What Type of Love Do You Have for Your Partner?

“We loved with a love that was more than love.” Edgar Allan Poe

It doesn’t take the ancient Greeks to know there are different kinds of love. I love my high heels, but that love is very different from the love I feel for my children. In their wisdom, the ancient Greeks divided the ways we love others into eight types, but sadly no category for how I feel about shoes!

In researching the types, it became clear to me that most people don’t recognize the differences in the way we feel love and think that if they feel any sort of love for another person, it is enough to base a commitment on. The Inuit have more than one word for snow (some say it is more than fifty) because in the earliest days their very survival depended on knowing how the weather would effect travel and hunting. Not understanding the variations of love will not kill you, but could certainly lead to heartbreak.

The types are:

Agape – Unconditional love

Eros – Sexual attraction
Ludus – Playful and flirtatious love
Mania – Obsessive love (Not healthy)
Philautia – Self love
Philia – Deep friendship
Pragma – Enduring love
Storge – Familial love

I believe the most important of these if you hope to make a relationship work is Philautia or self love. I see too many people entering relationships for the wrong reasons; to fill a void, to avoid life, to make up for the love we don’t feel for ourselves: If someone loves me I must have value. We don’t need anyone to complete us, as romantic as that seems. We need to be whole, emotionally healthy, and loving who we are, exactly as we are.

The first types of love you are likely to experience when you meet a potential mate is Eros and Ludus. You see a hot girl across the bar and you give her the look. She smiles and waves. You send her a drink. All the flirting you do to gauge a person’s interest. If the chemistry is right, you move onto Eros or passion and sex. At this point it’s fun, it feels good, life is sweet...you’re in love. But what love? Not the enduring kind. Sadly, too many people make a decision to marry at this point.

The problem with Eros and Ludus is they tend to burn out after a while. Ludus is so much fun because the part of the brain that lights up when we are in the throes of this is the same as someone high on drugs. Eros is a self-serving, egocentric based love that focuses on our wants and needs. Passion fades. It is no longer fun to flirt with someone you live with. A few years down the road you have a kid, you are in debt, she has put on weight, and he doesn’t help with the housework. Because this was all based on superficial love, you find there is no foundation for you to stay together.

To make a relationship long-lasting, you need to move the passion you initially feel to a higher form of love. Pragma is mature love that develops over time. It is the result of not only choosing wisely, but of working through issues with a commitment to staying together as a couple. Philia is described by some as brotherly love, without romantic or physical attraction. I don’t hold the belief that a healthy relationship can’t have this sort of love. We hear of cases of people who were friends since childhood that suddenly realize they want to marry. Arranged marriages have a low rate of divorce and these don’t necessarily start with passionate love.

A case could even be made for Storge as being a form of love that is enduring and healthy within a relationship. Sexual attraction is not important to some people and is becoming more acceptable to acknowledge. If the parties are both asexual or one person is and the other is accepting of this, the love might very well be one of familial love. This could also be what people within an arranged marriage experience.

To reach these higher forms of love, you need to put in effort to get to know the other person, their hopes and dreams, but more importantly their flaws and dark side. Would we want them as a friend? Do they care about who we really are and help us be the best version of ourselves? This takes time, awareness, and asking hard questions.

The love you have today, might not be the love you feel tomorrow. Love changes over time. Life happens, stressors occur, and our bodies change as we age. The passion may have burned off, but if it is an important relationship we will have done the work to have a foundation that we can build on to reach a higher love.

Is Agape possible in a romantic relationship? Doubtful. Unconditional love, I believe, is rare outside of perhaps a parent and child relationship. Would I continue a relationship with a partner that hit me or cheated on me? No. We need boundaries and it is healthy to have them.

Are Critiques Given Lovingly?

 "Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots." Frank A. Clark

Over the long haul, it is hard to maintain the sweet demeanour we use when we are still in the blush of new love. It is only in romantic movies where the beloved is perfect (never belches, leaves underwear on the floor, or forgets to pay the electric bill). Once you are an old married couple, how will criticism be handled?

There are days in every relationship where we want to shout at our partner, “What the hell is wrong with you?” It may be hard to imagine while you are madly in love, but I will let you in on a secret, there will come a time when things you might think are cute now are going to drive you crazy.

Within every healthy relationship – friends, co-worker, partner – we need to find a way to get along. A friend or co-worker may be easy to avoid when you have disagreements, but someone you share a bed with, not so much. Unless you like sleeping on the couch, you need to hone good skills in the area of dealing with complaints lovingly.

John Gottman differentiates complaints and criticism: complaints focus on the action or lack there of (i.e. ‘Today was garbage day’), while criticism indicates the person is wrong (i.e. ‘Are you so stupid you can’t remember Thursday is garbage day?’). Criticism is one of the four horsemen, Gottman extols, as a communication style that can predict the end of a relationship. One of the deadliest acts we can perpetrate on our partnership. Criticism says you are bad, complaints attack the problem and say something you did is wrong.

We are primed for self-preservation. Some of us are, of course, very good at putting others first; Mother Teresa, for example. But most of us are not quite so selfless. Dr. Stan Tatkin takes this further and states, “The brain’s wired first and foremost for war rather than love. Its primary function is to ensure we survive as individuals...” So, it seems, if we were not allowed to ever express a discouraging word to our spouse, we would probably explode. You are going to fight and you are going to get mad at each other, that is normal. Character assassination, however, is never appropriate, but especially not towards those we love. A couple should be together to help each other grow, to become better people. Leave the character assassination for the smear campaigns of politics.

Attacking each other in a relationship never makes for a better marriage. Do you want someone you truly love to feel bad about themselves? Wounding someone, especially if it is on purpose, is sadistic. My dad always told me a wounded animal is a very dangerous animal. They will strike out either to defend themselves or in response to their pain. Your spouse, if you are wounding them emotionally, may lash out as well. An eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind.

How will you know while love is still new if this is something you are likely to face? How do disagreements feel? Are there low blows or criticism disguised as a joke? Look to family members and how they handle conflict. Character assassination may have been the only form of correction the person has been subjected to since birth.

I was once told that we need to speak so someone will listen. Too often people use volume to make that happen. We need to remember our words have power. Some of our deepest wounds come from words. Before speaking, think if you would want those words directed at you. If I were to say to an overweight friend, “You’re fat and never get off the couch”, they would be hurt and probably not want to be my friend. This approach is almost a guarantee I will not get the response I am hoping for. If I were to say, “I am worried about your health, want to come running with me?” I would get a much better response.

A healthy marriage should never have a ‘you vs. me’ mentality. An army would not win a war if every soldier worried only about himself. If you as a couple stand back to back, you will be able to see any trouble coming. If you can see this horseman before you even wed it is time to take action, to grab the reins, and turn this beast around immediately.

Does Your Partner Have a Disposable Personality?

“Even when I know I should recycle, my subconscious still falls back on the cultural norm that whatever seems easiest at the time is good enough.” Unknown

There are people who value what they have. People who perform routine maintenance of their car and wash it weekly. People who mend a rip in a shirt. People who look at an aging coffee pot and decide even if it isn’t the most efficient they will keep it until it no longer works.

There are others who may upgrade now and again, but do so responsibly. The car that can’t pass inspection can be donated to charity. The microwave from twenty years ago may no longer be safe and is not very energy efficient. They may try to sell it online rather than trash it or they take it to a recycling centre. Items that can go in a blue bin are cleaned so as not to contaminate the whole load.

Honestly, recycling is confusing. A 2011 survey found that only fifty percent of adults admitted to recycling daily. What is recyclable and where does it go? Can I leave the label on a tin can? Are milk containers eligible for a refund? Do I have the time to wash jars? Are lids recyclable? It takes too much time to drive to the recycling centre. There are many barriers to doing it and doing it right. Yet, does your partner still try?

At one time replacing an object was not so easy and was more expensive than to do a repair. Parts were readily available to fix what broke. Now, companies don’t offer that service. If a small widget breaks, you need to buy the whole contraption. Companies know that people are becoming more accepting of throwing out the old and buying new.

What of those that don’t care about the green way of living? They replace needlessly and don’t care if the old goes in the trash. They feel their effort either will not make a difference or that global warming is unstoppable. They may place all the blame on big business and the government and don’t make any personal effort.

Does your partners ideation on the topic relate to how they view people and relationships? If they don’t value our planet, will they work hard at a relationship that becomes inconvenient or uncomfortable? Will they place all the blame on their partner? We are in a time where it is easier than ever to disconnect from people in our lives. We just ghost them or send a text that avoids the discomfort of the devastation this might cause.

The idea that our relationships are becoming disposable is so prevalent that a Google search has more than forty million suggestions. The ease of the internet and the seemly endless buffet of options offered on dating sites gives us the impression there is always someone better waiting. Are we really so hypnotized by all the sappy movies and fairy tales that we believe we will find the perfect partner that never farts or forgets our anniversary? Do we think that hot girl looks that way when she wakes up in the morning? Do we believe our next partner will have no flaws and will never challenge us? More and more people are saying that if things with their partner got difficult they would end the relationship.

I can find no research into whether a person that cares deeply for Mother Earth and tries to be a good steward for her will be a sturdy romantic partner but I believe they are likely to put in more effort than someone who doesn’t. In my eyes, it stands to reason that someone who cares about his planet and possessions, won’t throw in the towel when the going gets tough. I believe this is the sort that will work at issues and seek help when it is needed.

Do You Understand That Men and Women Use Conversation Differently?

“The key to conversation at work is flexibility and understanding how what you say might be perceived by others.” Deborah Tannen

It is easy to slip into the role of assuming that everyone sees the world as we do. This was brought home to me at dinner one night when the family debated the colour of a school bus. This seemed to me very cut and dried before this day. Half saw the bus as orange, the other yellow. We argued throughout the meal and at the end it was not solved and no one had changed their minds.

Deborah Tannen, a linguist, states “...men and women have different assumptions about the place of talk in relationships.” She further points out there are gender differences in conversational style – that the sexes see the world differently and this is reflected in our conversations. We should start any interaction from the standpoint of trying to reach a meeting of the minds. To do this within a romantic couple, we need to first understand this sex difference in what language means to each of us and how we use it.

It is a widely used joke that women never shut up. We need to have the understanding that they are trying to make a connection and if they don’t feel that is happening, they will talk more. Women try to “...protect themselves from other's attempts to push them away.” For women, “...conversations are negotiations for closeness...confirmation and support...a struggle to preserve intimacy and avoid isolation.” Women ‘rapport’ talk.

Men value themselves by how much power and control they have. For them, conversation is “...negotiations in which people try to achieve and maintain the upper hand...and protect themselves from others’ attempts to put them down and push them around...a contest, a struggle to preserve independence and avoid failure.” Men 'report’ talk.

In a relationship, when I reminded my male partner that a job needed to be done, it immediately provoked anger. Since males see conversation as a power struggle, he saw this reminder as me bossing him around. Were he to immediately do it, that would mean, in his mind, I was in charge. Somehow him leaving windows only partially installed for three years was no reason for me to remind him and I was a nag.

“That women have been labelled ‘nags’ may result from the interplay of men’s and women’s styles, whereby many women are inclined to do what is asked of them and many men are inclined to resist even the slightest hint that anyone, especially a woman, is telling them what to do. A woman will be inclined to repeat a request that doesn’t get a response because she is convinced that her husband would do what she asks, if he only understood that she really wants him to do it. But a man who wants to avoid feeling that he is following orders may instinctively wait before doing what she asked, in order to imagine that he is doing it of his own free will. Nagging is the result, because each time she repeats the request, he again puts off fulfilling it.”

Tannen's book, You Just Don't Understand, offers helpful insight into the baffling world of man-speak/woman-speak. Things like male to male conversation often takes place when something else is going on. Usually while not facing one another, like watching the game or fixing the car. It may be overwhelming to ask a man to share his feelings with you while face to face sitting alone at the kitchen table. Men often complain women's style is bossy, as in the use of 'let’s', which is used as a suggestion and a way of building community. Author Barbara De Angelis, states, “Men often misinterpret our suggestions, advice and feedback as attack and criticism.”

Conversations that were once baffling and hurtful begin to make sense. “...Understanding genderlects improves relationships.” Though we are unlikely to change, and maybe should not, the other’s conversational style, having insight into the way that the mind of the other and the intent behind their words will lead to less conflict.

What should be our take away here? Not that we should accept this, say ‘that’s how men/women are.’ Rather we need to understand where each is coming from and have an open discussion. The man needs to put aside his ego and take out the trash if this is a task he has taken responsibility for and if he has missed trash pick up day, he needs to own this. Next week he should not need reminding and his wife will not need to feel like a nag. Women need to understand that sometimes continuing to talk when they believe men are not listening (as they don’t always display listening cues: head nods, etc.) may have the opposite effect intended.

We need to talk so we are heard. I am not talking volume, but having the other person receive and understand the intended information.

Which 'Big Five' Personality Trait Do You Most Embody?

“Kiss a frog with your eyes wide open. If he turns into a prince you won't miss the transformation, but if he doesn't, you won't be fooled by some wishful illusion in your head.” Richelle E. Goodrich

Trying to fill an opening in a company is tough. The person being interviewed wants the job and will show their best side to entice the employer to hire them. We put on nice clothes, show up early, and answer questions to reflect that we are trustworthy, hard working, and intelligent. The employer, of course, knows this and attempts to ferret out those who truly possess these qualities and those who do not possess the necessary skills or are undependable. Trying to find a partner that we can envision staying with for the long haul is just like this: we work hard when we meet someone to make a good impression. It is only when we know each other better that the cracks in the facade start to show through.

To aid in the process of choosing the right person for a job, tests have been developed to focus on the five basic traits that form a large part of human personality. These ‘big five’ traits are: Agreeableness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Neuroticism, and Openness. These traits exist on a continuum and the blend of these five traits in a person is a predictor of their behaviour. These traits are a window into ourselves and, while are helpful in finding an employee, they are also a predictor of marital outcomes.

Just like it sounds, a person who is high in agreeableness is cooperative, sympathetic, and friendly. Someone on the disagreeable end of this continuum is far more concerned with meeting their own needs than extending themselves for others.

Conscientiousness is a desire to do a thorough and competent job. People high in this attribute will be careful, efficient, organized, and take tasks seriously. It is also found they are safer drivers and live longer. On the other hand, people who are lacking in conscientiousness have poor follow-through, act impulsively, are unprepared, and have less concern for others. They are also more likely to engage in criminal or anti-social behaviour.

We are all familiar with the term extraversion – or as it is commonly spelled extroversion – and envision the life of the party. They are seen as talkative, gregarious, energetic, and highly social. Carl Jung coined the term, asserting that people high in this attribute gain gratification outside themselves. People low on this scale will be quiet, aloof, and find too much social interaction draining. These people have rich inner lives and seek gratification internally.

Neuroticism is a very loaded word and forms of this are bandied about as an insult. Neuroticism should not be confused with neurosis. Neurosis was once a diagnosis used by doctors to describe mental health issues, neuroticism is a personality trait that does not impair daily functioning. People high in this trait are more likely to have severe levels of fear, anxiety, worry, depressed moods, and be more sensitive to stressors. If you score on the low end, you are calm, balanced, emotionally stable, and less likely to be upset by external stress.

Openness should not be confused with extraversion. Openness in this sense relates to imagination, sense of adventure, and open-mindedness. Conversely, if you are low in this attribute, you will be cautious, rigid, and struggle with change, preferring routine.

In any partnership, though especially loving relationships, we desire someone that possesses the qualities that will ensure a happy and healthy long-term pairing. Taking this test can help with this. Before you show your score to your beloved, ask a close friend or relative to take the test about you. Results have shown that friends will be able to rate you more honestly than you rate yourself. Once you compare all the test results, you can gauge if you can work together in a fashion that will ensure a happier ever after.

Not surprisingly, individuals who have a high degree of agreeableness and conscientiousness tend to have greater relationship satisfaction. Low levels of these were possible predictors of infidelity. High levels of extraversion indicate we are with someone fun to be with, but as David Schmidt (2008) found, this personality type can be linked to short-term mating. Sadly, for someone high in neuroticism, relationship outcomes are less positive. Openness, however, factors very little in how well things work out for couples.

This data is helpful in knowing what will work and what would be a bad idea within the relationship. If someone fears change, you might not want to throw them a surprise party. If someone is high in extraversion, a week long silent retreat is unlikely to be on their vacation bucket list.

Be wary, though, of choosing someone very similar to you if you are in it for the long haul. Michelle Shiota & Robert Levenson (2007) found that while we are happy in our youth to be with someone similar to us in these attributes, in our later years we are not.

Is One Person Doing Most of the Compromising?

“You should not be the one doing all the bending. Compromise is a two-way street.” Oprah Winfrey

If your relationship is like most couples’ there will be a lot of disagreements over the years, big and small. Whether to take a job in another city, to paint the room blue or green, to order pizza or burgers. The way a healthy relationship works is that sometimes you get your way and sometimes they do...and sometimes, you meet in the middle and order tacos.

Some people are really good at compromising. They would win the Nobel prize at compromising. These are people-pleasers. Some do so in order to feel safe, some to keep the peace, but some genuinely care more about the other person than eating the last slice of pizza. Some are not at all good at bending. They use phrases like: My way or the highway.

While dating, if you disagree on the type of movie to see, who gives in? When you have different opinions on a restaurant, where do you eat? It may seem harmless at the time. It may feel like, ‘I love them so what does it matter?’ Dating is actually a job interview... People date because they want something. Asexual hermits do not date. So, if your partner is someone who feels entitled to always get their way, what are you saying by always giving in? This is a pattern that may play out through the rest of your marriage.

To have a healthy relationship, we need to have give and take. Ideally, we should have learned sharing as toddlers... I see families where they play games, but always let the child win; they are not doing them a service. In real life, they won’t always succeed...someone will get a better grade, someone else will get the job, they won’t win the lottery. This is a person who may grow up lacking in an ability to handle the discomfort of not getting their way. Is this someone you want to spend forever with?

I feel you can learn a lot by observing those close to your partner. Do they engage in win-lose discussions? Does one person always lead? If you wish to avoid this, in the early part of the relationship you need to set the tone. Insist on sometimes picking the activity. If this relationship is worth pursuing, your partner will accept this with charm and grace.

Ask yourself what the balance of power looks like in this relationship. If someone is always leading, always making the decisions, then the relationship is lopsided. This isn’t the 1950’s, when the wife stayed home and had the husband’s pipe and slippers waiting. This configuration is now in the minority. Why, then, should we not have equal say in what is happening in our home and our life?

If you are a people-pleaser, you could become a doormat that ends up feeling all used up down the road. If you are with a selfish person, you will end up living out their hopes and dreams and not yours. You will wake up one day and realize you are very unfulfilled. You may even feel like a part of the furniture.

Are women better at compromise? Researcher Aaron Ben-Zeev Ph.D. finds that when women are young, they are more likely to make compromises in their relationships, men when they are old. I speak in other articles about how testosterone affects the way in which men make decisions. They make snap decisions and think they are right. They may feel, due to the way they are socialized, that as the man, they need to display leadership and show that they know what is right for the relationship. As we age, men’s testosterone declines – as does women’s estrogen –so we can meet in the middle and make decisions together. That does not help us when we are first starting out, but this knowledge does.

You should be making shared decisions. To be sneaky and do things to get your own way breaks down trust. To yell and intimidate to win breaks down your connection. The ability to compromise within a relationship shows a sense of teamwork. A relationship is not a me versus you situation. If one partner always wins, the relationship loses.

Is Marriage in the Cards?

“I’ll pretend to give a crap about Super Bowl if you pretend to give a crap about Valentine’s Day.” Unknown

In romantic movies, the woman is overwhelmed with gifts, flowers, cards, and amorous adventures. They come home from a hard day of work to see a trail of rose petals that lead to a bathtub filled with bubbles, candles burning, and a chilled glass of champagne. Rarely is life like this, especially beyond the dating stage. Once the vows have been said, so too often does the effort the dating period required.

While flowers or cards may not seem important to some, others see these as external evidence of love. That you mean enough to go out and pick out a card or a some flowers or even a brownie from the bakery. The media has fed us a steady diet of ‘if you are loved, you will receive these things’.

I see statistics that suggest of 37-64% of men buy flowers for Valentines day. I question this figure, but suspect these are guys buying for girlfriends, because I rarely see it happening for the wives I know. Women, on the other hand, buy more cards. I can’t tell you what buying flowers mean for a relationship, but it turns out that cards can be used to look at commitment and interplay in a relationship.

Run and fetch any cards you have received from your beloved. Is your name spelled right? You laugh, but I received cards from my husband with my name spelled wrong. That should have been a clue we would end up divorced. Joanne Richard researched and wrote an interesting article in the Calgary Sun newspaper (2012) on the topic of what cards reveal.

“When it comes to Valentine’s Day cards, if your name is on the envelope and it’s large and neat, that’s the write stuff. And if your name is inside the card too, love is in the air.” If your name does not appear at all, he may not be that into you.

Have they signed the card? It may sound funny, but I have received completely blank cards. He didn’t know what to say. He missed that class in life, apparently. If they don’t sign or just use initials, they don’t “...want to be associated with writing the card,” Richards states.

Is the gifter’s name larger then the recipient’s? You can guess this isn’t a good sign as well. A larger signature, according to Forensic Graphologist Andrea McNichol, indicates that “...he’s stroking his own ego and considers himself more important than you.” No relationship is healthy and can have balance where one person considers them self better than or you don't matter as much as themselves.

Is their signature far from the sweet sentiment in the card? Take that and the distance between words as a sign of the distance they want to put from you and this whole romantic loving scene.

Did they make mistakes in their writing or make a card on the computer with spelling errors? It happens, of course, but if it’s a pattern, then I am with Freud: this is probably a sign they don’t value you as much as you deserve.

Jane Paterson wrote a guide to handwriting analysis for Readers Digest that outlines a guide to personality assessment based on writing alone. It turns out we reveal our personalities not just in what we say when we hand write, but the way we put pen to paper. Writing “...bears the indelible stamp of his personality.” Experts look at size, pressure, slant, spacing, and so much more to know if we are a good person or someone to give a wide berth. Companies even hire graphologists when they are hiring for a top level job. Want to know if someone has a cold nature? “Left-slanted writing, narrow, sharp stroke. Angular letter connections and words far apart.”

While this is helpful information if you are headed into a relationship, it can also be a yardstick to see how things are going later in the relationship. Do you still get cards? Do the cards indicate that you still have a balanced, loving connection? Paying attention to red flags that things are headed in the wrong direction can help you get pointed towards happy ever after again.

Too bad we now do most of our communication by text or email. Maybe your first date should involve an essay question, completely hand written.