Do They Respect Your Bodily Autonomy?

 Co-written with: C.J. Fitzpatrick

The issue of bodily autonomy is hardly a new one. “My body, my choice” – a slogan for female bodily autonomy was first coined in 1969, but the struggle clearly predates the so-called ‘second wave’ feminist movement started largely by Betty Friedan’s The Feminine Mystique.

Even so, a United Nations Population Fund report published in 2021 found that roughly half of all women are denied bodily autonomy, unable to make decisions regarding sex with their partner, contraception, and seeking health care.

This has been thrown into even sharper relief lately as debates concerning overturning the 1973 Roe vs. Wade Supreme Court decision rage on in the United States...

Let’s make it clear, though, that bodily autonomy is not purely an issue of those that identify as women. It’s an issue that concerns all genders – male, female, and nonbinary; not only cis-gendered people, but trans people as well.

Bodily autonomy is one of those things that you really don’t think all that much about...until it’s violated.

The first thing that comes to mind when you read the previous sentence is probably rape which is, of course, the most clear and obvious form of violated bodily autonomy. But there are many many ways in which one’s bodily autonomy can be violated that, while perhaps less severe, are no less insidious.

For example, there was recently a post on the ‘Am I the Asshole’ Reddit board in which a woman described an issue she had with her partner telling her not to use tampons because they made him uncomfortable... He even went so far as to throw out a box of her tampons when he found them. This is a clear example of someone not being allowed to exercise their bodily autonomy.

In a relationship – any relationship, not just a romantic relationship – both partners should respect their own and each other’s bodily autonomy. It’s impossible to be equals if one partner looks upon the other as something they have control over.

In the 1800’s and earlier, it was simply a fact of life that a woman was a man’s property, but the simple fact of the matter is that, through today’s lens, it’s abuse to try to control another’s body and the choices they make about it.

Psychologist Willard Harley Jr., in his practice, has identified ten needs that, when fulfilled, will ‘affair proof’ a marriage. One of the needs he asserts that – as a general rule – men have is an attractive spouse. While I admire much of what Harley has to say, I feel his advice in this chapter is antiquated. He says, “If he doesn’t like a certain hairstyle and colour, abandon it. In fact, consult with him ahead of time and get his opinion before ever getting a different style or colouring.”

Would you put up with a friend that felt the need to tell you what you could and couldn’t do with your appearance? Unlikely. It should, therefore, be just as egregious when a partner tries to do the same.

We expect a partner to respect our wants and needs. This should extend to choices we make about our body as well. That’s really what it boils down to: respect. Does your partner truly respect you as an individual if they feel the need to monitor your social media or your diet or your doctor’s visits?

Marriage vows often include phrasing along the lines of ‘becoming one’. But at the end of the day, you’re still two separate people with separate wants and needs and it’s important that both of you remember that, even when they get an ugly haircut or a new tattoo.