Do They Understand Weakness?

“Empathy is about standing in someone else’s shoes, feeling with his or her heart, seeing with his or her eyes, not only is empathy hard to outsource and automate, but it makes the world a better place.” Daniel H. Pink

We are not all made the same, nor do we all have the same advantages. Genetics and upbringing determine how we turn out. Some of us are big, strong, and have good health, but some get the short end of the genetic lottery. They suffer ill health or have a frail constitution. Some struggle mentally, with anxiety, low energy, or poor self-esteem.

Just as there is a continuum of a constitution, from strong to frail, so too is the ability to be empathetic. Empathy requires us to put ourselves in the shoes of another. To try to understand where they are coming from. Not everyone is good at this. They can’t begin to understand why someone doesn’t just pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and get on with it. We are going to run into people that aren’t accepting of anything they see as weakness. This can make them seem strong, powerful, and may be a good quality in a leader that is leading troops into war against a terrible enemy. Is this what you want in a partner, though?

If your partner is blessed with a strong constitution and has never had periods of fragility, they may not completely understand what it is like for those that do. You too may have a sound body and mind and feel this is not an issue, but what if things change? We never know what life has in store for us. Women who have been fine all their young life, suffer postpartum depression. Diseases sometimes come out of nowhere and no one can predict what the children we might have will struggle with.

Could your partner be understanding of the struggles of the vulnerable? Would they be able to make day to day allowances for the shortcomings that result? It can be hard to pick up the slack with no end in sight, even for someone you love deeply. It is hard to know what they are going through when you have no frame of reference. Someone who is healthy, both physically and emotionally, can struggle to understand how anxiety or poor health impacts a person.

While a partner that is strong and unaffected by the emotions of others may make us feel safe and protected, down the road it may make us feel misunderstood. If someone lacks the ability to put themselves in your shoes, it’s hard for them to have empathy for what you are going through. There are going to be lots of trials in a relationship where we require our partner to understand what we need in the moment. It may be just in small ways, such as when you have dealt with a difficult person at work and you just want to come home, put on sweats and go for a run. You want your partner to understand that this may not be the best day to ask you to help repaint the kitchen. There will be bigger struggles too, when a parent passes away or we are diagnosed with cancer. Will your partner help or hinder your ability to cope?

Ask yourself these questions:

Is your partner highly critical or judgmental of others?

Do they struggle to see others points of view?

Do they feel victims are to blame?

Do they think others are just too sensitive?

Do they feel that being emotional is being out of control?

Are they indifferent to the struggles another is experiencing?

Does someone that is crying make them uncomfortable or angry?

When I (or someone else) has needed them were they a source of comfort?

Do they see people that are struggling as weak overall?

While both women and men can struggle in this regard, men seem to be less understanding of an inability to rub some dirt on it and society is likely to blame. Though times are changing, boys are socialized to be tough, are given less comfort when hurt, and rewarded for strength and toughness. A boy that cries on the playground is likely labelled a crybaby or pussy. While women see being empathetic as a noble trait, men see it as a shortcoming.