“Jealousy is not a result of love. It is a result of crossed relationship boundaries.” Julieanne O’Connor
It feels flattering in the beginning of a relationship to be the whole focus of a person, to have them want you all to themselves. It becomes less so over the long haul, when they check your phone, want to know where you are every second, and accuse you of sleeping with the waitress who gave you a free coffee refill. Being monitored and accused of hooking up with someone who is just a coworker, with no amount of reassurance being enough is a painful way to live. The green-eyed monster is firmly rooted in your relationship.
Doing a quick internet search regarding quotes on jealousy, most glorify it as a sign of love. One states that jealousy is very important in a relationship. Another proclaims jealousy as territorial, ‘protecting what is yours’. This glorification is alarming to me. It can make jealousy seem romantic and normal. We do not belong to another, we are not theirs. We can choose to bond long-term, but are free to leave at anytime.
It is okay to want monogamy and to keep your eyes open as to what is going on in this regard. It is even okay to point out when your partner has crossed a line or when other people have crossed a line in regards to your partner. This is healthy. While we all can be jealous occasionally, it can – under some circumstances – even be appropriate. It should be in response to a real threat to the relationship, like when an ex-girlfriend slips her card into your husband’s pocket. Not when a co-worker texts to say they will be late coming into work. We need to agree on what healthy boundaries are, with regard to potential romantic rivals.
When someone sees the illusion of threats coming in all directions, even when your mother calls, that is a problem. It is not okay to see cheating everywhere you look, to hold someone prisoner and not allow them to have friends or even conversations with members of the opposite sex. Too much possessiveness can be a red flag that the relationship could become abusive. If it occurs frequently during early dating, you should consider running in the other direction.
We need to have a clear understanding of what the boundaries are in a relationship. If someone wants us to be with only them and cut off all outside interest, we will end up smothered. Jealousy is not a sign of how much someone loves us; jealousy only speaks to issues within the jealous person.
Children go through a stage known as the ‘mine’ stage: when they want all the toys in the room, even the ones they have not played with in months. When they realize another child wants to play with it, it becomes interesting. It is postulated that if a developmental stage has been short-circuited, these behaviours will play out in adulthood...
Jealousy is a lack of trust and security. It may very well be that this person is insecure and feels that if you discover what a loser they are, you will leave. Maybe they have been cheated on in the past and did not realize it was happening. It could even be that they are, in fact, cheating on you.
Control and power can also be the reason behind possessive behaviours. They believe the only way they can have mastery over their life is to keep a lid on everything and everyone in it. Dr. Phil says of jealous people, “I think they’re tyrannical. I think they’re controlling. I think they’re domineering and I think they’re completely insensitive to the impact their actions on their partners.”
Trying to make a partner jealous is equally wrong. At times, we may feel like our partner is not paying enough attention to us. They may be busy at work or you may suspect someone has caught their eye, so you flirt with the waitress in front of them. This is asking for trouble and is an immature way to try to reestablish connection. They either want to be with you or they don’t. If you have to resort to this, is the bond you’re building strong?
Even if possessiveness does not turn abusive, unreasonable jealousy usually ends up having the very result it is trying to avoid. It is exhausting to walk on eggshells, to be suffocated. Do you want your partner to say, ‘I’m being accused of it, so why not do it?’
At the end of the day, anyone can stop loving us at any time. No matter how much we want them or love them, they are free to change their mind. No matter how painful this may be, we have to let them go. Trying to hold onto them by scaring away every potential rival or limiting your beloved’s movements is not love. It may, in fact, drive them away when they wanted in the beginning to be with you forever.
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