Are Critiques Given Lovingly?

 "Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots." Frank A. Clark

Over the long haul, it is hard to maintain the sweet demeanour we use when we are still in the blush of new love. It is only in romantic movies where the beloved is perfect (never belches, leaves underwear on the floor, or forgets to pay the electric bill). Once you are an old married couple, how will criticism be handled?

There are days in every relationship where we want to shout at our partner, “What the hell is wrong with you?” It may be hard to imagine while you are madly in love, but I will let you in on a secret, there will come a time when things you might think are cute now are going to drive you crazy.

Within every healthy relationship – friends, co-worker, partner – we need to find a way to get along. A friend or co-worker may be easy to avoid when you have disagreements, but someone you share a bed with, not so much. Unless you like sleeping on the couch, you need to hone good skills in the area of dealing with complaints lovingly.

John Gottman differentiates complaints and criticism: complaints focus on the action or lack there of (i.e. ‘Today was garbage day’), while criticism indicates the person is wrong (i.e. ‘Are you so stupid you can’t remember Thursday is garbage day?’). Criticism is one of the four horsemen, Gottman extols, as a communication style that can predict the end of a relationship. One of the deadliest acts we can perpetrate on our partnership. Criticism says you are bad, complaints attack the problem and say something you did is wrong.

We are primed for self-preservation. Some of us are, of course, very good at putting others first; Mother Teresa, for example. But most of us are not quite so selfless. Dr. Stan Tatkin takes this further and states, “The brain’s wired first and foremost for war rather than love. Its primary function is to ensure we survive as individuals...” So, it seems, if we were not allowed to ever express a discouraging word to our spouse, we would probably explode. You are going to fight and you are going to get mad at each other, that is normal. Character assassination, however, is never appropriate, but especially not towards those we love. A couple should be together to help each other grow, to become better people. Leave the character assassination for the smear campaigns of politics.

Attacking each other in a relationship never makes for a better marriage. Do you want someone you truly love to feel bad about themselves? Wounding someone, especially if it is on purpose, is sadistic. My dad always told me a wounded animal is a very dangerous animal. They will strike out either to defend themselves or in response to their pain. Your spouse, if you are wounding them emotionally, may lash out as well. An eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind.

How will you know while love is still new if this is something you are likely to face? How do disagreements feel? Are there low blows or criticism disguised as a joke? Look to family members and how they handle conflict. Character assassination may have been the only form of correction the person has been subjected to since birth.

I was once told that we need to speak so someone will listen. Too often people use volume to make that happen. We need to remember our words have power. Some of our deepest wounds come from words. Before speaking, think if you would want those words directed at you. If I were to say to an overweight friend, “You’re fat and never get off the couch”, they would be hurt and probably not want to be my friend. This approach is almost a guarantee I will not get the response I am hoping for. If I were to say, “I am worried about your health, want to come running with me?” I would get a much better response.

A healthy marriage should never have a ‘you vs. me’ mentality. An army would not win a war if every soldier worried only about himself. If you as a couple stand back to back, you will be able to see any trouble coming. If you can see this horseman before you even wed it is time to take action, to grab the reins, and turn this beast around immediately.