Is One of You Recently Out of a Relationship?

If you carry the bricks from your past relationships to the new one you will build the same house.” Unknown

It is rare for someone to end up marrying their first ‘love’. We usually have a string of broken hearts by the time we meet the one. Being with a variety of people in our youth helps us to learn lessons about who we are, what we need, and what is healthy and appropriate in a relationship...but only if we are self-aware and brave enough to learn them.

Some not-so-great advice to get over someone is to get under someone else. With social media broadcasting everything we do, it is hard to sit at home, alone, reading self-help books and attending therapy while the ex is on a beach with the new hottie. Sometimes after a breakup, we feel like we have to win. Getting in a new relationship quickly will not actually help you get over heartbreak or give you closure, but it might feel good. Fear of loneliness or aloneness is a powerful thing...but, so is the pain of a break up.

Every relationship should teach us something. They say our failures are our best teachers, if we are only willing to learn. It is hard to own our mistakes; it is human nature to want to ignore or hide them. It is particularly hard when our heart has been broken and we are fighting over money and property. All we want to believe is that the ex is an a**hole. That is why time and distance is important if we want a new relationship to work. To not repeat history and have a better life, understanding is required.

If someone has been in a serious long-term relationship and not taken any time to process before moving to a new person, have they learned what they need to learn? So, what does someone hope for in a partner following them leaving their previous relationship? Someone who has taken some time to be alone. Someone who has done some work. Someone who knows how and why things went off the rails. Most importantly they know what mistakes they made and how they contributed to problems and have owned these missteps.

Some people refer to relationships that occur right after a breakup as rebound relationships, but Dr. Bruce Fisher and Dr. Robert Alberti term them ‘growing relationships’. Both essentially mean the same thing: a relationship we form to help us process or become the person we need to be to have a lasting relationship. Most people’s minds will go to a romantic relationship, when you picture this growing relationship.

However, not all growing relationships are created equal. If you jump into a romantic relationship to shortcut the pain or escape being alone, it is unlikely to be long lasting and healthy. Estimates vary widely as to the likely length of these relationships, but generally range anywhere from three months to a year. And, when it ends, is there another broken heart? Will you have learned important lessons about yourself and relationships? Fisher and Alberti suggest a pitfall of a romantic growing relationship is that too much time and energy is invested in the relationship and you neglect working on your own growth and healing. They also suggest that a romantic growing relationship may actually set the people back a few steps when it ends.

Following my divorce, I joined a support group that met weekly over the course of several months. This was based on a program developed specifically for divorce recovery. These were fast-formed friendships that were intense and emotional and helped us process and heal. They burned bright for about a year and, as we healed, cooled. These were healthy growing relationships. A healthy growing relationship could also be with a therapist or friend.

It is women that are more likely to enter types of healthy growing relationships. People that do the dumping – and men – are more likely to jump quickly into a romantic relationship.

I was advised by my counsellors after my divorce to wait at least a year before thinking of dating. I didn’t listen and went on a coffee date a month later. I realized while I was there that it was way too soon. I found myself sympathizing with the guy’s ex-wife! A quick internet search of how long to wait after a break up ranges from three months to a year. A long marriage, though, might require significantly more. I suppose it depends on how long you were in the relationship and what you do with the time alone.