Happiest Ever After

Does Your Partner Give a Lot of Criticism and Judgment?

“People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.” Gary Chapman

I watched Kanye West tell Kim Kardashian how to dress in the early part of their relationship. I was surprised as I always thought Kim a confident young lady, well groomed, and an inspiration to many. I didn’t think his need to make her over bode well for them as a couple. Turns out, I was right.

What we want in a partner is someone that builds us up. We want someone who helps us to be the best version of ourselves. Part of that may be feedback. Where you say to your partner, ‘your resume has grammar errors, can we please fix it before you send it out?’. Things said out of love with hopes this advice will help them get ahead. It should be noted that these are suggestions and should our partner not wish to change, we need to respect their life choice.

Let’s be clear, feedback is different from criticism. Things can always be said in a way that makes our partner want to listen. Feedback is constructive and builds us up and is given with the feelings of the recipient in mind, while criticism is blaming, can include character assassination, and leaves the recipient feeling defensive. Criticism tears us down. Feedback would be, “Your resume needs to be tweaked.”, while criticism says, “Your resume makes you look like a loser, only an idiot would hire you.”

We shouldn’t expect to be in an honest and open relationship and never receive feedback. It’s normal for a couple to frequently have complaints about each other. A marriage is a coming together with an eye towards living the good life together, not two perfect people. The way to help each other be a better person and fulfill hopes and dreams is by providing suggestions and thoughtful corrections. It isn’t so much if feedback exists at all in a relationship that spells trouble, rather the manner in which we communicate our thoughts for improvement.

Criticism is particularly damaging when it is directed not at a behaviour, but against the very essence of a person. “You are unlovable.” Dr. Joshua Klapow states that, “A partner who criticizes frequently is a partner who does not know how to communicate, may not care enough about your feelings, and may fail to consider that the relationship must work between the two of you.”

It is harmful when:

When criticism is global, i.e. ‘you never do anything right’.

It doesn’t deal with specific issues.

When it doesn’t offer helpful insight or solutions.

When there isn’t the possibility for correction.

When it labels the other person, not the issue, as bad or wrong.

When the other person’s way is the seen as the only right way.

When it’s given just to wound the other person.

When they try to change their partner into who they want them to be.

When it happens frequently.

Criticism, I believe, is different from judgment. Criticism tends to put the criticizer and the criticized on a similar plain. Judgment, puts the person doling out the judgment on a higher plain. Judgment says, I am better and I know better. People can judge without criticism.

It is an interesting fact that some people have no problem doling out criticism or judgment, but are overly sensitive when it is directed at them. Even thoughtfully given feedback is not well received. While I doubt any of us relish correction, over-sensitivity is often seen in sociopaths.

John Gottman, Ph.D., through his research is able to predict divorce with more than a ninety percent accuracy. He calls criticism one of the ‘Four Horsemen’ that spell trouble for a relationship. The one that is often the first to appear is criticism. Not only is it damaging, it can pave the way for the others to come galloping in behind. Criticism isn’t an effective form of communication. It creates distance and contempt between people. Dr. Klapow says, “We all criticize occasionally – it is human. However, there is no room in a healthy relationship for regular criticism.”

What Do Your Actions Tell Your Partner About Your Feelings Toward the Relationship?

“If your actions don’t live up to your words, you have nothing to say.” DaShanne Stokes

A man claimed to be madly in love with his girlfriend and wanted to marry her... All while buying a house far from where her job opportunities were, talking about it being his house, and turning down her ideas about how to decorate it. From my point of view, he was acting like he was trying to scare her off.

It's easy to pay lip service to almost anything, but where we put our time and energy is a better measure of how we really feel. If we're being honest, our actions will match our words. Do your actions, like the example above, indicate you’re just not that into them? We need to be honest, not just with ourselves, but our partner as well, especially when we have mixed or indecisive feels about the sustainability of our relationship. It's selfish to waste either of your time. Do the work or move on.

Are you there for them? It is easy to say you will always be there for someone and then be mysteriously absent when they need a ride to the emergency room. You don’t need to be at your partner's beck and call at all times, but you should have their back when it really matters. When they are sick, facing a death in the family, or in a crisis.

Are you reliable? This is similar to the above, but leans more to being on time, in contact, at home when you say you'll be and if not phone ahead. If you say you’ll pick up milk on your way home from work, do you say you forgot because you’re too tired? Things of this sort, though they may seem small, are telling as to how important the relationship is.

Do you take your partner's needs and wants into account? A healthy relationship is going to mean you can’t always get your way. You will see movies you don’t like, eat food you find gross, spend time with people you’d rather not. A relationship is about compromise and finding solutions that you both can live with.

Do you keep secrets your partner should know? Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Our partners don’t need to know everything that ever happened to us or every thought we have. They should, however, be clued into the big things. If we were abused as a child. If we spent time in jail. If we have children we don’t see. It is hard to have trust in a relationship when we are being kept in the dark.

Do you allow others to interfere in your relationship? We sometimes turn to friends and family to share our problems and doubts about our relationship. Depending on the person, these people then might interject themselves in your partnership. It is hard to be alone while facing a crowd.

Do you leave them feeling unloved or unsure where they stand? Some people leave us feeling almost crazy trying to read them. They tell us we are the best thing that ever happened to them, then forget our birthday. It is hard to feel secure when your partner talks constantly about this hot single coworker that just got assigned to their team.

Do you blame them for everything? It can be hard to own our mistakes, especially when there could be a painful consequence. Though this is true, our partner should not be a scapegoat for all that goes wrong for us or even our own unhappiness.

Do you lack empathy when they have a bad day? I told a guy I was seeing that I had a crappy day. He texted back that it was too bad and then went on talking about other things. That is a big red flag that he really wasn’t that interested in me and wasn’t emotionally available to me.

Do you make excuses not to be at important events? You may not have an interest in going to a partner's work party or visit their great aunt in a nursing home. While many of us might feel this way, part of caring for your partner is an interest in their life and supporting them. If an event is important to them it should be to you because your partner should be important to you.

You may find in reading these, that you are unintentionally sending mixed or off putting messages. You may even rethink if you aren’t that into them and consider what your next step should be.

Is One of You Recently Out of a Relationship?

If you carry the bricks from your past relationships to the new one you will build the same house.” Unknown

It is rare for someone to end up marrying their first ‘love’. We usually have a string of broken hearts by the time we meet the one. Being with a variety of people in our youth helps us to learn lessons about who we are, what we need, and what is healthy and appropriate in a relationship...but only if we are self-aware and brave enough to learn them.

Some not-so-great advice to get over someone is to get under someone else. With social media broadcasting everything we do, it is hard to sit at home, alone, reading self-help books and attending therapy while the ex is on a beach with the new hottie. Sometimes after a breakup, we feel like we have to win. Getting in a new relationship quickly will not actually help you get over heartbreak or give you closure, but it might feel good. Fear of loneliness or aloneness is a powerful thing...but, so is the pain of a break up.

Every relationship should teach us something. They say our failures are our best teachers, if we are only willing to learn. It is hard to own our mistakes; it is human nature to want to ignore or hide them. It is particularly hard when our heart has been broken and we are fighting over money and property. All we want to believe is that the ex is an a**hole. That is why time and distance is important if we want a new relationship to work. To not repeat history and have a better life, understanding is required.

If someone has been in a serious long-term relationship and not taken any time to process before moving to a new person, have they learned what they need to learn? So, what does someone hope for in a partner following them leaving their previous relationship? Someone who has taken some time to be alone. Someone who has done some work. Someone who knows how and why things went off the rails. Most importantly they know what mistakes they made and how they contributed to problems and have owned these missteps.

Some people refer to relationships that occur right after a breakup as rebound relationships, but Dr. Bruce Fisher and Dr. Robert Alberti term them ‘growing relationships’. Both essentially mean the same thing: a relationship we form to help us process or become the person we need to be to have a lasting relationship. Most people’s minds will go to a romantic relationship, when you picture this growing relationship.

However, not all growing relationships are created equal. If you jump into a romantic relationship to shortcut the pain or escape being alone, it is unlikely to be long lasting and healthy. Estimates vary widely as to the likely length of these relationships, but generally range anywhere from three months to a year. And, when it ends, is there another broken heart? Will you have learned important lessons about yourself and relationships? Fisher and Alberti suggest a pitfall of a romantic growing relationship is that too much time and energy is invested in the relationship and you neglect working on your own growth and healing. They also suggest that a romantic growing relationship may actually set the people back a few steps when it ends.

Following my divorce, I joined a support group that met weekly over the course of several months. This was based on a program developed specifically for divorce recovery. These were fast-formed friendships that were intense and emotional and helped us process and heal. They burned bright for about a year and, as we healed, cooled. These were healthy growing relationships. A healthy growing relationship could also be with a therapist or friend.

It is women that are more likely to enter types of healthy growing relationships. People that do the dumping – and men – are more likely to jump quickly into a romantic relationship.

I was advised by my counsellors after my divorce to wait at least a year before thinking of dating. I didn’t listen and went on a coffee date a month later. I realized while I was there that it was way too soon. I found myself sympathizing with the guy’s ex-wife! A quick internet search of how long to wait after a break up ranges from three months to a year. A long marriage, though, might require significantly more. I suppose it depends on how long you were in the relationship and what you do with the time alone.

Are You Over or Under Responsible?

“I’m a damsel. I’m in distress. I can handle this.” Disney's Hercules (1997)

While it is a fairy tale moment to have car trouble and a handsome guy pulls over to assist and you exchange numbers, being able to stand on our own is an important skill in life. No one ever marries expecting to end up on their own, but it happens in over fifty percent of cases, through divorce or death.

Being responsible is something we should all be as adults, able to care for ourselves, but also to be dependable, accountable, and trustworthy. Within a couple, we should each be responsible for ourselves, but also be a member of the team. Sometimes, though, as a survival strategy, people develop an over or under responsible way of interaction. There may be times when we need to take on this role temporarily - for example, when we have broken a bone. This is natural, but being in this state perpetually is not healthy and can lead to problems within the relationship.

There is an old movie stereotype of the helpless woman that I still see in some shows. The damsel in distress that needs a big tough man to rescue her. The man struggles with the robber while the woman stands in the background screaming. I cheer for her to pick up a chair and break it over the bad guy’s head. Gone should be the days of thinking of women as fragile, incapable, or property.

I am not picking on women here; I see many women who are over responsible, perhaps more than men. The equal rights movement is great, but far too many women now feel they have to do it all. We work, come home, cook supper, drive the children to their after school activities, and then come home and do wifely duties.

It is not hard to pick out the person who is over responsible. They are the one that volunteers to be the designated driver or cover for us at work. The one that has a safety pin in her purse. The guy that has the tool you need in his truck. When you are in trouble, they are the person you turn to.

Spotting the under responsible person in the crowd is a little trickier. They won’t be quick to volunteer for an assignment. They are likely to need to borrow a pen or five dollars because they left their wallet at home. If you won’t do what they ask, they are likely to give you a sob story or make you feel guilty.

Look to the home life of your beloved. These tendencies often have their seeds planted in childhood. What role did they have in the family dynamics? Sometimes not a lot is demanded on us growing up and we are spoiled or rather helpless. Sometimes we are not taught skills to enable us to be competent. On the flip side, some have to take on too much. If someone has come from a family where one parent left or died, the children fill the void, especially if they are the eldest.

How will these tendencies, if taken to the extreme, effect the relationship? If someone is not doing everything they need to do for themselves, are they going to be able to take on the extra responsibility that comes with having a family? Will it feel like you have a child instead of a partner? If we are not holding our own in taking care of all that needs to happen in life, we don’t have balance in the relationship.

While it may seem like a great thing to be an over responsible person, it is easy to go too far. Other people in our lives will heap on the responsibility if we let them. At first it may feel nice to be needed, it proves we have value. But at some point we become overwhelmed or burnt out. We may even come to resent this person.

There is a flip side to this. Sometimes the over responsible person has impossibly high standards, maybe even OCD. We do our best to clean the bathroom, but are told it wasn’t done right and they then redo it. We wonder: why bother? Sometimes we can’t even wrestle control from them. Again, why not just sit back and let them have it?

Some times the responsibility is not physical, but emotional. Responsibility in the form of blame is heaped on us by our partner. They leave us to feel their feelings, to say the things we should, to interact with others when they can’t. If we do this to a partner who is over responsible, they will likely shoulder these things with no complaint.

One last thought to ponder: “...the male who needs mothering is often married to an enabler/over-responsible person.” Bruce Fisher & Robert Alberti

Over Versus Under Responsible Worksheet

They might be over-responsible if:

Are they the firstborn? Firstborn children tend to be given more responsibility and therefore may be more controlling.
Are they a middle child? Middle children are more self-motivated and independent.
Have they lived on their own? Having some time to take on all the responsibilities for one’s self can only be a good thing. They have an idea of the cost and effort needed to run a household.
Did their opposite sex parent do everything for them? Sometimes we see the mother do everything for the son so they never learn how to cook or do laundry. Sometimes a dad will make sure their daughter never has to mow the lawn or change a tire.
Were they part of a family that required all members to pitch in such as a farm family?

Do they feel like everything depends on them?

Have they found out about a family tragedy at work and finished their shift?
Are they OCD regarding cleanliness?
Does others’ uncleanliness stress them out so much they start cleaning for them?

Are they unable to delegate or settle for a less then a perfect job?
Do they have impossibly high standards?
Do they do for others what they should do themselves?
Do they know the schedule of everyone in their life including those that don’t live in their house?

Do they feel like if they don’t keep on top of the situation nothing will get done?

They might be under-responsible if:

Did they grow up in a home where they never had to work for things or learn the value of them? Were they always given everything and never had to work for it?

Was there an adult male in the home? A man who is raised without a male influence may have all their emotional needs met by the females in the home and expect this of a partner.

Are they the youngest? Younger children usually shoulder less responsibility so are more carefree.
Do they always have an excuse why they can’t do things themselves?

Are they frequently late?

Do they blame others for their mistakes?

Do they neglect to take care of themselves or their possessions?

Do they frequently change jobs?

You feel like you are babysitting when you are with them?

Do they procrastinate or need a lot of reminders?
Do they always expect others to rescue them?

Do they fail to plan ahead?

Are they financially irresponsible?

Have they always had someone jump in so they have not had to experience the consequences of their actions?
Do they have a history of losing things? Forgetting deadlines? Missing appointments?

Could go either way:

Was she the only girl in the family? While this may have taught her manly skills, it also could be she was treated as fragile.
Was he the only boy? Sometimes this can mean he has had to take on the man of the family role, especially if the parents were divorced. If he was the only boy and the youngest, he could have been over-mothered and be less responsible.

Did they grow up in a very traditional family where gender roles were strictly enforced?

Did their parents divorce? This may have resulted in them having to take on more responsibility which might mean they are over responsible, but they may now be looking for someone to take on the role since they already paid their dues.

What Do Your Family and Friends Think of Your Partner?

“Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. It’s a drug. It distorts reality, and that’s the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.” Fran Lebowitz

Romeo and Juliet’s parents didn’t approve of their children’s romantic choice and we know how well that turned out. It may be that our parents will never think our choice is good enough, treat us well enough, or is the type of person we should be with. At the same time, love makes us dumb. Hormones and neurotransmitters are going off like fireworks. These make us feel good, but Dr. Feuerman explains, “Such chemistry overrides our logical, rational thought...”. In fact the more in love you are, the worse you will fare on cognitive tests.

Ask your family and friends what their impressions are of your partner. Ask for them to be brutally honest about things they have noticed. Accept this in the spirit it is intended, not as criticism, but in wanting to protect you. Your family and friends aren’t rendered brain addled by love and will have a better view of your partner without the rose-coloured glasses love places upon us.

Those that really know us only want the best for us, but they may see things we are blind to. When you see this person through another person’s lens, you will have a clearer picture of what life will be like in the long term. Some families will be very vocal about their feelings about our partner, but still others will stay silent and say it is completely our choice.

When we only see the good, our vision may be clouded in regard to what may be lacking in someone’s character. Family and friends may have an untainted view. We also sometimes act differently depending on who is around us. We might get drunk every weekend, but not if there is a staff party. In particular, during the early parts of a relationship, we try to be on our best behaviour. Someone told me that a person I was dating had no personality when I was not around. That is something I would have never observed.

Parents and older family members know what it takes to make a relationship last through good times and bad. Some may know what failure looks like. They know what attributes make for a good partner and what ones make someone challenging to live with. Dating may have been great so far, but a marriage changes over and over again and we have to change along with it. Real life will set in and you want a solid foundation to build the future on.

One thing that should be a clear red flag is if multiple people in different circumstances come up with the same evaluation or point out the same flaw. Parents tend to be overly protective, but if your co-worker also sees things the same way, you need to take a closer look. Are they right?

Sadly, the worst people sometimes come disguised as the perfect partner. Ask anyone who commits to a narcissist how great they seemed when they met. Ask a woman who is abused after the wedding how much in love she was with this great guy. They are hiding who they are and you are drunk on love. That is a dangerous combination. If something seems to be too good to be true, it usually is.

Before you discount what your friends have to say, friends know us better than we know ourselves. Studies are finding our friends are able to rate us more accurately than we rate our self on personality tests. “We use self-protective biases to help guard our often-fragile egos and maintain a positive view of ourselves. Our close friends, on the other hand, aren’t as invested in our image, so they can call things as they see them,” says Ronald E. Riggio Ph.D. Were you each to ask a friend to take a personality test about you, you would get a clearer picture than had you taken it yourself. What do you think you would learn?

Is it important to you your family and friends approve of your partner? Would you end a relationship if they didn’t? At the end of the day it is your choice.

Do You Have Similar Levels of Scruples?

“Ethics is knowing the difference between what you have the right to do and what is right to do.” Potter Stewart

There is a board game called Scruples – owned by High Game Enterprises – that gives players dilemmas, asking what they would do in these situations. For example: you are buying a house from an elderly person and they have priced the home way under market value. Do you tell them?

We all have a sense of right and wrong. It is wrong to murder someone in cold blood. Scruples refer to “...a feeling of doubt or hesitation with regard to the morality or propriety of a course of action.” Areas that are a little grey. You find five dollars on the sidewalk outside the mall. Later, you see a man asking at the information kiosk if anyone turned it in. Do you give it to him? What if it was a pregnant lady that looked like she was struggling financially?

Some would give it back. Some would reason that they were probably going to buy drugs with it. Or finders keepers. On the other hand, I know people that would dig in their wallet and give them money even if they hadn’t found the five dollars.

We should have a sense of how our partner deals with the murky areas of morality and how they treat their fellow man. Discuss these moral dilemmas and see what you would both do.

Someone wants to use your home to shoot porn. Your partner abhors porn, but is away for the weekend.

Your married friend wants to use your apartment to have one night stands.

Your friend is gay, but is marrying someone of the opposite gender who is unaware of this fact. Do you say something?

You have made a deal to sell your car and the person is on the way to meet you at a gas station. Someone calls with a better offer. Do you take it?

You want to unload your car that’s a lemon. Do you tell potential buyers of the issues you are having?

You find a wallet with no ID. Do you take the money that’s in it?

You see money fall out of someone’s pocket. Do you tell them?

A customer where you work likes you and brings you expensive gifts. You have no intention of having a relationship with them. Do you take the gifts?

A rich childless relative is close to death. Do you start visiting hoping to inherit?

Your boss tells the staff he can only give the top performer a raise. Do you take credit for others’ work so it looks like you are the top performer?

Would you do work under the table so you don’t have to pay tax?

You are in charge of the office lottery pool and one of the tickets wins a small amount that would work out to less than a hundred each. You really need the money for an emergency. Do you keep it?

Not everyone has the same level of scruples from some are almost angelic to some that are down right shady. Most of us are somewhere in the middle. This discussion is not one of morals, but of compatibility. A marriage between someone that would give the shirt off their back and someone that would sell their grandma to make a buck are going to struggle to find common ground.

Having a sense of your partner’s value system builds trust. If they have a high sense of ethics, you can trust them to do the right thing when no one is looking. If you are both operating a bit on the shady side, can you be certain they won’t act a bit inappropriately towards you? Many people, when they are divorcing, now have to deal with their partner’s shady side and their willingness to cheat just a little.