Is One Person Doing Most of the Compromising?

“You should not be the one doing all the bending. Compromise is a two-way street.” Oprah Winfrey

If your relationship is like most couples’ there will be a lot of disagreements over the years, big and small. Whether to take a job in another city, to paint the room blue or green, to order pizza or burgers. The way a healthy relationship works is that sometimes you get your way and sometimes they do...and sometimes, you meet in the middle and order tacos.

Some people are really good at compromising. They would win the Nobel prize at compromising. These are people-pleasers. Some do so in order to feel safe, some to keep the peace, but some genuinely care more about the other person than eating the last slice of pizza. Some are not at all good at bending. They use phrases like: My way or the highway.

While dating, if you disagree on the type of movie to see, who gives in? When you have different opinions on a restaurant, where do you eat? It may seem harmless at the time. It may feel like, ‘I love them so what does it matter?’ Dating is actually a job interview... People date because they want something. Asexual hermits do not date. So, if your partner is someone who feels entitled to always get their way, what are you saying by always giving in? This is a pattern that may play out through the rest of your marriage.

To have a healthy relationship, we need to have give and take. Ideally, we should have learned sharing as toddlers... I see families where they play games, but always let the child win; they are not doing them a service. In real life, they won’t always succeed...someone will get a better grade, someone else will get the job, they won’t win the lottery. This is a person who may grow up lacking in an ability to handle the discomfort of not getting their way. Is this someone you want to spend forever with?

I feel you can learn a lot by observing those close to your partner. Do they engage in win-lose discussions? Does one person always lead? If you wish to avoid this, in the early part of the relationship you need to set the tone. Insist on sometimes picking the activity. If this relationship is worth pursuing, your partner will accept this with charm and grace.

Ask yourself what the balance of power looks like in this relationship. If someone is always leading, always making the decisions, then the relationship is lopsided. This isn’t the 1950’s, when the wife stayed home and had the husband’s pipe and slippers waiting. This configuration is now in the minority. Why, then, should we not have equal say in what is happening in our home and our life?

If you are a people-pleaser, you could become a doormat that ends up feeling all used up down the road. If you are with a selfish person, you will end up living out their hopes and dreams and not yours. You will wake up one day and realize you are very unfulfilled. You may even feel like a part of the furniture.

Are women better at compromise? Researcher Aaron Ben-Zeev Ph.D. finds that when women are young, they are more likely to make compromises in their relationships, men when they are old. I speak in other articles about how testosterone affects the way in which men make decisions. They make snap decisions and think they are right. They may feel, due to the way they are socialized, that as the man, they need to display leadership and show that they know what is right for the relationship. As we age, men’s testosterone declines – as does women’s estrogen –so we can meet in the middle and make decisions together. That does not help us when we are first starting out, but this knowledge does.

You should be making shared decisions. To be sneaky and do things to get your own way breaks down trust. To yell and intimidate to win breaks down your connection. The ability to compromise within a relationship shows a sense of teamwork. A relationship is not a me versus you situation. If one partner always wins, the relationship loses.