Happiest Ever After

Are You Over or Under Responsible?

“I’m a damsel. I’m in distress. I can handle this.” Disney's Hercules (1997)

While it is a fairy tale moment to have car trouble and a handsome guy pulls over to assist and you exchange numbers, being able to stand on our own is an important skill in life. No one ever marries expecting to end up on their own, but it happens in over fifty percent of cases, through divorce or death.

Being responsible is something we should all be as adults, able to care for ourselves, but also to be dependable, accountable, and trustworthy. Within a couple, we should each be responsible for ourselves, but also be a member of the team. Sometimes, though, as a survival strategy, people develop an over or under responsible way of interaction. There may be times when we need to take on this role temporarily - for example, when we have broken a bone. This is natural, but being in this state perpetually is not healthy and can lead to problems within the relationship.

There is an old movie stereotype of the helpless woman that I still see in some shows. The damsel in distress that needs a big tough man to rescue her. The man struggles with the robber while the woman stands in the background screaming. I cheer for her to pick up a chair and break it over the bad guy’s head. Gone should be the days of thinking of women as fragile, incapable, or property.

I am not picking on women here; I see many women who are over responsible, perhaps more than men. The equal rights movement is great, but far too many women now feel they have to do it all. We work, come home, cook supper, drive the children to their after school activities, and then come home and do wifely duties.

It is not hard to pick out the person who is over responsible. They are the one that volunteers to be the designated driver or cover for us at work. The one that has a safety pin in her purse. The guy that has the tool you need in his truck. When you are in trouble, they are the person you turn to.

Spotting the under responsible person in the crowd is a little trickier. They won’t be quick to volunteer for an assignment. They are likely to need to borrow a pen or five dollars because they left their wallet at home. If you won’t do what they ask, they are likely to give you a sob story or make you feel guilty.

Look to the home life of your beloved. These tendencies often have their seeds planted in childhood. What role did they have in the family dynamics? Sometimes not a lot is demanded on us growing up and we are spoiled or rather helpless. Sometimes we are not taught skills to enable us to be competent. On the flip side, some have to take on too much. If someone has come from a family where one parent left or died, the children fill the void, especially if they are the eldest.

How will these tendencies, if taken to the extreme, effect the relationship? If someone is not doing everything they need to do for themselves, are they going to be able to take on the extra responsibility that comes with having a family? Will it feel like you have a child instead of a partner? If we are not holding our own in taking care of all that needs to happen in life, we don’t have balance in the relationship.

While it may seem like a great thing to be an over responsible person, it is easy to go too far. Other people in our lives will heap on the responsibility if we let them. At first it may feel nice to be needed, it proves we have value. But at some point we become overwhelmed or burnt out. We may even come to resent this person.

There is a flip side to this. Sometimes the over responsible person has impossibly high standards, maybe even OCD. We do our best to clean the bathroom, but are told it wasn’t done right and they then redo it. We wonder: why bother? Sometimes we can’t even wrestle control from them. Again, why not just sit back and let them have it?

Some times the responsibility is not physical, but emotional. Responsibility in the form of blame is heaped on us by our partner. They leave us to feel their feelings, to say the things we should, to interact with others when they can’t. If we do this to a partner who is over responsible, they will likely shoulder these things with no complaint.

One last thought to ponder: “...the male who needs mothering is often married to an enabler/over-responsible person.” Bruce Fisher & Robert Alberti

Over Versus Under Responsible Worksheet

They might be over-responsible if:

Are they the firstborn? Firstborn children tend to be given more responsibility and therefore may be more controlling.
Are they a middle child? Middle children are more self-motivated and independent.
Have they lived on their own? Having some time to take on all the responsibilities for one’s self can only be a good thing. They have an idea of the cost and effort needed to run a household.
Did their opposite sex parent do everything for them? Sometimes we see the mother do everything for the son so they never learn how to cook or do laundry. Sometimes a dad will make sure their daughter never has to mow the lawn or change a tire.
Were they part of a family that required all members to pitch in such as a farm family?

Do they feel like everything depends on them?

Have they found out about a family tragedy at work and finished their shift?
Are they OCD regarding cleanliness?
Does others’ uncleanliness stress them out so much they start cleaning for them?

Are they unable to delegate or settle for a less then a perfect job?
Do they have impossibly high standards?
Do they do for others what they should do themselves?
Do they know the schedule of everyone in their life including those that don’t live in their house?

Do they feel like if they don’t keep on top of the situation nothing will get done?

They might be under-responsible if:

Did they grow up in a home where they never had to work for things or learn the value of them? Were they always given everything and never had to work for it?

Was there an adult male in the home? A man who is raised without a male influence may have all their emotional needs met by the females in the home and expect this of a partner.

Are they the youngest? Younger children usually shoulder less responsibility so are more carefree.
Do they always have an excuse why they can’t do things themselves?

Are they frequently late?

Do they blame others for their mistakes?

Do they neglect to take care of themselves or their possessions?

Do they frequently change jobs?

You feel like you are babysitting when you are with them?

Do they procrastinate or need a lot of reminders?
Do they always expect others to rescue them?

Do they fail to plan ahead?

Are they financially irresponsible?

Have they always had someone jump in so they have not had to experience the consequences of their actions?
Do they have a history of losing things? Forgetting deadlines? Missing appointments?

Could go either way:

Was she the only girl in the family? While this may have taught her manly skills, it also could be she was treated as fragile.
Was he the only boy? Sometimes this can mean he has had to take on the man of the family role, especially if the parents were divorced. If he was the only boy and the youngest, he could have been over-mothered and be less responsible.

Did they grow up in a very traditional family where gender roles were strictly enforced?

Did their parents divorce? This may have resulted in them having to take on more responsibility which might mean they are over responsible, but they may now be looking for someone to take on the role since they already paid their dues.

What Do Your Family and Friends Think of Your Partner?

“Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. It’s a drug. It distorts reality, and that’s the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.” Fran Lebowitz

Romeo and Juliet’s parents didn’t approve of their children’s romantic choice and we know how well that turned out. It may be that our parents will never think our choice is good enough, treat us well enough, or is the type of person we should be with. At the same time, love makes us dumb. Hormones and neurotransmitters are going off like fireworks. These make us feel good, but Dr. Feuerman explains, “Such chemistry overrides our logical, rational thought...”. In fact the more in love you are, the worse you will fare on cognitive tests.

Ask your family and friends what their impressions are of your partner. Ask for them to be brutally honest about things they have noticed. Accept this in the spirit it is intended, not as criticism, but in wanting to protect you. Your family and friends aren’t rendered brain addled by love and will have a better view of your partner without the rose-coloured glasses love places upon us.

Those that really know us only want the best for us, but they may see things we are blind to. When you see this person through another person’s lens, you will have a clearer picture of what life will be like in the long term. Some families will be very vocal about their feelings about our partner, but still others will stay silent and say it is completely our choice.

When we only see the good, our vision may be clouded in regard to what may be lacking in someone’s character. Family and friends may have an untainted view. We also sometimes act differently depending on who is around us. We might get drunk every weekend, but not if there is a staff party. In particular, during the early parts of a relationship, we try to be on our best behaviour. Someone told me that a person I was dating had no personality when I was not around. That is something I would have never observed.

Parents and older family members know what it takes to make a relationship last through good times and bad. Some may know what failure looks like. They know what attributes make for a good partner and what ones make someone challenging to live with. Dating may have been great so far, but a marriage changes over and over again and we have to change along with it. Real life will set in and you want a solid foundation to build the future on.

One thing that should be a clear red flag is if multiple people in different circumstances come up with the same evaluation or point out the same flaw. Parents tend to be overly protective, but if your co-worker also sees things the same way, you need to take a closer look. Are they right?

Sadly, the worst people sometimes come disguised as the perfect partner. Ask anyone who commits to a narcissist how great they seemed when they met. Ask a woman who is abused after the wedding how much in love she was with this great guy. They are hiding who they are and you are drunk on love. That is a dangerous combination. If something seems to be too good to be true, it usually is.

Before you discount what your friends have to say, friends know us better than we know ourselves. Studies are finding our friends are able to rate us more accurately than we rate our self on personality tests. “We use self-protective biases to help guard our often-fragile egos and maintain a positive view of ourselves. Our close friends, on the other hand, aren’t as invested in our image, so they can call things as they see them,” says Ronald E. Riggio Ph.D. Were you each to ask a friend to take a personality test about you, you would get a clearer picture than had you taken it yourself. What do you think you would learn?

Is it important to you your family and friends approve of your partner? Would you end a relationship if they didn’t? At the end of the day it is your choice.

Do You Have Similar Levels of Scruples?

“Ethics is knowing the difference between what you have the right to do and what is right to do.” Potter Stewart

There is a board game called Scruples – owned by High Game Enterprises – that gives players dilemmas, asking what they would do in these situations. For example: you are buying a house from an elderly person and they have priced the home way under market value. Do you tell them?

We all have a sense of right and wrong. It is wrong to murder someone in cold blood. Scruples refer to “...a feeling of doubt or hesitation with regard to the morality or propriety of a course of action.” Areas that are a little grey. You find five dollars on the sidewalk outside the mall. Later, you see a man asking at the information kiosk if anyone turned it in. Do you give it to him? What if it was a pregnant lady that looked like she was struggling financially?

Some would give it back. Some would reason that they were probably going to buy drugs with it. Or finders keepers. On the other hand, I know people that would dig in their wallet and give them money even if they hadn’t found the five dollars.

We should have a sense of how our partner deals with the murky areas of morality and how they treat their fellow man. Discuss these moral dilemmas and see what you would both do.

Someone wants to use your home to shoot porn. Your partner abhors porn, but is away for the weekend.

Your married friend wants to use your apartment to have one night stands.

Your friend is gay, but is marrying someone of the opposite gender who is unaware of this fact. Do you say something?

You have made a deal to sell your car and the person is on the way to meet you at a gas station. Someone calls with a better offer. Do you take it?

You want to unload your car that’s a lemon. Do you tell potential buyers of the issues you are having?

You find a wallet with no ID. Do you take the money that’s in it?

You see money fall out of someone’s pocket. Do you tell them?

A customer where you work likes you and brings you expensive gifts. You have no intention of having a relationship with them. Do you take the gifts?

A rich childless relative is close to death. Do you start visiting hoping to inherit?

Your boss tells the staff he can only give the top performer a raise. Do you take credit for others’ work so it looks like you are the top performer?

Would you do work under the table so you don’t have to pay tax?

You are in charge of the office lottery pool and one of the tickets wins a small amount that would work out to less than a hundred each. You really need the money for an emergency. Do you keep it?

Not everyone has the same level of scruples from some are almost angelic to some that are down right shady. Most of us are somewhere in the middle. This discussion is not one of morals, but of compatibility. A marriage between someone that would give the shirt off their back and someone that would sell their grandma to make a buck are going to struggle to find common ground.

Having a sense of your partner’s value system builds trust. If they have a high sense of ethics, you can trust them to do the right thing when no one is looking. If you are both operating a bit on the shady side, can you be certain they won’t act a bit inappropriately towards you? Many people, when they are divorcing, now have to deal with their partner’s shady side and their willingness to cheat just a little.

Which of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is Most Problematic for Your Partner?

“When people appear to be something other than good and decent, it is only because they are reacting to stress, pain, or the deprivation of basic human needs such as security, love, and self-esteem.” Abraham Maslow

Our behaviour can be affected by our needs or, rather, a lack of fulfillment of a need. Maslow postulates five levels in his Hierarchy of Needs. They are; Physiological, Safety, Love, Esteem, and finally Self-actualization. The ones lower on the hierarchy need to be attended to before higher ones can be achieved and we can do great things with our lives.

Physiological are our very basest of needs; food, shelter, clothes. Safety and security can be anything from our physical safety to resources, job security, and stable health. Love and belonging can be a romantic relationship, as well as friends, family, and community connections. Esteem relates to status, recognition, and respect. Self-actualization is being the best version of ourselves.

We may have climbed the ladder of needs and be at the top of our game and still have a problem with one of the rungs. A person might be on top of the world, a star in his field, amassed a fortune, and yet neglected family and friends. They sit in their huge home alone. They may even die alone, not discovered for weeks as they had no one that missed them. As we are always moving and changing, we can ping pong through the levels over a lifetime.

To help you understand what I mean, let me go first. While I believe I have worked through the levels, safety remains a sticking point for me. When I was in grade two or three, I learned the meaning of murder/suicide. A girl from my elementary school was shot and killed. It was a small town, so I knew her. If this were to happen now, councillors would be brought in to help the children process this tragedy. Back then, no one seemed to consider the impact this would have. The person I am now expects the worst and prepares like the world will end tomorrow, no matter what is happening in my life.

If a person is stuck on the first stage – physiological needs – in the sense you are struggling for food and shelter, this is definitely going to signal a challenge for a relationship. Sometimes, however, we keep circling this stage because of insecurity in childhood. People stuck here may hoard food and possessions. My grandmother, in her old age, would pass by the grapes when she was grocery shopping, even though she could afford them because when her children were young, they were an unaffordable luxury.

Love and belonging is a need that my blog focuses on often. It’s a need that can lead to a lot of heartache if we lead with just our hearts. People will put the need for love above their well-being when they put up with bad behaviour or abuse, stating they stay because they love them so much. Within a relationship, there are some that, when they don’t feel loved, will look for it outside the relationship.

Self-esteem is a problem for many people. We see it in the young girl that worries about her weight and wearing the right clothes. We may not recognize it, though, in the young boy that’s running with the wrong crowd and trying to act tough. When we turn into adults, it doesn’t go way, but likely looks different. A man that won’t be caught dead at the ballet. A woman that is always on social media posting happy family moments even when the family is in chaos. When someone has struggled with esteem their whole life, this insecurity may rear its ugly head anytime they feel less than.

People that are stuck on the last stage or are stalled trying to reach this stage may find themselves trying to find the meaning of life or beating themselves up wondering what their purpose is. This is something often seen in midlife when people have an existential crisis. When they question what’s it all about. The stereotypical example of this is men in their fifties that hit the gym, buy a sports car, and leave their wife. Let me be clear: this is not just a male affliction, but men tend to define themselves more often by career and status.

When you know what area is problematic for your spouse, it can bring understanding to actions that may puzzle you and a clue as to what support your partner needs from you.

Do They Use Phrases Like 'if you love me you will...'?

“Don’t resort to blackmail or manipulation to get your way in your marriage. They both undermine love and trust.” Kemmy Nola

Everyone has times when they really want their way. We are all, at heart, just trying to fill our own needs...unless perhaps you are Mother Teresa. During infancy, all we know is what we want and will cry until we get it. As we age, we learn that we have to fit into the structure set up by our tribe. In childhood and beyond, we learn that we can’t get away with eating all the chocolate chip cookies or walking around outside naked. We learn there are rules as to what is acceptable in society and how we need to fit in with our family, friends, and co-workers.

If you have ever met an only child that has never been told no or had to deal with losing a game you have a prime candidate for someone who will struggle with school, work, and relationships. They may struggle with the concept of compromise, sharing, and being a graceful loser. To have a balanced and healthy relationship, we need to have a handle on these abilities. We should both have an equal say and be able sometimes to pick which movie we watch or where we go on vacation.

Sometimes people are so desperate to have power, hold onto something, or get their own way that they will try anything to keep it within their grasp. If someone were to physically torture another to get their way, we could clearly see this as wrong, but it is also possible to emotionally torture someone. Dr. Susan Forward defines this behaviour as, “When the people in your life use fear, obligation, and guilt to manipulate you.” She coined the term ‘Emotional Blackmail’. The phrase, ‘If you love me you will...’ is the perfect example. If you don’t do what they ask, your very love is called into doubt. In much the same way a toddler knows he can get candy at the store if he screams and creates a scene, blackmailers are charming toddlers using sophisticated methods to get their candy.

Emotional blackmail comes in more than one form. There is the tantalizer: You will really like it. The smooth talker that will wear you down with words and even make it seem like their demands are reasonable. The brow beater will demean you and make you feel selfish. The punisher can use both physical and/or emotional means. They may stop doing something nice like buying your favourite cereal or withhold love, sex, etc. The victim uses guilt as a weapon, “after all I did...”. Self-punishers put their own safety at risk. Let’s call these what they are: abuse.

No emotional blackmail is healthy, but it is especially unhealthy if the blackmailer puts themselves before good opportunities like a job or schooling. I have heard of people that turn down scholarships to a good school just because it that would take them away from a romantic partner. If a love is true, it will last through this time. You should want the best for each other.

When we love someone deeply, we might feel we would do anything for that love. That should not mean the other person always gets their way. No matter how deeply you love someone, there needs to be a balance in the relationship. It can be a guy you are dating that tells you you must perform a sexual act to prove your love or the woman that tells you you must marry her since you knocked her up. If they have to wheedle or spin a story or question your commitment to get the answer they want, it is not coming from a place of free will. A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.

What might an early sign of emotional blackmail be?

I bought dinner so you owe me...

It can be subtle, ‘you don’t really want to do that’.

If you don’t come over maybe someone else will.

A guy’s got needs.

Everyone agrees you’re wrong.

If you move away, I’ll date someone else.

You’re destroying this relationship.

I’m nothing without you.

If someone is using the threat of harm to you or themselves, you need to get help. This is too big and serious to handle on your own. This is very unhealthy and can lead to serious harm or death. You may think that if they threaten to harm themselves it is just bluster. It isn’t always, take it seriously. It’s not a sign of how deeply they love you that they would rather die then be with you. Look how Romeo and Juliet turned out. If the threat of harm happens while you are dating, consider this a deal breaker.

When you are young and the threat of harm comes up this is way too much to deal with on your own, immediately reach out to your support system. There are crisis hotlines you can call if you don’t feel you have someone to turn to. Take it seriously and act immediately.

Does Your Partner Make Questionable Decisions?

“Life presents many choices, the choices we make determine our future.” Catherine Pulsifer

I knew a young man that wanted to go on a ski trip with friends, a trip he couldn’t afford. He wasn’t about to miss out on the opportunity and managed to come up with the money. By robbing a bank. They say the best stories come from bad decisions. This is probably true. Living with the consequences of them sure makes great material for cautionary tales for parents to tell their preteens.

We have all done stupid things and made bad decisions and that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. If we learn from them. Poor choices are often our best teachers. If they don’t cause catastrophic outcomes that leave other people damaged, leave us financially crippled, or result in a life sentence... I am not talking small things like buying a dog without discussing it with your partner. I’m talking about buying two large dogs when your rental doesn’t allow them and available rentals in your area is zero.

Your partner is going to make decisions you feel are wrong. You are going to make decisions they disagree with. Part of being a couple is working through these. Like buying that used car, just because it looks flashy. Turns out it’s a lemon and costs a lot in repairs to keep it on the road. These things happen and can be worked through. A partner that continually makes bad decisions and doesn’t seem to learn from them, though, could be extremely problematic.

If there exists a pattern of making poor choices, you may feel more like a babysitter than a partner. No one wants to have to dole out a weekly allowance to their partner or follow them around to check up on them. As well, certain choices may put your health and well-being at risk, as well as that of any children. If your partner ends up in jail, can you take care of all the bills and chores? If they lose your life savings gambling, are you able to move back in with your parents? If they drive drunk with your kids in the car and have a fatal accident, will you ever heal from the pain?

You may already be aware that your partner tends to make questionable choices, but often we see potential. We believe that our love and having children will be enough to set them on the right path. The phrase I saw their potential just might be the words that are spoken most often in a therapist’s or divorce lawyer’s offices. Love, though, is blind...so it may be that you have no idea your partner is reckless. It might seem that they are just adventurous or like to party. It’s all fun until they spend their whole paycheque on magic beans.

Ask your self these questions:

Is there a criminal or juvenile record?

Are they impulsive or don’t see the big picture and how their decisions will play out in the future?

Have they filed for bankruptcy or have a record of financial irresponsibility?

Is there a history of fighting?

Do they abuse alcohol or drugs?

Are they a nasty and unpredictable drunk?

Do they drive after drinking?

Are there other addictive behaviours i.e. compulsive shopping, gambling?

Does money burn a hole in their pocket?

Do they have an inordinate amount of debt?

Has there been a lot of job turnover?

Have there been a lot of serious relationships or marriages?

Do they take unnecessary risks?

A man I spoke with had decided to retire at fifty-five. He blew through his money in just a few years, in silly ways. He didn’t buy a house or make investments, just used the money for fun. He ended up having to go back to work. I’m no financial whiz, but as he struggled to pay his rent, I wasn’t sure he would be able to retire again, ever. He told me he was looking for a romantic partner that would help him make good decisions.

Who wants to spend their life having to babysit someone who is supposed to be an equal partner?