It has been shown that the clearer we are on our goals, the more likely we are to achieve them. Goals need to be defined and measurable. It is fine to say, 'I want to be rich', but what is rich? Is it to have a million in the bank? To own a vacation home in a tropical local? To be able to give up your day job? Top athletes and business owners are successful because they set goals that give them focus and direction.
While the traits we want in a partner are not goals, we need to put consideration into what we want and who will help us to achieve this. In making your list, you should be looking down the road. It may be fun to have a partner that likes to go out dancing and drinking every weekend, but if you want two kids eventually, are they going to one day be okay spending weekends on the couch watching Disney movies? Putting thought into what traits are in line with who we are and how we would like our life to turn out could prevent fights and heartache down the line. Just as we can feel like we are on a hamster wheel – never really achieving anything – if we do not set concrete goals, if you do not put thought into what makes Mr. or Mrs. Right, how will you know when you have found them? I know I sound like a buzzkill, but if love was the only ingredient required in happily ever after, the divorce rate would not be close to fifty percent of marriages. The more we can look at our romance critically, the better chance we have at ‘til death do us part.
Research has also shown that if goals are written down, this holds us accountable to work towards them. This is why it is good to put on paper what traits are important to you in a partner. Write down the top twenty things you feel are essential qualities in a partner. We are all different in what we value, but we should be clear about what is important so we do not compromise just because we do not want to be alone.
Some of the traits listed in studies, like courage and strength are desirable, but it is less clear how you measure them on a typical date unless you are held up at gun point. You should limit your twenty items to things easily determined. Having a steady job, living independently, non-smoking are things that are not subjective. Examine your list critically. Are the items on your list really important or are they things you can live without? A sense of humour, for instance, would be nice, but would you truly turn away a partner that is humourless but dependable, loyal, and treats well?
Once you have your list, look at your partner. Ideally, they check off all the boxes. If they do not, weigh if the item is something you can live with or whether there is something to be done about it. If they are still living in their mother's basement, you could suggest that they move out and see what it is like making their own way before you live together. You will find out if you mean enough to them to make important changes. Conversely, your partner should hold you up to the same scrutiny. Is your love for them strong enough that you will make the changes they deem necessary?
Did your lists include looks or financial means or the potential for financial success? These may not have made the list as these seem like things we joke about; men are looking for a hottie and women wealth. Research has found that the stereotype holds across countries and cultures. There is a whole host of research into the biology of the why of this is but it is unnecessary here. Psychologist, David Buss, in his research found our evolutionary history has this hard wired into us. Though you may not have these on your list, it likely is a factor. Fifty six percent of Americans actually value financial stability over love (Abby Rodman, psychotherapist).
Once you have completed your list, you may find that your beloved is lacking in a lot of ways. You may choose to move forward anyway because you are in love. At the very least, you will be aware of what weaknesses this partnership possesses and can be ready for the ways you may need to step up in order to have the relationship survive. It may be you considered a consistent work history important, yet their resume is a string of year-long stints while they try to find the right fit. This may mean you need to take on the role of principle bread winner and only take on as much debt as your salary alone affords.
Going through this exercise may help you to determine if they are the right person for now or forever. It may even help you clarify what you want from life, as this exercise should help you see into the future – separately and as a couple. If you took this seriously, it may not be the ending you want. Walking away from someone you care for is difficult and painful, but so too is a life of fights and unhappiness.
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