Does Your Partner Give a Lot of Criticism and Judgment?

“People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.” Gary Chapman

I watched Kanye West tell Kim Kardashian how to dress in the early part of their relationship. I was surprised as I always thought Kim a confident young lady, well groomed, and an inspiration to many. I didn’t think his need to make her over bode well for them as a couple. Turns out, I was right.

What we want in a partner is someone that builds us up. We want someone who helps us to be the best version of ourselves. Part of that may be feedback. Where you say to your partner, ‘your resume has grammar errors, can we please fix it before you send it out?’. Things said out of love with hopes this advice will help them get ahead. It should be noted that these are suggestions and should our partner not wish to change, we need to respect their life choice.

Let’s be clear, feedback is different from criticism. Things can always be said in a way that makes our partner want to listen. Feedback is constructive and builds us up and is given with the feelings of the recipient in mind, while criticism is blaming, can include character assassination, and leaves the recipient feeling defensive. Criticism tears us down. Feedback would be, “Your resume needs to be tweaked.”, while criticism says, “Your resume makes you look like a loser, only an idiot would hire you.”

We shouldn’t expect to be in an honest and open relationship and never receive feedback. It’s normal for a couple to frequently have complaints about each other. A marriage is a coming together with an eye towards living the good life together, not two perfect people. The way to help each other be a better person and fulfill hopes and dreams is by providing suggestions and thoughtful corrections. It isn’t so much if feedback exists at all in a relationship that spells trouble, rather the manner in which we communicate our thoughts for improvement.

Criticism is particularly damaging when it is directed not at a behaviour, but against the very essence of a person. “You are unlovable.” Dr. Joshua Klapow states that, “A partner who criticizes frequently is a partner who does not know how to communicate, may not care enough about your feelings, and may fail to consider that the relationship must work between the two of you.”

It is harmful when:

When criticism is global, i.e. ‘you never do anything right’.

It doesn’t deal with specific issues.

When it doesn’t offer helpful insight or solutions.

When there isn’t the possibility for correction.

When it labels the other person, not the issue, as bad or wrong.

When the other person’s way is the seen as the only right way.

When it’s given just to wound the other person.

When they try to change their partner into who they want them to be.

When it happens frequently.

Criticism, I believe, is different from judgment. Criticism tends to put the criticizer and the criticized on a similar plain. Judgment, puts the person doling out the judgment on a higher plain. Judgment says, I am better and I know better. People can judge without criticism.

It is an interesting fact that some people have no problem doling out criticism or judgment, but are overly sensitive when it is directed at them. Even thoughtfully given feedback is not well received. While I doubt any of us relish correction, over-sensitivity is often seen in sociopaths.

John Gottman, Ph.D., through his research is able to predict divorce with more than a ninety percent accuracy. He calls criticism one of the ‘Four Horsemen’ that spell trouble for a relationship. The one that is often the first to appear is criticism. Not only is it damaging, it can pave the way for the others to come galloping in behind. Criticism isn’t an effective form of communication. It creates distance and contempt between people. Dr. Klapow says, “We all criticize occasionally – it is human. However, there is no room in a healthy relationship for regular criticism.”