Have You Explored How Having Children Can Impact a Relationship?

“The fact that the transition to parenthood places strong and unique strains on a couple’s relationship is rarely addressed, yet can be critical in their growing together—or apart.” John W. Travis MD

While dating, we spend time getting to know our partner to determine if we want a life together, but few put thought into the costs of having children; physically, emotionally, and financially. Children come with a huge financial cost: estimates are that, to raise a child to the age of eighteen, you should expect to pay two hundred thousand dollars.

Most couples have their children early in their marriage, in the years when they aren’t so secure financially. This only adds pressure to the situation. Now, there is the cost of daycare or the lack of a second income if one person chooses to stay home. In addition to the money, there is also the fact that you are responsible twenty-four/seven for the next eighteen years, at least.

Fewer prepare for the impact this life event will have on your bond as a couple. The Holmes & Rahe Stress Scale puts pregnancy and gaining a family member at number twelve and fourteen out of forty-three items, indicating these are pretty stressful events. We all know babies are demanding creatures that cry and poop, yet few are prepared for the toll it takes. The lack of sleep, the detective work to figure out why they won’t stop crying, never eating a meal while it’s hot... These all mean that the effort we were putting into our bond as a couple takes a back seat. Forget the lazy Sunday mornings sleeping late and snuggling in bed.

Division of labour is a source of contention in relationships even before children come along. How to manage all the work that comes with children only adds to the strife. There are a huge number of questions that need to be asked, now that children are on the scene. Who gets up in the night for feedings? Who will put the children to bed? Who takes care of doctor appointments and immunizations? We rarely think ahead of how to handle regular duties, let alone who is going to stay home when the children are sick.

There is also a lack of sex due to tiredness and poor body image post-baby. It is easy to see how people come to feel lonely and unfulfilled in the post-baby period. It is even conceivable that some begin to feel unloved, especially if their love language is quality time or physical touch. For these people in particular, having children in the home will be difficult.

For some – those that are ready for children and are strong in their relationship – this time won’t destroy their bond. A child can bring a couple closer together, but in some cases, it pushes them apart. Research has shown that there is a dip in the happiness in the relationship following the birth of children (Twenge, Campbell, & Foster). A study by The Baby Show found that a third of couples experience serious problems in the months following a birth. One fifth of couples will split up during the first twelve months.

Becoming parents can highlight how different you are. Religion, family traditions, and ideas on child-rearing that were never even thought of before, now can be a source of contention. You might find family and friends often feel the need to insert themselves into how we parent our children. If you didn’t have mother-in-law issues before, you might now.

This is a time when unsolved issues and feelings from our past make a reappearance for us. It is said that it is hard to give what we were not given or taught. “Without an awareness of the themes of our own early years, we find ourselves reacting to our children out of our own unmet needs, and embodying the same dysfunctional behaviours our parents—albeit unwittingly—inflicted on us.” (John Travis) I have written before of developmental tasks we are trying to achieve in our marriages; the birth of children can often be a trigger for things such as for nurturing we didn’t receive or emotional stability that was not gained.

Dealing with an infant is challenging enough on its own, but even more so when it opens old wounds. One spouse may resent the attention the child is taking away from them. It is actually not uncommon to feel jealous of this child, especially among men. “As a mother’s bond with a child grows, it’s likely that her other relationships are deteriorating.” (Matthew D. Johnson)