you when all you have experienced together is calm waters and smooth sailing. We need to feel safe and secure in our relationships, but sometimes this feeling is just an illusion. Look for small ways that you are being abandoned. Does he forget your birthday or claim he has not been told things when, in fact, he was not listening?

Carol Bruess Ph.D states, “According to surveys, some forty percent of people know the pain of being lonely in relationship...every lonely marriage has one thing in common: at least one spouse feels abandoned emotionally.”

Are they emotionally unavailable? Is that why they are abandoning you? People who are emotionally unavailable may have the best of intentions to commit to someone they love yet put up walls so that there is never any true emotionally intimacy. They may say and do the right things, but there is always some distance so you can never get really close to them.

When you feel abandoned in your relationship, it can lead down many pathways that aren’t healthy. Some will become clingy, some will stray, but whatever the way it manifests, there is a loss of stability. Rejection results in a lack of trust and eventually a loss of connection. I have mentioned the clue of failure before, the red flag people saw in early on that foretold that the relationship was doomed. Being abandoned in small ways may very well be such a sign – that maybe they really aren’t that into you and will run at the first sign of trouble or conflict. Perhaps they aren’t able to get really close to anyone because they unconsciously have put up such thick walls that nothing can penetrate.

Look to the family of your beloved for clues as to whether they will abandon you in small ways. Do they support each other? Do they support you? Have they had healthy relationships modelled? Were they abandoned as an infant and perhaps don’t understand what real connection is like? Were they in a committed relationship and were cheated on or dumped and have yet to heal?

On television shows, I see people under threat of attack walking through a dark forest side by side. What happens then is someone comes up behind them and gets the upper hand. In marriage, we envision walking off into the sunset side by side and living happily ever after. We would be far better walking through our life together back to back so we can see perils coming. As my daughter says, “Teamwork makes the dream work”.

Abandonment Worksheet

Ask these questions to determine if abandonment is happening in small ways:

Do they refuse to pick you up or drive you places?
Are they on time to pick you up?
Do they feel your time is less important than theirs?
Do they ask you about your earlier life?
Do they remember facts about your life?
Do they do things for you they committed to?
Do you need to frequently remind them of these?
When you say you have had a rough day, do they ask about it?
When you are sick, do they take care of you?
Do they remember how you take your coffee?
When there has been a death, do they bring you food or provide other support?
Do they ask favours, but never return them?
Do they borrow things and not return them?
Do they forget plans you make?
Are they there only in the good times?
Do they have a hard time fitting you into their schedule?
Do they talk about you behind your back?
Do you do all the pursuing?
Do they remember your birthday and other special days?
Are they critical of your looks or lifestyle choices?
Are they there for their friends and family?
Are they there for your family and friends?
Do they think your hobbies and interests are stupid?
After a hard day, do they know what to say and do to make you feel better?
Do you feel neglected?
Do you always do what they want to do?
Do you feel you are not being told what is going on in their life?
Do you feel you are not really listened to?
Do they never stop talking about themself?
Do you feel lifted up when you are down?
Are they available to listen when you need to talk?
Do they avoid you or get silent when you are fighting?
Does your partner express their love to you, either in words or deeds?
Do they make your life easier?
When they see you are busy, do they sit and watch TV and not offer assistance?
Do they have a string of unfulfilled promises?
Do they leave projects half done?
Do they hop from job to job?
Do their family and friends receive information before you?
Do you feel alone even when you are together?

Are They Looking Outside Themselves for Happiness?

“Seeking happiness outside ourselves is like waiting for sunshine in a cave facing north.” Tibetan Proverb

From the time I was toddler, I’ve been made to believe that all it will take for me to be happy is to find a guy, get married, and it’s all gravy from there. It turns out that fairy tales and Disney movies may have been pulling a fast one on us all. I, and I’m sure a lot of other people, feel cheated. On the other side of marriage was washing dishes, dirty diapers, and paying bills, no marital wonderland in sight.

In talking to a counsellor, I expressed that something I did made me happy. He expressed that he thought it was wrong to see anything external as making me happy. He suggested I reframe my thinking as being that I like it or that it brings me enjoyment. Happiness, he said, needs to come from within.

Philip Brickman and Donald T. Campbell tell us we are all on a hedonistic treadmill. We have a baseline of happiness that is likely, in part, due to genetics. When something good happens to us, like getting our dream job, we will experience a period of intense happiness. This might feel like the pinnacle of our life and we might think from this day forward we will be living the dream. Truth be told, we will acclimate to this change and will return to our base level of happiness. We will then realize that this wasn’t really the thing that would make our life complete and we will seek out another dream to chase. We are always chasing happiness, never quite catching it for long.

This is how many of us live, always on the search for happiness somewhere outside ourselves. Truth be told, we have a better chance of finding a Sasquatch or the Loch Ness monster than we do true external happiness. You can never fill an internal void from the outside. Still, many people look to relationships as the answer to their unhappiness. If they just have a partner, if they just meet the right person... When we are in love we experience happiness, especially when a relationship is in its early stages and we are euphoric having this new person in our life. We’ve heard all the tag lines: they complete me, I’ve never been more in love, they are my soul mate... Love makes everything about life better.

Some people have a void inside. They try to fill it with food, money, power... Some look for someone else to fill it for them. I have said before that we do things for a reason, including entering relationships. If it’s for happiness, what happens if that person leaves or dies? Does all the sunshine go out of your life? Are you bereft of good feelings forever? Giving that power and responsibility to another leaves you in a vulnerable place. Making one person responsible for all your happiness can be smothering for them. This thinking sets us up for disappointment. No one person can provide everything you need to be happy and especially not at all times. Their job isn’t to try to make you happy.

If you are in a relationship with someone that is looking to you to make them happy, that is a heavy burden to carry. Once they return to their baseline level of happiness and life gets busy with work, paying the bills, and chores, they are going to look at you and may feel you are not fulfilling your end of the bargain as the thing that is supposed to make them happy. They are going to feel let down. At some point, they may blame you for the lack that is really internal. You should never need a person to fill your happiness quotient.

Just as a healthy relationship starts with two independent people, it also requires the coming together of two happy people. Not happy because you have found the one. Happy with who you are and where you are in life before you found them. The relationship brings enjoyment to a life that is already a birthday cake.

I guess it’s time we stop reading Cinderella to our children and instead pick up a copy of The Paper Bag Princess, where Elizabeth refuses to settle for the first ‘bum’ to come along.

Do They Have Critical Thinking Skills?

"Before you argue with someone, ask yourself, is that person even mentally mature enough to grasp the concept of a different perspective. Because if not, there's absolutely no point." Helen Mirren

COVID has divided us like few other topics have. It is clear that some people are lacking in their ability to look at all the data, analyze it, and come to a clear understanding of the unbiased reality. They can’t get beyond their own feelings and how it is affecting them personally to look at the bigger picture. They are lacking in the ability to think critically.

Critical thinking asks us to look at all available data, both for and against a topic of concern. It requires having an open mind and analyzing both the data and the source of the data. Having weighed it all, you reach an unbiased conclusion. We were all taught this in school, it’s called the scientific method. We were taught to come up with a hypothesis, then tests to measure this hypothesis. It seems, though, that some of us forget this and rely too strongly on our emotions or opinions as fact.

Young children lack critical thinking skills. They know only what they want in the moment. They want a certain toy and grabbing it away from a sibling or friend seems reasonable in filling a want that they have. It is through the guidance of parents, caregivers, and teachers that this child comes to grasp that there is a world beyond their own wants, needs, and opinions.

Some people don’t seem to realize that no matter what your belief, you are likely to find evidence that proves this point. Just look at any criminal trial, there are ‘experts’ on both sides to testify as to the truth of both sides of the same issue. How can the accused be both sane and insane?

How will this affect a relationship? We rely on our partner to make well-reasoned decisions. We don’t want a partner that can’t evaluate critically all these scamming emails and phone calls we receive and end up selling your home for magic beans. We don’t want a partner who puts us in danger. We don’t need a life filled with missed opportunities. We need a partner, especially if we want to have children, that has not just common sense, but an ability to look at a situation, assess it, and come up with a well thought out and reasoned reaction. If there is flood warning, perhaps a good approach is look at the news to see if it will affect your area, and if so, to pack up the valuables and necessities and call Grandma to see if you can come visit. Waiting until the flood waters are pouring in the basement windows may be too late.

What are some traits of people that lack critical thinking?

They are lacking in impulse control.

They repeat the same mistakes.

They make assumptions.

They lack self reflection.

They take their own opinion as fact.

They jump to conclusions.

There is an over reliance on emotions.

They go along with the crowd.

They are unaware of their biases.

They don’t look at the source of information or fact check.

They fail to look at the big picture of a situation.

They lack the ability to see things from another’s perspective.

They are lacking the ability to accept they may be wrong.

There is no ability to predict the consequences of an action.

There is a lack of problem solving skills.

They act based on wishful thinking.

There is objectivity when making a decision.

When we find ourselves in a relationship with someone that lacks the ability to move through life with a critical eye, we wind up in one of two outcomes. Either, we are blind to our partners lack of critical skills and, as a result, we are forever behind the eight ball. We are often short on money for our bills. We buy cars we can’t afford. We miss out on the daycare slot because we didn’t heed advice to get on the waiting list. The other way this can go is if we, eventually, see the lack and take charge. Life then becomes similar to a parent/child relationship. Rather than feeling we are an equal partnership, we become a babysitter. Making them turn over their pay cheque. Monitoring where they go and what sites they visit on the internet. Are either of these how you want to live out your days?

Do They Understand Weakness?

“Empathy is about standing in someone else’s shoes, feeling with his or her heart, seeing with his or her eyes, not only is empathy hard to outsource and automate, but it makes the world a better place.” Daniel H. Pink

We are not all made the same, nor do we all have the same advantages. Genetics and upbringing determine how we turn out. Some of us are big, strong, and have good health, but some get the short end of the genetic lottery. They suffer ill health or have a frail constitution. Some struggle mentally, with anxiety, low energy, or poor self-esteem.

Just as there is a continuum of a constitution, from strong to frail, so too is the ability to be empathetic. Empathy requires us to put ourselves in the shoes of another. To try to understand where they are coming from. Not everyone is good at this. They can’t begin to understand why someone doesn’t just pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and get on with it. We are going to run into people that aren’t accepting of anything they see as weakness. This can make them seem strong, powerful, and may be a good quality in a leader that is leading troops into war against a terrible enemy. Is this what you want in a partner, though?

If your partner is blessed with a strong constitution and has never had periods of fragility, they may not completely understand what it is like for those that do. You too may have a sound body and mind and feel this is not an issue, but what if things change? We never know what life has in store for us. Women who have been fine all their young life, suffer postpartum depression. Diseases sometimes come out of nowhere and no one can predict what the children we might have will struggle with.

Could your partner be understanding of the struggles of the vulnerable? Would they be able to make day to day allowances for the shortcomings that result? It can be hard to pick up the slack with no end in sight, even for someone you love deeply. It is hard to know what they are going through when you have no frame of reference. Someone who is healthy, both physically and emotionally, can struggle to understand how anxiety or poor health impacts a person.

While a partner that is strong and unaffected by the emotions of others may make us feel safe and protected, down the road it may make us feel misunderstood. If someone lacks the ability to put themselves in your shoes, it’s hard for them to have empathy for what you are going through. There are going to be lots of trials in a relationship where we require our partner to understand what we need in the moment. It may be just in small ways, such as when you have dealt with a difficult person at work and you just want to come home, put on sweats and go for a run. You want your partner to understand that this may not be the best day to ask you to help repaint the kitchen. There will be bigger struggles too, when a parent passes away or we are diagnosed with cancer. Will your partner help or hinder your ability to cope?

Ask yourself these questions:

Is your partner highly critical or judgmental of others?

Do they struggle to see others points of view?

Do they feel victims are to blame?

Do they think others are just too sensitive?

Do they feel that being emotional is being out of control?

Are they indifferent to the struggles another is experiencing?

Does someone that is crying make them uncomfortable or angry?

When I (or someone else) has needed them were they a source of comfort?

Do they see people that are struggling as weak overall?

While both women and men can struggle in this regard, men seem to be less understanding of an inability to rub some dirt on it and society is likely to blame. Though times are changing, boys are socialized to be tough, are given less comfort when hurt, and rewarded for strength and toughness. A boy that cries on the playground is likely labelled a crybaby or pussy. While women see being empathetic as a noble trait, men see it as a shortcoming.