“Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. It’s a drug. It distorts reality, and that’s the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.” Fran Lebowitz
Romeo and Juliet’s parents didn’t approve of their children’s romantic choice and we know how well that turned out. It may be that our parents will never think our choice is good enough, treat us well enough, or is the type of person we should be with. At the same time, love makes us dumb. Hormones and neurotransmitters are going off like fireworks. These make us feel good, but Dr. Feuerman explains, “Such chemistry overrides our logical, rational thought...”. In fact the more in love you are, the worse you will fare on cognitive tests.
Ask your family and friends what their impressions are of your partner. Ask for them to be brutally honest about things they have noticed. Accept this in the spirit it is intended, not as criticism, but in wanting to protect you. Your family and friends aren’t rendered brain addled by love and will have a better view of your partner without the rose-coloured glasses love places upon us.
Those that really know us only want the best for us, but they may see things we are blind to. When you see this person through another person’s lens, you will have a clearer picture of what life will be like in the long term. Some families will be very vocal about their feelings about our partner, but still others will stay silent and say it is completely our choice.
When we only see the good, our vision may be clouded in regard to what may be lacking in someone’s character. Family and friends may have an untainted view. We also sometimes act differently depending on who is around us. We might get drunk every weekend, but not if there is a staff party. In particular, during the early parts of a relationship, we try to be on our best behaviour. Someone told me that a person I was dating had no personality when I was not around. That is something I would have never observed.
Parents and older family members know what it takes to make a relationship last through good times and bad. Some may know what failure looks like. They know what attributes make for a good partner and what ones make someone challenging to live with. Dating may have been great so far, but a marriage changes over and over again and we have to change along with it. Real life will set in and you want a solid foundation to build the future on.
One thing that should be a clear red flag is if multiple people in different circumstances come up with the same evaluation or point out the same flaw. Parents tend to be overly protective, but if your co-worker also sees things the same way, you need to take a closer look. Are they right?
Sadly, the worst people sometimes come disguised as the perfect partner. Ask anyone who commits to a narcissist how great they seemed when they met. Ask a woman who is abused after the wedding how much in love she was with this great guy. They are hiding who they are and you are drunk on love. That is a dangerous combination. If something seems to be too good to be true, it usually is.
Before you discount what your friends have to say, friends know us better than we know ourselves. Studies are finding our friends are able to rate us more accurately than we rate our self on personality tests. “We use self-protective biases to help guard our often-fragile egos and maintain a positive view of ourselves. Our close friends, on the other hand, aren’t as invested in our image, so they can call things as they see them,” says Ronald E. Riggio Ph.D. Were you each to ask a friend to take a personality test about you, you would get a clearer picture than had you taken it yourself. What do you think you would learn?
Is it important to you your family and friends approve of your partner? Would you end a relationship if they didn’t? At the end of the day it is your choice.
No comments:
Post a Comment