Is Respect an Issue?

“I’ve heard a lot of men say that they’d rather be respected and unloved than be loved and disrespected.” Elcrema

The male ego is a funny thing. Watch enough TV court shows and you will eventually see a case where a fight erupts over respect. Judge Judy had a case that went something like this: ‘He said something disrespectful so I followed him home and he hit me with a crowbar’. The worst part was that the victim had his girlfriend and their children with him.

Testosterone makes men do more than lift heavy rocks and spit. It makes them want to prove their superiority and protect what is theirs, even their reputation. I am not saying women don’t want respect, but when they feel disrespected, they are as likely to go to the bathroom and cry as they are to puff out their chests, get angry, and confront others. The drive for respect is so powerful that men will risk a criminal conviction to ensure they have it. In the book, Prison Masculinities, it is noted, “Fights are often about respect, one man feeling that another has disrespected him... An all-out battle over respect can end a life – or many lives.” (Don Sabo & Terry A. Kupers)

If respect is so valuable that they will put themselves in a position of possible harm, what effect will it have on your relationship? Will they interrupt a night of dancing at a club to settle a score with a guy who sneers and says ‘nice shirt’? Will they get a reputation around town as a hot head and get banned from stores and clubs? Will they put you in danger? The girlfriend in the above mentioned case claims she was charged by the aggressor. Do you want that to be you?

Another consideration: if their ego is so fragile, will they cut off or distance you from people in your lives because of it? Some families rib each other in jest; if your partner is the butt of even a joking put-down, will they lose it? Will you stop going to your parents’ because your father doesn’t think your partner is good enough for you?

Within your relationship, will they pick fights when they feel you have not shown them the utmost in respect? I am not speaking of blatant disrespect, that is clearly wrong. I am speaking of joking that he can never seem to pick up his socks or mentioning to your sister that your husband lost his job. Over time, we get comfortable with each other and stop being on our best behaviour. You may not say I love you every day and you may start taking each other for granted. For someone who needs their ego protected or stroked, this will be especially challenging.

I have written before about how men come from a place of shame. I used the example of a wife asking her husband to slow down while driving and the husband becoming angry. He is shamed because he feels he is not being shown respect. If the wife believed he is smart enough and in his ability as a driver, she would not be showing disrespect by questioning his capability in getting them safely to where they are going. It would be exponentially more disrespectful in his eyes if there were other people in the car.

Shaunti Feldhahn, a marriage expert, states, “A man’s highest need is to feel respect, whereas a woman’s highest need is to feel loved.” In a research project done by Feldhahn, eighty percent of men surveyed reported that in any conflict they are likely to feel disrespected. Feldhahn also goes on to say that while showing love is great, “...if we don’t also show that we respect them – and maybe criticize them in public or question their decisions all the time – they’re going to feel disrespected and then they won’t feel loved.” It is even suggested that a man’s need for respect is so great that if he perceives he isn’t being shown his due, he will look elsewhere for it or even leave the relationship.

Some people suggest that wives accept the anger men display as a reaction to feeling disrespected. I am not suggesting we give men (or women) a pass because they get angry for this reason. We should keep it in mind, but men can realize if his wife tells him to buy the bigger jug of milk next time, it is not meant to suggest he is a terrible or stupid person, but rather a way to make life smoother. Unless he likes trips at 9:30PM to 7-11 so the children have milk for cereal. Men should be able to grow and change to accept that not every word spoken is a slight meant to show disrespect.