Do You Understand That Men and Women Use Conversation Differently?

“The key to conversation at work is flexibility and understanding how what you say might be perceived by others.” Deborah Tannen

It is easy to slip into the role of assuming that everyone sees the world as we do. This was brought home to me at dinner one night when the family debated the colour of a school bus. This seemed to me very cut and dried before this day. Half saw the bus as orange, the other yellow. We argued throughout the meal and at the end it was not solved and no one had changed their minds.

Deborah Tannen, a linguist, states “...men and women have different assumptions about the place of talk in relationships.” She further points out there are gender differences in conversational style – that the sexes see the world differently and this is reflected in our conversations. We should start any interaction from the standpoint of trying to reach a meeting of the minds. To do this within a romantic couple, we need to first understand this sex difference in what language means to each of us and how we use it.

It is a widely used joke that women never shut up. We need to have the understanding that they are trying to make a connection and if they don’t feel that is happening, they will talk more. Women try to “...protect themselves from other's attempts to push them away.” For women, “...conversations are negotiations for closeness...confirmation and support...a struggle to preserve intimacy and avoid isolation.” Women ‘rapport’ talk.

Men value themselves by how much power and control they have. For them, conversation is “...negotiations in which people try to achieve and maintain the upper hand...and protect themselves from others’ attempts to put them down and push them around...a contest, a struggle to preserve independence and avoid failure.” Men 'report’ talk.

In a relationship, when I reminded my male partner that a job needed to be done, it immediately provoked anger. Since males see conversation as a power struggle, he saw this reminder as me bossing him around. Were he to immediately do it, that would mean, in his mind, I was in charge. Somehow him leaving windows only partially installed for three years was no reason for me to remind him and I was a nag.

“That women have been labelled ‘nags’ may result from the interplay of men’s and women’s styles, whereby many women are inclined to do what is asked of them and many men are inclined to resist even the slightest hint that anyone, especially a woman, is telling them what to do. A woman will be inclined to repeat a request that doesn’t get a response because she is convinced that her husband would do what she asks, if he only understood that she really wants him to do it. But a man who wants to avoid feeling that he is following orders may instinctively wait before doing what she asked, in order to imagine that he is doing it of his own free will. Nagging is the result, because each time she repeats the request, he again puts off fulfilling it.”

Tannen's book, You Just Don't Understand, offers helpful insight into the baffling world of man-speak/woman-speak. Things like male to male conversation often takes place when something else is going on. Usually while not facing one another, like watching the game or fixing the car. It may be overwhelming to ask a man to share his feelings with you while face to face sitting alone at the kitchen table. Men often complain women's style is bossy, as in the use of 'let’s', which is used as a suggestion and a way of building community. Author Barbara De Angelis, states, “Men often misinterpret our suggestions, advice and feedback as attack and criticism.”

Conversations that were once baffling and hurtful begin to make sense. “...Understanding genderlects improves relationships.” Though we are unlikely to change, and maybe should not, the other’s conversational style, having insight into the way that the mind of the other and the intent behind their words will lead to less conflict.

What should be our take away here? Not that we should accept this, say ‘that’s how men/women are.’ Rather we need to understand where each is coming from and have an open discussion. The man needs to put aside his ego and take out the trash if this is a task he has taken responsibility for and if he has missed trash pick up day, he needs to own this. Next week he should not need reminding and his wife will not need to feel like a nag. Women need to understand that sometimes continuing to talk when they believe men are not listening (as they don’t always display listening cues: head nods, etc.) may have the opposite effect intended.

We need to talk so we are heard. I am not talking volume, but having the other person receive and understand the intended information.